(EDIT: So many people seem to be looking for this quote. I've created a new entry that explains this quote. If this is what you are looking for Click Here.)
I had this Godfather fascination lately and bought the complete DVD set. I haven't seen the movies in so long, it was like watching them for the first time. "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."
Sometimes I feel as if I'm Michael. He was so innocent in the beginning of the movie, but then changes toward the end of the movie. Part of me feels cold and calculating at times. Not really caring for those around me. Well I do care, but sometimes you lose people around you during a war.
Which war am I talking about? The war on my individuality. I have lost myself along the way somehow and I am trying to find a way to determine who I am. A deep fear of mine is that I may lose those around me because I am a different person in the end of this discovery. I like who I was, but I was never happy. I don't mean smile while walking down the street happy. I mean deep down inside, blue bird singing, perfect day happy. I know it may not be possible to feel this way all the time, but I want to feel this way at least SOMEtimes. I am much too cynical for such a young person. It feels as if there is this 80 year old man trapped in my body.
Oh well, I'm sure that happiness will come eventually. It's one of those quit chasing it type of situations. I have way too much stress in my life right now to feel that kind of happiness.
I'm slowly learning what my dollar amount is to sell out. How about you?
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6 comments:
Great post. I have had several months of this in my life and have finally come out the other end with a smile. It took a lot of searching for me and while there are not smiles every day, there is less despair and less of the horrible mood swings that filled my day. Keep chasing your happiness. Eventually I am sure it will come to you. Just be sure to recognize it when it does.
btw: The Godfather is the 'I ching' [sp?] of life. What do you bring with you? 'Leave the gun, take the canoli.' What day is it? 'Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday.' GREAT movie[s].
Have you ever thought that maybe you don't need to find your "true self", but find the one you were always hiding?
Your true self may have always been there, but covered up under the pretense of always trying to please someone else.
Wow, such insightful comments. I guess I would expect no less from a Godfather post.
SJM - I would most definitely agree with you on that comment. But what happens when you had several different "selfs" tucked away inside the whole time. I'm not talking Cybil personalities here. I was so codependent that I would present almost a different person to each individual just to please them. I wanted to be liked by everyone. Of course, I know realize that I can never be liked by everyone. I rather enjoy the new found enemies I am starting to develop.
Cali girl - thanks for the uplifting comment. It's weird now... everytime I hear that quote "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday", it's in a Tom Hanks voice. Of course when I hear "take it to the mattresses", I also imagine Meg Ryan shadow boxing.
Try not to get confused in your search for happiness. It's easy to believe that having outer things (success, money, house, new car, job, etc.) will bring you the happiness you desire. In reality, the happiness you seek is inside of you. Search within yourself for the inner joy, inner peace and the inner vision. Once you find that, all the outer things will appear.
This might sound hokey but think of it as cause and effect. Your outer world is the effect of whatever thoughts you transmit into it.
...curious to hear where the trail of mattresses has led you...hopefully the bottom line hasn't taken you prisoner...and that 80 year old man has gone on to a better place...
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