Sometimes I miss my life as a recluse. It was extremely lonely, but it was also so simple then. I didn't have to worry about other people's feelings so much. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... which let's be honest, was to do absolutely nothing every day. In the past, I called that surviving but not really living.
I think this post is going to end up jumping all around like the posts of old. I have so many thoughts floating around in my head but no systematic way of processing them all. It's like going to Wikipedia and just clicking around at the various links. You never know where you will end up.
Anyway... I think I crave structure. I seem to do better when I have structure in my life. The problem is that I am terrible at creating structure. My subconscious thrives on chaos. This is why I have a hard time staying in relationships. The women I am attracted to are distant, emotionally detached, or codependent. The ones that are stable bore me. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. I have learned this about myself within the last few years, but can't figure out how to change my behavior towards that attraction.
I have a friend that is doing an online journal of sorts. She says her favorite part is making up the title. I can relate with that. Honestly, that has always been my favorite part as well. That's why I always leave it blank until the end. Then I look back at what my topic was during the post and determine an appropriate title. I would imagine this is what book and magazine authors must do as well.
You know, I hear this random buzzing coming from my living room occasionally. I know I'm not crazy and it probably sounds like I'm insane, but it's true. I have been trying to figure it out for a few months now, but I can't determine where it is originating. It may be from my upstairs neighbor or something from my computer desk. It is so short and infrequent that it is hard to pinpoint. I don't know why this popped into my head right now, but it did so I wrote.
I think it's my mind's way of trying to get me off subject. Relationships... they scare the crap out of me. I'm not just talking about long term ones, but even dating. I think because it ends up turning into a long term relationship. Those have not worked out well for me the past few years. Tragically, the women were fine. It was me more than anything. My fear of commitment and not wanting to be tied down. I would bail and run as fast as I could. Before you start thinking of how stereotypical guyish that is, let me explain. Okay, I have no explanation. Other than I just wasn't ready and it didn't feel right. I think I settled more than anything. I just figured it would get better as time went on. I would "fall" in love with that person. You should know from the start, shouldn't you? I feel as if throughout those relationships, a piece of me was pulled out little by little until it all came crumbling down. A good relationship should strengthen you as a person, not tear you down.
Well, that's all I have for now. I have several other thoughts, but I think I'll save those for another time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comments:
You are right, a good relationship should make you stronger and a better person.
I've been in therapy, and I asked my shrink why I used to pick bad men. He said, "If you are at a party, you will choose someone on the same psyhcological level as you." So you see, if I became more stable, then I would choose more stable boyfriends.
It is good to know yourself by going to groups or therapy. By doing that you find out where your thinking is skewed and can change it. But if you aren't interested in that, you can read all the books you can on relationships and how they work; books on communicating etc.
Books have helped me a lot. Not that I am a normal person by any means, but I have learned how to relate to my husband and family so much better.
I'm sure you will be in a wonderful relationship some day. You sound like a thoughtful, intelligent person. You have a lot to give.
Post a Comment