Swing set

Life has its ups and downs. It always has and I'm sure it always will. I just wish the highs would last longer. Time heals all wounds. This one is no different.

Baby steps

I debated long and hard about shutting this site down. I deleted a lot of my previous thoughts on here. I don't know why I decided to leave this up. Perhaps it's for this moment.

This site is a sort of sanctuary for my thoughts. Some have been good, most not as good. This has been the one place where the real me is exposed.

I've been through a lot of pain the past few months. And I mean A LOT of pain. I haven't felt this much pain in years. It gets better every day. Of course I knew it would. It always does, but having that knowledge never makes it easier.

I have never been one to regret my decisions. I can't say that I regret anything I've done the past year. I do wonder though... That's the hardest part. Trying to keep those thoughts at bay.

Anyway, I think I'll try posting here again. Lets see how well this works out.

Never thought I would miss that feeling

Breaking up is never something anyone WANTS to do. But life happens, and we all face the end of a relationship at one point or another. I am torn between mixed emotions. Pain, anger, denial... these are all classic emotions expected after the loss of a relationship.

But the one feeling I used to feel all the time afterwards was numbness. I so want that feeling right now. I just want to feel numb to not feel the hurt anymore. And no matter what I do, I can't seem to get that numbness now. I have tried drinking, isolating myself, being around others... nothing seems to work. Certain words, actions, thoughts trigger memories of her. I just wish I didn't feel right now. I used to call that the zombie mode. I used to not like feeling like that and now it's the one feeling I wish I could feel again. Because the pain I feel right now is so intense, I'm not sure how much more I could take without losing my sanity.