Thought of the Day

I'm not a Player, I just crush a lot

2012-01-23T09:20:00.000-06:00

Actually; the real lyrics are much more dirty, but I think these lyrics fit me better. I am by no means a "ladies man". I'm not a playa or suave or smooth or a Billy Dee Williams. Yeah... that's right, I said Billy Dee Williams. That guy is cooler than the other side of the pillow.

Anyway, I digress... but don't get me wrong. I'm not butt ugly. I always seem to be able to attract women. The difference between then and now is that I want a certain KIND of woman. I have a specific type that I'm into lately. I just have a problem finding any that want me. There are a few that I've known that fit my style to a tee. Seriously, everything (looks, personality, style, social issues, personal issues, etc) about them is perfect to me. But they didn't like me in a romantic way so I ended up developing crushes on them. Stupid... I know, but my mind is going to do what it's going to do.

What's the problem with a crush you ask? Well, it makes it hard to find someone out there who fits all these things and WILL like me in a romantic way. The problem is that I start comparing them to the crush. Or I always fall back to knowing the crush is always someone I can talk to just not have a relationship with and maybe that's good enough. Donkey balls... I know that's not good enough, but my mind's gonna do what my mind's gonna do.

So... now that I've got myself into this position, there's only one way to get out. I have to try and break my crush with this person and move on. That will give me the opportunity to put 100% effort into a person that may fit the bill AND likes me in a romantic way. It's hard though. Blah blah blah... mind do blah blah blah.

No, but for serious... social networks make it even harder because you constantly see what they are doing or what's going on in the crush's life. I could drop her as a friend, but that's not really fair. She didn't do anything to deserve that and I couldn't really explain it to her anyway. I guess I could block her posts from showing. Not sure how well that would work, but it may be worth a try.

Oh well... just my penny for my thoughts this morning.

Dusting off the cobwebs

2012-01-13T18:14:00.000-06:00

It really is sad when I look back at how much I used to post a few years ago compared to the amount I post now. I think it's the social network site overload. This was my primary method used to capture thoughts a few years ago. Now with FB, Google+, and Twitter; that is all changing. I have a hard enough time putting down thoughts in one of those sites.

But this blog is different. Looking back through the previous posts, I realize that this is where I can feel free to capture my intimate thoughts. An online diary that is out there for the world to see, but I am still anonymous enough on it. All the other sites, people know who I am for sure and judge what I put on there. Does it affect what I capture? I'm sure it does. Should it? Of course not. But let's be honest here. It does.

This site does not affect me the same way. It's like my own little safe corner on the Internet. Yeah... I'm sure I'll still beat myself up about something on here, but it's for my own good. Anyway... I hope I can post more than 12 entries this year. Sigh... only TWELVE entries for an ENTIRE year. That is sad. SAD!!!

I remember when I was at the peak of my posting that I wanted to do an entry an day. The professional bloggers do it, so I figured I could to. That crap is hard, yo. For real... to find something to talk about each day is not the problem. But remembering to get online an capture the thought is not so easy when you actually work and have a life.

But I digress... this is a new year. So I'll try again. Full steam ahead... make it so... whatever it takes to keep us going forward.

A little advice

2011-10-27T16:03:00.000-05:00

So I get a call from my mom asking if I would come over and have dinner with her. Well... she is my mom, so of course I'd go for a visit. But then she dropped the bomb. "I need to ask you for advice." What?

No really, what? My mother has NEVER asked me for advice in my life. THIS can not be good. Sigh... so I'm heading there tonight. With no idea of her topic, but I know that it will not be fun. I think I will need to meet up with friends afterwards for a shot or few.

Across the pond

2011-09-09T10:21:00.001-05:00

I have this crazy fascination with all things British. I wonder if I was born on the other side of the pond, would I have a huge fascination with American things?

This so called Jenga life

2011-02-04T22:20:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I miss my life as a recluse. It was extremely lonely, but it was also so simple then. I didn't have to worry about other people's feelings so much. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted... which let's be honest, was to do absolutely nothing every day. In the past, I called that surviving but not really living.

I think this post is going to end up jumping all around like the posts of old. I have so many thoughts floating around in my head but no systematic way of processing them all. It's like going to Wikipedia and just clicking around at the various links. You never know where you will end up.

Anyway... I think I crave structure. I seem to do better when I have structure in my life. The problem is that I am terrible at creating structure. My subconscious thrives on chaos. This is why I have a hard time staying in relationships. The women I am attracted to are distant, emotionally detached, or codependent. The ones that are stable bore me. I know that sounds awful, but it's true. I have learned this about myself within the last few years, but can't figure out how to change my behavior towards that attraction.

I have a friend that is doing an online journal of sorts. She says her favorite part is making up the title. I can relate with that. Honestly, that has always been my favorite part as well. That's why I always leave it blank until the end. Then I look back at what my topic was during the post and determine an appropriate title. I would imagine this is what book and magazine authors must do as well.

You know, I hear this random buzzing coming from my living room occasionally. I know I'm not crazy and it probably sounds like I'm insane, but it's true. I have been trying to figure it out for a few months now, but I can't determine where it is originating. It may be from my upstairs neighbor or something from my computer desk. It is so short and infrequent that it is hard to pinpoint. I don't know why this popped into my head right now, but it did so I wrote.

I think it's my mind's way of trying to get me off subject. Relationships... they scare the crap out of me. I'm not just talking about long term ones, but even dating. I think because it ends up turning into a long term relationship. Those have not worked out well for me the past few years. Tragically, the women were fine. It was me more than anything. My fear of commitment and not wanting to be tied down. I would bail and run as fast as I could. Before you start thinking of how stereotypical guyish that is, let me explain. Okay, I have no explanation. Other than I just wasn't ready and it didn't feel right. I think I settled more than anything. I just figured it would get better as time went on. I would "fall" in love with that person. You should know from the start, shouldn't you? I feel as if throughout those relationships, a piece of me was pulled out little by little until it all came crumbling down. A good relationship should strengthen you as a person, not tear you down.

Well, that's all I have for now. I have several other thoughts, but I think I'll save those for another time.

My life right now

2011-02-01T15:08:00.000-06:00

"Rather than trying to adjust the wind, adjust your sails."

The beauty of one

2011-02-01T01:11:00.000-06:00

Only 14 more days until Valentine's Day. The beauty of being single is not having to worry about this holiday. I suck at preparing for this day for some reason. I guess, deep down inside I feel you shouldn't HAVE to do something that one day if you love someone. You should be doing something EVERY day for that person. Even though I have had women agree with that sentiment in the past, it has never really worked out that way. They always get mad if I don't go all out for them. It's about the image. This is why I'm happy to be single right now.

People are so concerned about their image to their friends and coworkers. What ever happened to just being happy on the inside and it will show on the outside. We are too self conscious as a society. Don't worry... I'm not going to go on some wild ramble right now. Mostly because I'm tired, but I also can't seem to find the right soapbox.

I think I'll call it a night and get some sleep. I've been burning the candle on both ends lately and I know I'll end up sick if I keep going this route.

Never forget the Past

2011-01-25T01:12:00.000-06:00

Was it you who spoke the words
that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

-- Jason Mraz "You and I Both"

I swear my brain is shriveling up

2011-01-18T23:04:00.000-06:00

Each day I work in management, a little piece of the the techie me dies inside. I am the other unix administrator for work (at least in theory). Whenever the other unix admin is out, I am responsible for the unix tech work. I get the task completed, eventually. Each time, I seem to forget more commands and have to google them.

This happened today... in front of a consultant. It killed me that he had to stand there and witness my demise. It felt awful. I am now thinking about more personal tech projects to strengthen back my techie side.

Like any muscle; the less it's used, the weaker it gets. My techie side is now pumping iron... in a figurative sense.

Where have all the thoughts gone?

2011-01-17T21:28:00.000-06:00

I must admit, I'm pretty disappointed in myself. Somewhere along the way these past couple of years, I lost my ability to small talk. My mind goes completely blank for some reason. This is with guys and women so it's not related to sexual tension.

I really, really need to work on this skill again. It's driving me crazy! It doesn't come natural to me. It never did. I worked on this trait a few years ago and had it mastered. You could drop me in a room full of strangers and I could work the room. Now... I'm a mess. For some reason I'm falling back to my "loner" ways again. I would hope this only happens when I'm by myself and not when I'm around my friends. I'm not so sure to tell you the truth.

Damn it.

When change is not really change

2011-01-12T17:12:00.000-06:00

You know that saying, "The more things change, the more they stay the same"? That's usually how my life goes. But sometimes, things change and never change back. I've learned over the past few years to not put much thought into why. Just accept that is like that and move on. Otherwise, I will get caught in this spiral loop downward to craziness.

THAT, is not where I want to be ever again.

Merry Go Round of Good Intentions

2011-01-11T14:08:00.000-06:00

Every now and then, I get on a health kick and try to eat better, exercise more... blah blah blah. Obviously, by my carefree tone at the end, the results are obvious. I end up dropping it some where along the way and go back to a more relaxed lifestyle.

I'm not sure why I do this. I hang around very fit people who constantly play sports or do various activities. Hell, I'm right there along with them doing the same things. They eat very healthy and I just don't follow their same eating habits. Perhaps it's because they don't judge me for my eating habits or non-exercise routine.

Or maybe it's because I'm becoming more lazy lately. My last relationship was with a women who let me do whatever I wanted and never complained. This was nice, but at the same time I had no need to worry about my figure or looks. I let myself go in a very bad way. Actually, I had two relationships like that back to back. I was a lot more fit and healthy before those two relationships.

Don't get me wrong. I am in no way blaming them on my current situation. Far from it. They gave me something I really needed at the time. Freedom to be me. I thrived in it. But like a child running amok in a candy store, I lost my boundaries for myself some where along the way. I figured, since they loved me for who I am (no matter what I looked like), I could just let myself go.

I'm not happy with my current situation. Obviously, I have a very weak sense of will power. I need more structure in my life. This is something I am trying to work on daily. I think I need someone in my life that can help provide this structure. Maybe... Or do I just need to be harder on myself and just do it. Just eat healthy... just exercise more.

I started South Beach Phase I again last week. Well, mostly. I fell off a little during the weekend, but I became strict with myself again on Sunday. So far, so good.

Why post this out here? I figure if it's out here on the Internet, perhaps it will encourage me to keep it going. I have something out there that shows what I should be doing. Hmm... I've done this before and I can do it again.

Take your records, take your freedom

2011-01-10T15:49:00.000-06:00

I love taking pictures. Candid shots are my favorite because I test my ability to capture the moment without any words. This takes extraordinary skill and I have a long way to go.

Sometimes I wish there was someone out there taking candid pics of me from time to time. That way, I can see how others view me. I try hard to hide my emotions for the most part, but I can guarantee that they come out at times.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I believe that expression. I can see it in others. I think that the ears are doors to the soul as well. Music has a strong effect on me. When certain songs hit my ears, I lose all thoughts and focus on certain emotions.

It's amazing how powerful a song can be. Flashes of memories flow in and overwhelm me.

I'm just going to hold on and see where I end up

2011-01-10T10:48:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I just never learn. How many times can you play with fire, get burned, and not learn? Me? Lot's of times apparently.

This time, I actually put some thought to it though. Not too much thought, but some thought none the less. I have been too pessimistic in my life lately. I noticed it late last year and determined that I would change that about myself this year. Not resolution change, but change because I really wanted to change it.

This amounts to me thinking of the good in people instead of just the bad. Even if I know there is A LOT of bad in them. I just have to make sure I'm mentally and emotionally protected, but remain open to them. That, my friends, is no small task. I think I'm better prepared for that task now than I have ever been.

I have a lot of people that care about me in my life now. I think that helps. I have support structures that were not there several years ago. I am more open to my friends now. Not as open as I should be, but something is better than nothing.

So here goes nothing. The winds of change are a blowing and I just jumped on the sailboat. Let's see where they take me.

Simple thoughts

2010-08-31T23:52:00.000-05:00

Smoking alone. No one around. Drink in hand. Thoughts on the mind. Feel so alone. Emptiness abound. One more drink. Avoidance. Music playing in the background. Smoke fills the air. Leather soft on the skin. Better than home?

Quote of the Day

2010-08-26T13:29:00.000-05:00

When searching for that something more,
do not lose sight of all before.

- Mark F.

The road less or more traveled

2010-08-23T11:15:00.003-05:00

I don't want to keep harping about relationship crap all the time. I have so much on my mind right now, but the relationship stuff keeps floating to the top. The things I want in life keep changing on me. At least in my mind they do. I'm not sure of anything right now and that bothers me. I like to feel "in control". Of course, I think everyone likes to feel that way.

I feel like I'm Hansel and I'm lost in the woods. There's no Gretel with me. And I don't have any breadcrumbs. I'm just lost in the woods. Wandering and wandering...

What is love? Baby don't hurt me. Oh Haddaway... you are like my Zen Bhudda right now.

Right is hard

2010-08-20T13:31:00.003-05:00

Are things ever really "final". You can say they are, but time has a tendency to make people forget things from the past. Emotions have so much to do with that statement as well. Final sounds so permanent. Or is it the association people have placed on that word that gives it that feeling?

I feel so confused, but I need to stick to my decision. I always cave in and regret it later. I know deep down inside I'm doing the right thing. So why does it hurt so much. I hate doing the right thing because it's ALWAYS the harder thing to do.

I knew this day would come

2010-08-18T15:18:00.002-05:00

So I think I need to write more. Writing seems to help me clear my mind and that's why I wrote so much in the past. I ended a long term relationship about six weeks ago and we have not really had a clean break. We kept seeing each other and talking all the time. It was as if we were still together in some fashion.

Until today. Well, last night rather. She calls me and is "off" in her conversation. I thought she was drunk at first, but then she started crying. I didn't know what was going on. We continue talking for about 10 minutes and then she says she has to go. She was secretive the whole time. I knew the time had come.

So she confirmed it this morning. She started dating someone else. Well, "hanging out with" someone else. But I know what that means. It's just a matter of time. I'm the one who ended the relationship, yet I'm the one who is hurt by this. Why? I want her to be happy and I couldn't provide the future she wanted when we were together. This is why I ended the relationship. But this doesn't make the matter any easier. It still hurts like a bitch.

I'm numb inside and don't know what to do. My instinct is to stay around other people. I know better than to go back to that dark place from before. So what do I do? I write...

Not many people that are close to me know of this site. The ones that did probably don't read this anymore since I stopped posting regularly a long time ago. This gives me a blank canvas to lay out my thoughts again.

Like all the other times before, this will all heal in time. Fortunately, I hope I have time on my side.

The bottom depths of the ocean

2010-08-17T19:47:00.003-05:00

Why is it so hard to let some crushes go? I know I need to just let go, but my heart won't stop longing. Is it really my heart or some weird twisted fantasy that my imagination conjured. I vote for the latter.

And why do I have this stupid vision in my head of Titanic boat scene. Me holding her in front of me and the stupid music playing. I really need some help or alcohol. Alcohol is usually easier to get.

Just let go.... I have to imagine my crush is frozen in the water. I need to pry it away from my hand and let it sink to the bottom.... "Jack, Jack". Haha, I crack up every time I think about that scene. I REALLY need some help.

Not your orange soda

2010-08-06T09:07:00.002-05:00

Is there an expiration on crushes? I've had crushes before. They usually last a couple of months and then they disappear just as quickly. I tend to romanticize the good aspects of the person and ignore all the bad habits. Then reality kicks in and I realize I'm just crazy. I doubt I'm the only one who does this.

Anyway, I digress. The real point of this post is that I've had this crush for about two years now. TWO YEARS. That's an eternity... if you're a fish. Humans, not so much. Damn it, another digression. Ok, back to the point... Is two years a long time to have a crush? My feelings usually move on by this time. I either start dating that person within the first two months or it just didn't work out romantically and that's that.

I don't know. I guess I'll keep doing what I do and it will all work out somehow. It usually does.

No temps allowed

2010-05-05T16:09:00.002-05:00

I heard a quote today that stuck to heart. It said, "Don't let temporary people in your life become permanent." I like that phrase. If only I could apply that logic to MY life.

That is all, well that and the fact that I discovered I'm terrible at doing "one a day" type of things. So I'm not going to try that anymore. I'm much better at doing things all at once while I'm thinking about it.

Reboot

2010-04-30T14:09:00.004-05:00

So... I didn't start my throwing things out a day yesterday. Let's try this again. TODAY, I will throw out some piece of clutter from my closet. If it's something that I can donate, I will put it in an appropriate labeled box and donate the items in mass. Hmm... now I need to find a box. Wait, won't that be adding clutter instead of removing clutter?

One a day

2010-04-29T16:24:00.003-05:00

I've tried to follow the minimizing philosophy. I've mentioned that before. What is new is my avid reading of unclutter.com. There are several ideas that are very useful to me and I think will help me in my life. The latest idea from them is reducing the amount of clutter one piece at a time. Each day throw out or donate one item that you think is clutter. That's it. No more, no less. I can do that.

So as I read comments from users; people noticed that if you track this idea in writing, you tend to follow through with it daily. So this will be my location to track these changes. I've used this site to track my uncluttering of my mind. Why not use this site to track my physical uncluttering as well?

I'm thinking I will start this today. I will try to post pics as much as possible to help me remember why I am doing this. I have a tendency to hoard items and store them in closets for "future" use. I've noticed that my paretns do this. I think I get this from them. I do not want my daughter to follow that same philosophy so I'm breaking the pattern here.

Who knows, if this goes well, I may try to get rid of the junk in digital form afterwards. I shudder at THAT thought.

Just Go Already

2010-04-22T11:09:00.002-05:00

I don't think I'm the smartest person out there. In fact, I know several people who are WAY smarter than me. I can handle that, in fact, I like people like that. They inspire me and keep me thinking forward to make myself smarter. It's the people on the other side that annoy me. I'm not talking about people who are not as smart as me. I'm talking about the DUMB people. Intelligence level does not make you dumb. Laziness and hard headedness make you dumb. You whine about a problem and when people tell you how to solve the problem, you whine about having to actually do the work to solve the problem. UHG!!! Get Off My Planet!*

*Said phrase may or may not have been stolen recently. That's ok, it's such a good phrase that it needs to be out there in the wild for other's to use.

One for you, one for me

2010-04-21T08:33:00.004-05:00

Every now and then I decide to try and purge the physical items in my life. I try to follow the minimization philosophy. The key word there was "try". The problem is I like to shop. Yes, I said it, I like to shop. I don't know why though. I think it stems from the fact that I grew up on the very low end of middle class. We weren't scrapping by to pay our bills, but we didn't have much money to do things "out". We ate dinner at home every night. I never got the latest thing for gifts (it was always the version behind). I had always envied my friends that got all new clothes or the latest toys, cars, or electronics. Several of my friends got cars for graduation. I got a 19" TV. But I was extremely happy with the TV, because it was color. Before that, we only had two TVs in the house. A color one in the living room and I had a black & white TV for my bedroom.

I think my desire at a young age to have what my friends had is causing this desire to shop. I can afford to have nice things now, but just because you can afford it does not mean you need it. I have very little storage space in my current apartment. I like it that way. This ensures I can store only necessities. Don't get me wrong. I cram all kinds of things into spaces you wouldn't even know were there. Then the sane part of my brain decides to purge all these unnecessary items on occasion. I'm thinking now is a good time to purge. I get to keep one item and get rid of one item. That should keep my belongings minimal.

Too bad houses don't have a gag reflex that I could induce to make it throw up all my belongings into the street. Yeah, that was a pretty gross mental image.

Me versus them

2010-04-20T21:05:00.003-05:00

I noticed a lone ant wandering inside my bathtub and figured it was trapped. It kept trying to climb up the side and would fall back down. Normally I would feel sorry for a creature stuck like that, but not for the ant. If I had to choose an arch nemesis, it would definitely be the ant. Especially these damn fire ants down in Texas. Small little boogers that burn like hell.

I remember as a child playing in the grass and running around the yard. Oh, such bliss to be outside and playing with your friends. Until that dreaded day.

I must have been around ten years old. A group of my friends and I were playing all day. Back then you had a big gang that did everything together (boys and girls). We played and played and would then sit down and relax. We would contemplate life and enjoy our youth. That's when I felt the burn. It was a burn unlike any other. I immediately jumped up (which startled all my friends) and yanked my shorts and underwear off in front of all of them. There I was standing naked from the waste down in front of all my friends. Well, not completely naked, because there were about forty fire ants biting me all over my legs, back, groin, and butt. I started screaming and ran into the house. I headed straight to the shower and washed them off. I was in complete shock from the pain.

Did I mention that I'm allergic to fire ants? Real bad. I swelled up and started running a fever. After the initial shock wore off that night, I realized that I just stripped naked in front of all my friends. I was so embarrassed that I wouldn't go outside for a week. Luckily, they never mentioned that day and I hid it in the depths of my damp dark memories.

So, to this day, I get my revenge one ant at a time. "Mr. Ant, say hello to ma little friend Mr. Foot".

I just want to close them for a second

2010-04-20T13:26:00.002-05:00

I am so tired all the time. Can I say that again? I am so tired ALL THE TIME. Do I do something about it (like go to bed earlier)? Nope. In fact, I stay up late again the next night. I think the tiredness would be acceptable if it were for work reasons or some kind of personal project. It's not. I just get hooked on the Internet or my music or some other small task. Next thing I know it's well past midnight.

Did I mention that I am also trying to reduce my caffeine intake. THIS SUCKS! This is not going to make me a happy worker during my meeting this afternoon. Nope, not happy at all.

Rainmist is your friend

2010-04-19T13:31:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I have to keep my delusions in check. Okay, not crazy psycho delusions... then again, don't all psychos say that, but the sordid co-dependent delusions. I think that other people's vague social updates are related to me somehow. For example, suppose someone said, "I can't stand boring people". I would instantly wonder if that person was talking about me. Then reality would kick in and I would slap myself at thinking such ridiculous thoughts.

I'm sure there is some psycho babble term for it, grand delusional or something. That is not the point. What is the point to all this you ask? Do other people experience the same thing (and I'm not talking about a few strange characters out there). Is this a common trait in human beings?

When someone shakes up an air freshener in your office, is it because you stink? Or is it related to the fact that they need to do something with their hands while talking to you? Of course, this is all hypothetical and the only reason I'm asking is for a friend.

*Runs home to take two showers now*

2009

2010-04-14T15:42:00.002-05:00

I just realized that I did not blog once during the whole 2009 year. Not once! That is a shame. I obviously had lots of thoughts during that year, but never posted any of them. Now, they will be lost forever. That sounds so dramatic. I don't know why, but I had a sudden thought of Blogger running around shouting, "they stole my jawb!!!". Hehehe

Should I zig or zag?

2010-04-14T15:36:00.003-05:00

Life is about several small choices throughout the day. Do I go left or right? Should I stay, yes or no. At what point do you just throw your hands in the air and give up? Sometimes I wonder if I'm settling in life. I want more in life, but I'm not doing any actions to get me there. So the bigger question is, what do I do about it?

Do I zig or do I zag? I'm not really sure yet. I'm leaning more toward zagging, but it's hard to let go of the zigging. Sometimes I wish that I could lease out my life for a little while. Let someone else make those decisions for me and then I can deal with the results. Sounds good in theory, but I bet it would suck in real life.

Downward slope

2010-04-07T16:31:00.002-05:00

I've been reading some of my previous posts and feel good about the progress I've made as an individual. To witness my own growth the past five years is incredible. I wonder if this would have occurred anyway (through natural wisdom) or because I focused on changing myself for so many years.

I've felt pretty stagnant in the personal growth department lately. I'm not sure why yet, but I have felt this way for the past year. Perhaps I need some change in my life. I'm so afraid of commitment lately, that I'm not sure settling down would be an option.

How do you know when you are happy? I'm not talking about "eating ice cream" happy, but true happiness. I would guess that if I am asking this question, I'm not truly happy right now. A happy individual would not realize that he is unhappy.

I must be going through an introvert stage right now. Cycles... life is all about cycle patterns.

Hellloooo

2010-04-07T08:21:00.003-05:00

Blah blah blah... you've heard it before. It's been such a long time. I've realized a newfound appreciation for this medium. It lets me type more than 140 characters. It also let's me put as much rambling as I like without any consequences. Well, I should rephrase that, there are lot's of consequences at times.

Anywho... I was reading back through some of my older posts and realized that I'm much more open on this site than the other social mediums. I believe it's because I really don't care what people think if they read stuff from here. Okay, you know that's not entirely true. It's because not many people know about this site.

I did start the site without telling anyone. It was my online journal of sorts. Then it was slowly discovered by my friends. I started worrying about my thoughts being out in the open and was self editing at times. Then the inevitable happened, I became burned out. I felt I HAD to say something every day. That is a whole lot of pressure. I don't know how these daily bloggers do it. So I reached out to other things. Don't get me wrong, I love Facebook and Twitter. I don't know... once again I start rambling on here.

It sure is quiet in here

2010-01-22T02:08:00.002-06:00

Hello... Um, hello?

I thought for sure Google would have shut down my blog by now since it's been forever since I've updated it. Yep, FOREVER. That's quite a long time. Then again, I view "forever" as a relative term. I've jumped on all kinds of other social media sites lately. I'm not sure if that is the cause for the long break or just laziness.

I like the other sites, but there is something about writing whatever you want for however long you want and not be cut off. No 140 character limit or 421 character limit. And sometimes I tire of writing in 3rd person.

Anywho... I'm thinking I may pop on here from time to time to capture my longer thinking thoughts. Aw Blogger, baby you know the other sites don't mean nothing to me. I was thinking of you when I was typing on their pages.

Truly Random Thoughts

2008-12-08T17:48:00.003-06:00

It's been a while since I last posted something on here. To tell you the truth, I've started posting various things, but I always end up deleting the entries before posting them the past couple of weeks.

I just feel like I don't have much to say right now. Well, that is not the truth. I feel as if I don't have anything USEFUL to say right now. Stupid, I know... but it is how I feel.

So... I have had some drama in my life lately, but it's not undeserved. Is that a real word, undeserved? Anyway, it's no big deal. That is what makes me feel good about the situation. I can honestly say that it is NO BIG DEAL and mean it. Whether the situation plays out one way or the other, doesn't really matter to me much. How sad is that?

I have had a craving for Captain Crunch lately. I wonder what that means? Other than my crazy ass having ADD and jumping around from thought process to thought process.

So take this post as it is... it's all I have right now.

Time to give thanks

2008-11-25T18:34:00.002-06:00

I'm actually looking forward to Turkey day this year. Not to spend time with family. Not because of the home cooked meal. No... because it will actually force me to slow down my personal life for at least two days.

Okay, just one day because I already have plans for Friday night. But oh how I will appreciate that one day. It's my way of giving "thanks" to my body. And when I say body, I really mean liver.

Anything for You

2008-11-22T20:11:00.003-06:00

I had a bunch of thoughts typed out, but decided that this section of song really expresses my mood better.

And I'd do anything for you
In spite of it all
I've learned so much from you
You made me strong
But don't you ever think that I dont love you
That for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things dont work out right
And you just have to say goodbye

- Gloria Estefan

If only I had super powers...

2008-11-20T17:05:00.002-06:00

You know what super power I wish I had? The ability to turn anything I touch into a steak. Wouldn't that be awesome? I'm hungry, let's turn this piece of paper into a steak. How about a snack? This pen magically turns into a steak.

Then again... I would have to stay away from Internet porn. And using the bathroom, that would totally suck. Never mind, I don't want that super power.

Do you really need both sides?

2008-11-19T01:40:00.000-06:00

I should be sleeping right now. But I'm not. Why? I'm not sure. I have trained my body lately to use less sleep and still somewhat function.

Have you ever heard only one side of a conversation and created the other side in your head? I do that all the time. It makes my eavesdropping much more entertaining. Of course when the person is someone you know and may be talking about you... not so much fun.

My sanity requires both halves of the conversation. BOTH HALVES.

Why are you hiding?

2008-11-16T12:09:00.003-06:00

So... my dog is starting to really freak me out now. For the last week, she has been hiding in her crate while at home. Instead of enjoying the wide open space of the apartment, she chooses to sit inside her small crate throughout the day.

She has this huge fear of flying insects. I don't know why, but she FREAKS out whenever there is a fly or mosquito around. So the first day she hid in her crate, I thought there was a flying insect somewhere. But we are on day six now and it is starting to get to me.

What the hell does she see or know that I don't know? They say that animals can sense things humans can not. I have always felt safe in my home, but now I'm getting a little unsettled. Stupid dog...

Was the secret ingredient whipping cream or sour cream?

2008-11-14T14:26:00.000-06:00

Is it bad to call your ex-girlfriend just to get a recipe from her? What if you really, really liked the recipe and can't find it anywhere else?

I'm not going to do it. I would be an idiot, but it did make me think about all the things I should have written down WHILE I was in the relationship. I guess I would always assume that I would be in that relationship until the end of time, so there is no need to collect that information myself.

Um... yeah. Guess that didn't happen and now I'm going to have to wing it.

Tell you what, I'm definitely capturing any information down that I think is valuable in the future during my next relationship. Of course, I may seem a little crazy capturing all this information in a super secret notebook. If she ever found it, how do you explain that to her? "Oh, I'm just writing down all these cool recipes that you know just in case we ever break up."

I'm sure that will go over real well.

Weirdest Quote of the Day

2008-11-13T11:48:00.000-06:00

"Bell Biv Devoe makes the hair on my balls stand up."

Just say it

2008-11-12T19:09:00.001-06:00

No.

See, that wasn't that hard. Then why do I have such a hard time saying it sometimes?

Come On Get Higher

2008-11-11T23:42:00.001-06:00

I miss the sound of your voice
Loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet
Perfect words that you said

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe
I'd make you forget

- Matt Nathanson

Sometimes it just is what it is

2008-11-09T22:00:00.001-06:00

You know what I hate? The Unknown.

I would rather feel bad about knowing something that I don't want to know, then feel unsure about the situation. So... now I know a lot about various situations around me. Do I feel better? Somewhat.

Some didn't turn out like I thought, but at least I know. The NOT knowing was killing me from the inside.

Do you know what I hate? Liver. I do, I can not eat it no matter what form it is served. Cold, hot, mashed, baked... I just can't eat liver. I have tried for decades, but it just won't happen. Life is the same way. Sometimes you just can't make things work, no matter how hard you try. You WANT it to work out, but it doesn't. No matter what you do, it will not work out.

Such drama in my life. I should have been an actor for a living. At least I could have been paid for all this drama.

See Daniel Run, Run Daniel Run

2008-11-07T22:41:00.000-06:00

So... we had a bomb scare at work this morning. Not some phony bomb threat because there are exams today type of scare, but a true life bomb scare. There was a suspicious suitcase and some nut job mumbling something.

Anyway, I pull into the parking garage and the cops are running over to the street to stop traffic. I think nothing of it and pull into the garage. I park all the way on the 7th level (normal spot). As I get out, I look down to see what the cops were running towards. I notice that they blocked the street off in front of my work. I look at the other end of the street and it is also blocked off by police. That's when I notice the three unmarked white trucks. And next to them are the bomb guys suiting up the one officer. He is in full bomb gear from head to toe. He has this shield thing and everything.

That's when the thought hit me. This is a bomb scenario. Do I stay on this side of the street (parking garage side) or try to walk across to the other side (work side) with the bomb? I decided to stay on my side for a few minutes and see what happens. I watch and watch what seems like forever. There are people walking across the skybridge between the two sides like nothing is going on.

Um Hello... do you not see this guy in huge ass bomb gear on the street below? Surely you noticed the police cars all outside the building. Right?

Well you know what? Twenty minutes later, I got bored and ended up crossing over to the bomb side via the skybridge. I figured, "if it's my time, it's my time." Of course they wouldn't let anyone go up the elevators or stairs during the scare, so I was stuck there on the 2nd floor. And my dumb ass sat right next to the window where they were doing the bomb investigation.

Needless to say, it was nothing more than a suitcase full of stuff. What kind of stuff? I don't know because they hauled it away without showing us. I guess it didn't meet the requirements of a bomb.

I've always wondered if I was a fight or flight individual during a major disaster. I thought I was a fighter, but now I'm not so sure. Someone has to survive to tell the story, right?

Romeo and Juliety

2008-11-06T16:42:00.000-06:00

So I have some friends that have come up with a new theory regarding my personal life. I have always thought about the type of women I have been attracted to in the past, but not looked that much pattern wise beyond the personalities. Perhaps there is more to it.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Do you think there is some type of life force out there connected to each of our names? I have been called by my middle name way too many times to count. The funny part is that the people calling me by my middle name, did not know my middle name. They just said I looked like that name. That has always freaked me out to some extent.

Quote of the Day

2008-11-05T10:08:00.001-06:00

"Poor Joe the Plumber, I guess it's back to plunging the toilet."

It comes down to this

2008-11-03T23:55:00.002-06:00

So... by this time tomorrow, twenty months of excitement will be over. I hope I will be in a good mood and partying my butt off. It's either partying or running like mad avoiding the riots.

I don't really think there will be riots (he says as he is packing up canned goods and checking the gas in his car).

How does that saying go?

2008-11-01T17:50:00.001-06:00

You made your bed and now you have to sleep in it.

From blue to moo

2008-10-31T13:30:00.002-06:00

I have a feeling that I will not be able to be Papa Smurf this evening. I have not had much success with the hat and the hat is EVERYTHING in this costume. I think I should save it for next year.

I may have to go with my backup costume.

Time to load up on travel supplies

2008-10-29T15:58:00.004-06:00

I have realized that I have become an inner loop snob. I don't like to travel outside the 610 loop anymore. It just seems so far. I remember when I would travel from Sugarland to the Woodlands for a night without even thinking about it. It would take me an hour and a half each way, but I just accepted the travel time and gas used.

Not any more. If I have to travel to the west part of Houston, I feel as if I should fill up my gas and pack some snacks. I try to maintain all personal aspects of my life to the inner loop now. I have been breaking that pattern lately and traveling around the city, but we will see how long that lasts.

Time paradox

2008-10-28T07:22:00.003-06:00

FIx your clocks Google. Yeah, you heard me. FIX YOUR CLOCKS.

It is apparent that you have not applied the daylight savings time patches to all your servers, because I am tired of your time being one hour behind on my posts. This patch was released a long, long time ago. No excuses.

The OCD in me is dying whenever I create a new post. I want the time to be accurate and match the time I actually post the entry. But noooo, it is either going to be an hour early or it will queue up for an hour. Yeah, I could let it just sit there and then post an hour later, but is that really necessary?

Okay, I think the ranting session is over.

Which way is north?

2008-10-27T14:32:00.000-06:00

What is it in my nature that craves drama? And I'm not talking about "Let's go watch a play" drama. I'm talking about "Running for your life in the woods with a serial killer chasing you" drama.

There must be something there... I just don't know what it is yet. I have been trying to figure that part of my life out for a few years now. I am no closer than I was three years ago. I have tried looking from the outside in (well as best as I could), but that didn't work. I have tried to avoid certain type of personalities that thrive on drama. No matter what I try, I always end up with the drama.

I am a drama magnet. Can't you demagnetize a magnet? Hmm... I wonder if I could do that to myself. I swear I must have all the electrons in my body pointing in the same direction that attracts the negative energy.

I heard that "Enchanted Rock" has energy running through it. I need to take a short trip out there and lay on the rock for a while. Perhaps, my body chemistry will change and I won't attract the negative energy anymore.

Quote of the Day

2008-10-26T10:08:00.003-06:00

"I waited all this time in anticipation and it only lasted 35 seconds. I feel a little let down."

Zig instead of Zag

2008-10-26T02:56:00.000-06:00

Lately I have been on this whole "paths" thing. We all face forks in our daily road and choose one path or the other. I faced one of those potential life changing path decisions several years ago. Basically, it was between two different potential relationships. One, my mom kept trying to set me up with (one of her fellow co-workers) and the other I met on my own. Her co-worker expressed interest in me. Both were attractive women, but each had their own unique qualities. One has a very, very beautiful singing voice, the other had a fun playful tomboyish spirit about her.

I chose the playful tomboyish woman. Even though it didn't work out, I didn't regret my decision. The other woman eventually found someone, got married, and moved away. I always wondered, what if I chose that path instead? If I saw her today, would I feel I made a mistake in my life?

The answer is a resounding NO. I saw her today and I realized that we just didn't have any type of connection. Not then and definitely not now. So what's the whole point of all this? Well, I guess it just reinforces that I have to trust my judgement. Yeah my decisions may not always be right, but they were the best decision at that time.

I swear Karma reads my site and follows my advice. When I was second guessing my decision to dodge the bullet, no sooner than 30 minutes later I had my second chance to correct my mistake. And when I decided to stop running around in circles, Karma drops a situation into my lap. I'm just going to leave well enough alone and continue down this road I picked.

Standing still while the world revolves

2008-10-25T15:32:00.004-05:00

I'm just going to keep doing what I do and let life come to me right now. I'm tired of thinking about "what ifs" and "what nots". When did life start to get so complicated?

I remember when I was eight, the biggest concern was whether I could go outside to play. I miss those days...

My eyes are up here, quit staring at my chest

2008-10-24T08:41:00.001-05:00

Isn't it amazing how ONE piece of clothing (or accessory in this case) can totally change how people view you?

I have never received so many comments about me wearing a tie this week. Even from my neighbors. What the hell does that say about me???

Ready for Happy Hour

2008-10-23T16:18:00.003-05:00

I can confirm that forward progress DOES NOT necessarily mean happy progress. Sometimes it just means, "let's make it through this day and not think about it" progress.

Isn't ignorance bliss?

Perhaps missing the bullet was wrong in this case

2008-10-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I should just leave well enough alone. I'm not sure about much anymore. You know, I started this site with very open and honest feelings because I knew that no one read it back then. Now, I sanitize my thoughts before posting them on here. I have various reasons why, but I think I will start to openly post my thoughts again.

This could have some serious repercussions now. I was thinking about secretly starting another site and starting over with my thoughts. I used this site as an online journal of some sort initially. I was thinking about doing it again with a different site. I decided not to do that. Why? I'm not sure. It just didn't feel right.

I don't know... perhaps some things are best left unspoken or in this case, unwritten.

I feel as if I dodged a bullet today. In all my life, I have never drunk dialed anyone. I have never drunk texted anyone either. But last night, I ended up drunk e-mailing someone. Not someone from the past, but someone in the present. Anyway, the details are not important. I was fortunate that the person agreed to delete the e-mail without reading it. An extreme act of kindness, no doubt. I don't even know if I would have done something like that. For this person, I probably would. I digress... so now I am wondering if perhaps I should have let her read the e-mail.

All the cards would have been laid out on the table. No going back after that deed is done. But now the e-mail is deleted. Sure I could resend it, but the impact of the message would be lost now. Now I am in no better position than I was yesterday. How can I make forward progress if I keep settling for status quo? Is losing all that you have with someone considered forward progress? I guess no one says that forward progress is always happy progress.

Then again, I have always said that my lack of patience has bitten me in the ass more than a few times. Oh and I also have a stalker trying to get with me, but that is a story for another time.

Yesterday

2008-10-22T09:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

- The Beatles

Top 5 Reasons I Love My Xterra

2008-10-21T16:06:00.000-05:00

5. It seats five people, with room for your shit in the back.
4. When your vehicle has a major scene in "The Office", you know it's a fly ride.
3. It can actually get pretty airborne when flying over railroad tracks.
2. Flooding, what flooding?
1. It runs over light poles in the street without breaking a sweat.

Mr. Pity Party for one, your table is ready

2008-10-20T17:13:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, I was looking for more single people to hang out with. All my friends happen to be in relationships and you know how that goes. Yeah, I'm talking about YOU.

Anyway, so know I have found the mecca of single people. I seem to do a whole hell of a lot more things now. I wouldn't exactly call all these people my friends. Friendship is something precious and takes time to nurture. That sounds SO GAY. Which is okay, if you're into that sort of thing. Gawd Seinfeld, will you ever leave my brain. It is true though, that friendships are not instant. I have started to make new single friends.

The only downside... I forgot just how much single people hang out. Don't they ever do things by themselves? I like getting invited to things and having options for when I'm not doing anything, but I like to have my alone time too.

And those friends that are in relationships... I do still wish they would go out with me and hang out sometime. Yeah, I'm talking about YOU.

I think you like to make me cry so you can salt your margarita glasses with my tears.

I verbs

2008-10-19T09:58:00.002-05:00

You know what is important? Verbs.

Take this sentence for example. "Don't expect me to (missing verb) right."

Wow! ALL kinds of verbs could fit into that sentence. Especially with my dirty ass mind. Did I mention that my phone has this special way of cutting out at just the right time? I miss a lot of verbs in my conversations. Of course, I randomly fill in verbs in my mind when that happens. It's like a live version of Madlibs.

How to guarantee a throw up filled ending

2008-10-17T17:15:00.003-05:00

Is there any better way to spend an evening?

Eating raw fish, drinking wice rine, and running around the woods getting the bejebus scared out of you.

Do you smell what Karma is cooking?

2008-10-16T08:10:00.004-05:00

So I get up earlier than normal to do some work at the office. I get ready, walk my dog and arrive at work around 7:40. This is extremely rare for me. It seems no matter how early I wake up, I always end up at the office MUCH later than 7:40.

Anyway, I digress, so I stop at the coffee shop on the way in to work. I discover, to my joyful surprise, that I filled all twelve spots on the coffee card and get a free drink of my choice. Anything I want. ANYTHING I want. Normally, the greedy bastard in me would get the largest most expensive drink just to feel like I got the most bang for my free buck.

Not the case this morning. I figured I have been ordering medium drinks in the past to get me this free coffee, I'll order what I always get to not tempt karma. So I order my drink and give the guy my free coffee card. He notices that the drink is free and asks, "Do you want to make it a large since it is free?" I tell him no. He gives me this dumb ass look and then puts in my order for my medium coffee. I feel good. I think, "Hells yeah. I am getting to work early with my free coffee, karma must be on my side."

Let me go all John McCain on you, my friends, Karma is never on your side when you get cocky. NEVER...

So I arrive at my office, feeling good and go to set down my free coffee on my desk. Then ,in slow motion, I see my coffee start to fall over on my desk. Twenty-two freaking ounces of sticky hot latte is now running everywhere. On my papers, on my keyboard, on my mouse, all over the carpet, everywhere... What the fuck???

Thirty minutes later and several passes with a cleaning solution, here I sit typing on a sticky keyboard with my fucking arms sticking to the desk. The worst part is the smell of my damn latte is everywhere. Tempting me of the java goodness that I will never know this morning.

This day is going to so fucking suck.

The new Knight Rider sucks ass

2008-10-15T19:50:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if I pass up something good for the potential of something good. I face so many forks in my life road and just pick one path without fully thinking about the consequences of picking that path.

Confucius say, Daniel is so screwed when he think too hard.

I always get the fucked up fortune cookie messages.

Codependent Fire Zombies

2008-10-14T22:45:00.000-05:00

You know, I have such a hard time with patience in my life. I have harped on the immediate gratification thing in the past, so I won't delve into that again. I have noticed that I have to watch my actions a little bit more lately. I want to fall back into an old pattern of codependency. I guess it's like any other addiction. It never really goes away, I just have to maintain it.

I have noticed a pattern that triggers these feelings and I start questioning whether I need to keep myself away from these triggers. But doing so, comes at a great consequence. Such mystery in my life is extremely overrated. What the hell does that last sentence mean? I'm not 100% sure. But once I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.

BRAINS...

Seriously, are zombies really that bad? There has to be some lovable aspect to a zombie. They'll love you until the end of time. Well, not true. They'll love your brain until the end of time. And by end of time, I really mean by the end of when they are finished eating your brain and move on to the next brain.

Tangent = (noun) a straight line or plane that touches a curve or curved surface at a point, but if extended does not cross it at that point.

When I was a kid, I loved to play with fire. Perhaps you didn't hear me... I LOVED to play with fire. I was an arsonist in the worst way. (Ashley, if you're reading this, then learn from my mistakes and DO NOT REPEAT my idiotic actions in life) Okay, back to my story. So I loved setting things on fire. I had this closet with laminate flooring in my room as a child. I would close myself into the closet with the lights turned off. I would set army men on fire and watch the plastic drip flames onto the tile. As the burning plastic would drip, the flame would extinguish and make this cool sound. I was stupid in the worst way. Anyway, that is just one of the smaller fire stories in my childhood. I loved playing with fire.

Some things never change.

Running Man

2008-10-13T14:54:00.004-05:00

So the moral of the story is... never stop to brag about your escape.

We just left CVS when a man went running across the parking lot. He had a bag full of stuff and was hauling ass. Then there was another man chasing him. I then recognized the second man. He was the cashier that was at CVS. Apparently, the first guy was trying a grab and run and dashed across a busy street. The CVS employee stopped before crossing (for good reason with all the cars driving in the way). So the guy stops at the gas station across the street and holds up the bag laughing. Then a good samaritan must have realized what he did and tackled the guy at the gas station. The CVS employee makes it across the street and they both have the man on the ground. Wouldn't you know it, there was a cop in the gas station store at that very moment.

So now the guy it in hand cuffs and wishing he hadn't stopped running to brag about his escape. If only I had a video camera at the time. This would have been huge on You Tube.

Decisions, decisions...

2008-10-13T14:07:00.003-05:00

I am attending a Halloween party where I actually have to dress up. I haven't dressed up for Halloween in decades. So now I'm trying to determine what to be. I could punk out and just be a vampire or a pimp, but those are way to easy. That will be my plan B options. I want something that will stand out and is original.

I was thinking of dressing up as a drive through sign (that lights up and everything), but that sounds like A LOT of work. Besides, it would be cumbersome and big as hell. I would be knocking everything over around me.

What to be... what to be...

Whatever You Like

2008-10-12T17:46:00.002-05:00

Stacks on deck, Patron on ice
And we can pop bottles all night
Baby, you can have whatever you like
I said, you can have whatever you like

- T.I.

Some times sacrifices are needed

2008-10-11T11:29:00.002-05:00

I have been living my life lately like I'm ten years younger. As my mother would say, "You're burning the candle at both ends and it will eventually catch up to you." Yeah, consider it caught up.

I'm so tired and I just want to relax. Even though I am so tired, I want to be outside enjoying the beautiful weather. I think I need to just suck it up and take advantage of the weather while we have it.

Quote of the Day

2008-10-10T13:29:00.002-05:00

"I'm playing hide and go seek with the waiter."

Too good to be true

2008-10-09T17:43:00.000-05:00

The weather has been freaking me out lately. It has been really nice. A little too nice if you ask me. What's the catch? I can't remember October being this cool in a long time. Like sit out in a patio drinking margaritas cool.

I guess I should just shut my mouth and enjoy the weather, but I'm more of a waiting for the other shoe to drop kind of guy. I don't know... Perhaps this is our reward for the sucky hurricane we had to endure.

If rain occurs when God is crying, are windy days caused by God farting?

Wine and emotions don't mix too well

2008-10-08T21:37:00.001-05:00

I've always felt that I was an 80 year old man trapped in a 30 something year old body. Young 30s mind you... I have been told by many that I have wisdom beyond my years. But do I really have that kind of wisdom? I think I do when it comes to others. But when I try to apply that wisdom to myself, it never seems to work out like I thought it would.

I have a friend that is 20 years older than me (Old enough to be my dad). Literally... he is the same age as my father, but he doesn't act anything like my father. I believe we are as old as we act. Sometimes thats a good thing. More often than not, that is a bad thing. There are times I would like to just sit in my room and pout all day long. Be pissed at the world for giving me the raw end of the deal at times. Today was one of those days. Well, that is until I had about eight glasses of wine and now life is feeling pretty numb right now.

Numb is good. Numb is very good.

Feelings and emotions are a very sharp double edged sword. You would think that knowing how dangerous this sword could be, I would be more careful with it. Nope, not my dumb ass. I swing it around like a RenFair geek. I toss it in the air and see if I can grab the handle on the way down. Like I said, I'm a dumb ass. I have cut myself so many times on these emotions, its a wonder I haven't bled to death (emotionally that is). Do I learn? Nope. Am I hard headed? Yep.

Life is sucking really, really big time right now. I thought I had some of it figured out, but I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. You were right. You know who you are. Just when I thought I had some sense of what life was offering, it smacked me upside my ass and threw me around. I'm life's bitch. Plain and simple.

I just don't know anymore. Part of me wants to be that zombie of four years ago and just go through the motions regarding life. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't too sad either. I was just there. Is being "there" all that bad? I know we have to feel pain at times to remind ourselves that we are alive, but there needs to be a feeling of happiness as well. If we haven't experienced that feeling of happiness in a while, isn't it better to be a zombie?

I'm rambling now... perhaps its the wine. Perhaps its just pent up emotions from the current state of my life. Consider this my state of the union address. State of the emotional union that is.

Obama 2 McCain 0

2008-10-07T22:22:00.004-05:00

Obama took care of business today. I was actually very excited to see his responses and how he handled himself during the second debate. He stepped it up a notch and McCain looked childish.

I just wish the election was this week and not a month away. I also wish that the stupid Neocon idiots would wake up and actually talk about the current topics instead of relating everything back to religion or patriotism.

No maybes allowed today

2008-10-07T00:08:00.001-05:00

Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions in our life. That's what being an adult is all about. I get it. But what if you make a wrong decision that may affect a big aspect of your life? That's a whole lot of pressure on a decision you are about to make.

Something like this is worth far more than a coin toss.

Preplanning my regrets for not running

2008-10-06T01:19:00.002-05:00

I should be sleeping... but I'm not. Life is going to so suck in five hours when I wake up to go running. Sleep is overrated anyway. I keep telling myself that, but I'm not really convincing myself.

I wish they would make sleeping pills that would work for a set amount of time. Is it really that hard? Just make the sleeping stuff time released. Kind of like the pain medications or the allergy medications. Then I could take a five hour pill and be fully rested in the morning, but not drugged out.

A man can dream can't he?

You're welcome

2008-10-05T09:32:00.007-05:00

Okay, Okay... So you're wondering what "Take it to the mattresses" means? Well, my friend, you're in luck. I'll give you the quick and dirty answer to the question. The simple Cliff note version is "go to war". That's it. So if you've seen "You've Got Mail", Kathleen (Meg Ryan) is going to take it to the mattresses with the big bookstore. She is going to fight (or go to war with) the bigger bookstore. It is usually an all out battle that will have one side victorious over the other.

So where did this quote originate. I'm not sure, but I first heard it from "The Godfather".

So the next question should be, what's the deal with mattresses? In the movie, one family decides to attack the other family. This creates this massive bloodbath with many people dead on both sides. Since there is strength in numbers, the gang members pick a location and stay together. They rent "mattresses" for all the guys to sleep on while they are holed up together. This indicates that it will be a long drawn out war between the two families.

So now you know the explanation of the quote. The Godfather has so many good quotes. "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday", "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse", and "Leave the gun, take the cannoli".

Stronger my ass

2008-10-04T10:41:00.002-05:00

This is just one of those lazy Saturday mornings. I have PLENTY that I should be doing, but I'm not. No reason for not doing it, just because.

I have found that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. RIGHT? Isn't that how the saying goes? It may make you stronger but whatever it was that made you feel that way still sucks. So how does that expression make anyone feel any better?

Speak up Mr. Internet, because I still have no explanations yet.

There was a debate last night, right?

2008-10-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

So, I watched the debate last night. All I have to say is that Biden should have gone for the jugular, but he didn't. I hope that doesn't come back to bite us in the ass.

Oh... and I'm starting to like the term O'Biden. It's like the melding of the two. Kind of like the Wonder Twins.

Wonder Twins, activate. Form of great leader that will change this country. Form of supporting old guy that will give said leader foreign experience on the ticket.

I think Palin is also stressing the accent to create a more folksy image. Can that be her real voice? Every time she finished her sentence last night, I added "don't you know" in a Canadian accent. I was cracking myself up all night. Of course, I was also under the influence of alcohol during the debate so that may have had something to do with it.

The World Should Revolve Around Me

2008-10-02T07:12:00.000-05:00

Not for nothin but what came first
The chicken nugget or the egg mcmuffin

- Little Jackie

Quote of the Day

2008-10-01T08:17:00.001-05:00

"Stop the drama, vote Obama!"

Must be the Minute Maid air affecting his abilites

2008-09-30T22:22:00.004-05:00

Stupid Brad Lidge is 41 out of 41 save attempts this year. That is a perfect save situation. PERFECT. What the hell Lidge? Why couldn't you do that with us?

Don't get me wrong, I love that we have Valverde. It's just frustrating that we let go of the losers and they turn into really good players with other teams.

Stupid Lights Out Lidge

I know this is an extra post for the month, but I couldn't resist it. I was furious when I read that he had a perfect save record this season. FORTY FREAKING SAVES.

When safe isn't really safe

2008-09-30T21:59:00.003-05:00

So I have this fireproof lock box. It's made to withstand all kinds of heat and still keep my paper documents intact. That way; if my place goes up in flames, I will still have all my important documents safe. Makes sense, right? I put all my important docs in there. Passport, birth certificate, and lords knows what else. ALL IN THERE.

The only problem... I can't find the key to the damn lock box. So... um... yeah. My documents are safe. So safe, even I can't get to them. Therein lies my dilemma. Do I drill the lock and risk ruining my documents or do I continue searching for the key? I've been looking for a few weeks now.

I'm planning a trip to Mexico in December and need to renew my passport. They will need my old passport to renew it and I think it's in the lock box. I don't know how long it will take for the renewal, but I have a feeling I need to start that process real soon.

I don't care if I ruin the box, but I am afraid that I will over drill and start shredding my documents inside. SHIT... only my luck does this type of shit. I just don't know what to do.

Three down, nothing left to do.

Fity ain't got nothing on me

2008-09-30T21:20:00.003-05:00

Did you know that chandeliers make great shirt hanger uppers?

I'm so ghetto sometimes, it cracks me up. You can take the boy out of the hood, but you can't take the hood out of this gangster. "I got four dollas yo!"

I have a friend that swears she lives in the ghetto. In the middle of Montrose. Ghetto my ass. I told her that I would take her to my old neighborhood and show her ghetto. I asked if she had a bullet proof vest. I think she thought I was joking.

In the ghetto...

Two down, one to go.

Stupid OCD

2008-09-30T20:41:00.003-05:00

My OCD in me wants to have 30 posts this month to match the 30 days of September. Why, I'm not sure. I do know that it is strong in me so I have to post three more times to meet this goal.

Fucking OCD. I swear I have the weirdest OCD at times. I hope it's not hereditary.

One down, two to go.

Must resist urge to leave

2008-09-30T20:37:00.003-05:00

I've been so busy the past few weeks that I feel kind of weird to be home and doing nothing. I want to go out and do something just to be out of the house, but that would kind of defeat the purpose of resting at home.

It's that stir crazy thing again. Weird. A few months ago you couldn't get me out of the house and now I don't like staying home. Isn't it funny how we can just flip like that? Or is it just me?

The other strange thing is my need to clean my place from top to bottom. I think it's because I have crap all over the place. They still haven't fixed my two bedrooms so I have crap literally everywhere. I miss my bedroom.

I have a feeling that once I can move back into my bedroom, my need to clean will disappear.

Why do you mock me calendar gods?

2008-09-30T09:07:00.002-05:00

You know, sometimes I really hate computers. When they work, they are the best thing since sliced bread. But when they don't work, they suck ass. Was life really that bad before sliced bread? Seriously, did it kill you to tear chunks of bread and slap some meat on it? Why is it so good because it is sliced?

Sorry bout that. Tangents get the best of me every time. Anyway, I depend on my phone and calendar like water in the desert. They are my lifeline. When I can't depend on them, it makes me very sad. Right now I can't depend on my calendar. Now I'm a paranoid fuck. I have four devices that I access my calendar on and they all have different calendar events on them. Which one do I trust? If I wipe out three of them, how can I be sure that I have all events in the one final computer?

FUUUCCCCKKKKK!

So the moral of the story is... fuck if I know. Don't trust computers... Always keep everything on paper.... Just say no to drugs.

The only thing I'm missing is the blue eyes

2008-09-29T11:19:00.000-05:00

I can eat 50 eggs in one hour.

Well, okay, maybe not fifty.

I want to pay homage to one of the greatest actors this past century. So what do I do?
Here is my plan.

Eat five eggs in one hour - Cool Hand Luke
Gamble and win a pool game - The Hustler
Get drunk one night - Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
Convince a stranger that I'm a foot model - The Sting
Eat ranch dressing every day this week - Newman's Own Dressing

I know the list is dorky as hell, but that represents me even more. Hell, I'm thinking I can knock four of those out in one night.

Gotta shake it off

2008-09-28T10:00:00.002-05:00

How is it possible to have power but still feel stir crazy? I guess it will still take a few weeks for life to get back to normal. Whatever "normal" may be. I feel myself getting into a funk lately. I need to shake this feeling in a bad way. Maybe I need a mini-vacation to take my mind of things for a while.

Any day now

2008-09-27T11:43:00.002-05:00

Living out of my living room sucks ass.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

What's small, blue, and not moving?

2008-09-26T14:33:00.002-05:00

Does having a Smurf on your desk make you gay?
It feels a little gay.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, if you're into that type of thing.

Self Fulfilling Prophecies

2008-09-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

I have become a believer that the energy you display to the world will determine if you are going to have a good day or a bad day. If all I focus on is negative energy, then I will attract negative energy back. Makes sense, right?

WRONG!

I have tried really, really hard to exert nothing but good energy lately and I still have shit sent back in my direction. SHIT in my direction. What else can I do, but wipe myself off and continue on my journey.

Why do people have this need to pick sides? Seriously, why MUST a side be chosen? Can't we just be neutral in life sometimes and give others the benefit of the doubt? I know it's harder, but can't we just try that option?

I'm sure my rambling doesn't make sense to anyone but me, but it is helping me vent (for whatever that is worth). I once knew someone that told me I was always creating negative scenarios in my head during that relationship and one day they would come true because I kept focusing on them so much. Turned out she was right. But was she right because I focused so much on the negative that it created a self fulfilling prophecy or was that situation going to occur no matter what I thought. Chicken meet egg, egg meet chicken.

I just don't know. What I do know is that I have to keep trying to live my life and believe that karma or destiny will take care of the rest. I was in this group once that had this saying, "Let go and let God". Basically, just let go of trying to control the situation and let God take care of it. Funny, I still capitalize God. My lack of faith sometimes disturbs me.

I was talking to a friend recently and she mentioned that she attends mega church (Joel Olsteen church formally known as the Compaq Center formally known as The Summit). I was shocked because she was not religious when she was younger (I've known her for over twenty years). And she explained that she felt like she was missing something from her life. She needed something else to give her strength. We are basically reversed. I grew up with a strong religious upbringing and felt that it gave me nothing in life as I got older. She grew up with no religious upbringing and felt religion would give her strength when she got older. To be honest, discussing it with her made me even more confused.

Is it just me? Am I not understanding religion and just not getting something out of it? Or maybe I am just evil and draw people away from religion? I have been told that I am a bad influence by WAY TOO MANY people.

Why am I putting all of this out there on the Internet? This makes no sense. Will it stop me? Nope. I'm an idiot like that at times.

Will it bite me in the ass later?

2008-09-25T09:46:00.002-05:00

You smell that? Yep, that's a nice smoky charcoal smell.

Too little too late

2008-09-23T23:52:00.003-05:00

Out of all the relationships I have experienced in my life, it took 20 years to finally start understanding them.

I want to see frost on the unit

2008-09-22T14:26:00.002-05:00

Guess who just came back into the 20th century? That's right... I have power as of 30 minutes ago. Ten days without power really, really sucked. I now have power, Internet, AND cable. I'm so giddy, I don't know what to do with myself.

First thing I did was jack the thermostat down to 65. Damn skippy... SIXTY FIVE! I want to see my breath frost up with every time I exhale. The last few nights were pure hot sticky hell. I didn't get a lick of sleep last night.

Okay, enough bitching. Time to start enjoying some AC and Internet.

Giggling like a little school girl

2008-09-21T19:57:00.002-05:00

Best quote of the day.

"I just ate a Luby's Lu Ann Platter. Texas cooking at it's finest."

Officially becoming a Gypsy

2008-09-19T14:10:00.001-05:00

My first since the hurricane hit. The one posted last Saturday was actually a "pre-post" that was created last week. So... what has the past week been like.

HELL

Plain and simple. Well, maybe not THAT bad. It has it's ups and downs. I still have no power. Of course, half of Houston does not have power. I live close to Downtown, so I don't expect to get power for at least another week (If I'm lucky). I have adapted to life without power. The only thing that sucks is finding ways to charge my cell phone and laptop. My broadband card sucks big fat floppy donkey dick right now. It hasn't worked right yet since the storm. I sit next to someone with a Verizon card and they are happily surfing the Internet, while my freaking AT&T card is shit for service. Oh I have all the bars available, but the Internet doesn't work right. It's slow as molasses. That's a funny saying... slow as molasses.

So I planed on having updates following the storm, but that went out the window. I'm debating whether I should post date some of the posts because I have actually been journaling thoughts from time to time. I may do that for historical reference. I tried to take pictures of some of the damage, but it was just depressing me too much. Such devastation from this storm is unreal. Who would have thought that a city full of trees would have so many power issues? Oh sarcasm, you are my only friend in this world.

I have found myself out and about most of the day just to keep from going crazy. Work is busy, so that is a plus because it helps keep my mind busy. I was hoping that my work would have power so that I could enjoy it through the day and then only have to deal with the "no power" at night. NOPE. Work has no power either and it looks like it might be a while before the building gets power.

So I have been driving the streets since the Saturday after the storm hit. It was kind of nice the first two days. Very few cars were on the road and gas was hard to find. People were courteous and respectful on the road. Now... It's like Mad Max on the road. People are getting pissy and driving crazy. Welcome to Post Apocalyptic Houston.

So, enough ranting for now. I'll post again when I find Internet.

Did you ever know that your my hero?

2008-09-13T11:59:00.003-05:00

What do I give myself for my four year anniversary?

EXACTLY four years ago, I posted my first entry into this site. I can't believe it's been four years already. The entry was rather simple, yet profound. It captured the exact emotion I was feeling during that part of my life. I was so confused and had no idea who I was as a person.

I should have looked at that entry as some type of foreshadowing. Of course, that meant that I would have actually had to pay attention to myself. THAT was not happening during that point in my life. I was too focused on my relationship and did not pay attention to what I needed in my life.

Now, I am much more balanced. Perfect? Not even close... I am not looking to be perfect. I just want to be happy with myself and find someone who will accept me for me. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has flaws and imperfections. We all have skeletons in our closets. Some of us just have bigger closets than others. Me, I have a very tiny closet. But you know I'm Mexican, so I have this amazing ability to cram a whole fuck load of skeletons into that small amount of space.

So what is the hidden meaning to this post? I'll let you in on a secret. THERE IS NO HIDDEN MEANING. You know, sometimes a book is just a book. No hidden message, no moral of the story, no symbolism... just words on a piece of paper.

So back to my question. What do I give myself for my four year anniversary? Knowledge.

Knowledge to know that I have done the best I can for myself the past four years. There were good times and LOTS of bad times, but I grew along the way. I kept moving forward a little at a time. I may have slid back a whole lot at times, but I continued to point in the right direction and never gave up. I am the wind beneath my wings (sing it in a Bette Midler voice and it sounds so much better).