Lapse of Time

Well, It's been a while since I have posted anything to this site. Actually, It's been quite some time. I usually try to post something here every day. "Try" being the key word there.

But I have a good reason for not posting lately. I just don't feel like it.

Kind of strange, but it is true. You see, I have been truly questioning myself regarding what I have been posting on this site. You know how I posted the thought of other people who personally know me affecting my postings? Well I thought that was not happening, but now I wonder if it was occurring.

"E" and I were talking about this subject a while back (actually the day I stopped posting to be exact) and she thought that my postings started to change once she knew about my site. I called her "crazy" (not really, but did disagree with her) and went about my merry way. But then it slowly started to creep into my head.

"Am I filtering my postings knowing that she is reading my site?"

I really don't think I am, but damn it, now I'm second guessing myself. I want to make sure that I am not being affected by other people's opinions of me during my posts. I know this is my site and I can post whatever the hell I want to post, but it all seems so fake at times. I love to read other people's blogs when they are so real and intimate. That is the goal of my blog. For other people to see the dark and real side of me. I do not want to hold anything back.

So the question remains, have I been doing that lately?

When I created this site, I feel I was as vulnerable as I could be and expressed myself in that manner. Now I'm not so sure. It is almost as if I have sold out lately and gone commercial. This is not the kind of information I wanted my site to be composed of (yep, ended it with a preposition just for the hell of it).

Lost my thoughts on this are for sure (Channeling Yoda in my mind).

Song for a Friend

Jason Mraz is coming to Houston Nov. 29, 2005. I'm hyped that I get to see him live in concert. His lyrics are very impressive and once again why try to put into words what he has beautifully done in music.

Let's say take a break from the day
And get back to the old garage
Because life's too short anyway
But at least it's better then average
As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we'll got a lot to go around
I'll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you
And I'll keep reminding
If it's the only thing I ever do
I will always love
I will always love you
Yes you

Love of a Friend

You know, as a guy it's hard for me to tell people "I love you." Growing up, that phrase was not heard but there was a silent understanding that my family loved me. To change that pattern, I make sure that I constantly tell my daughter that I love her and she will not have to grow up with the same type of emotional baggage that I carry. I know that I am not perfect and I probably will give her some other type of emotional baggage to carry in her life, but it won't be the same type as mine. That's the best I can do as a father (try to give her a better life than I had).

I got a little side tracked there. Anyway, I have been able to tell other people in my life that I loved them. And at that time I did love them so I used the term appropriately. But the people that truly matter to me I have not told as frequently how much they mean to me. I do not have a whole lot of "close" friends in my life. I have always been extremely guarded and not let people get too close to me emotionally. Unfortunately, this creates a gap in my life that does not allow people to get too close to me. Therefore, they can not be close friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but they do not know much about my personal life.

So for the few people out there that are my close friends (and they know who they are), I just wanted to say, "Thanks and I love you." Not the same type of phrase that was on Starved, but the real deal. Without these people in my life, I would not be were I am today. They helped me through some hard times in my life. Life has its ups and downs and they have been there with me through both. Hopefully they will be with me for a long time to go through more of my future life cycles.

Discovery of Faith

Those that know me or have been reading my site for a while know that I do not have a high regard for organized religion. I have always thought of myself has having lost my "faith". Let's flash back to my childhood shall we?

***Flashing back now***

The story begins with a child raised in a strong Catholic household. The child is forced to go to mass every Sunday since he could remember. Eventually the child just attended these events without even thinking why he was going to church. He went so often that it was just natural. Sort of like an abused housewife that knows no other life so doesn't think twice about the abuse. This was my life. We always went to church so it was just the way things were around my household. My parents were both extremely active in the church and pressed this influence on me. So off I went to do the churchly duties. I was an alter boy (never touched that I can remember) and I was a lecturer (read the bible during mass). I even went "all the way" and was confirmed in the church. For all those non-Catholics out there its equivalent to making Eagle scout for the boy scouts. I was also part of the youth group there. I had plenty of friends there in the church, but we all were in a similar situation. I really don't think anyone there knew why they attended church.

***Flashing forward to present times now***

I just went to a wedding this weekend at my old church. The couple getting married are both extremely active in the church. At the wedding I saw several of these old friends. They were still attending the same church and still somewhat active in the church. Which got me thinking. If I never left for college and experienced religious life other than the catholic religion, I may have still been involved with the Catholic religion like them. I am proud of my openminded thinking and cherish the fact that I did experience other forms of religion (albeit short experiences). I still have a negative feeling regarding organized religions. I think they have this ability to brainwash the masses using fear and naiveness. I hold off on my soapbox for the moment and reserve that for another post.

Okay, so to make a long story short (I know, I know, to late). I always thought of myself as having no faith. You know, no faith in religion. So whenever anyone asked me, "Do you have any faith?". I've always answered "no". As I was laying in bed this morning I realized that I do have a form of faith. It's just not based on religion. I have faith in science. I know it sounds weird but let's look at this a little more deeper.

Faith can be defined as, "Complete trust or confidence in someone or something."

Okay, so I know I don't trust religion. So I have no faith in religion, but I do trust science. I can't explain in detail why my computer works at the molecule level (Well, after some googling I'm sure I could tell you). That's not important. What is important is that I have faith that whatever people smarter than me tell me about science, I blindly believe. I have faith that their intelligence is correct on the matter. Now I don't go believing in everything anyone tells me, but some things I just take for granted as true. Do we really know why the Earth circles the sun? Aren't these man-made rules we live our life by? Physics in a man made set of rules that we created to help us explain scientific discoveries. Would it not be possible for man to bend these rules since we created them? Anyway, my faith in science is what keeps me going. I know it's not much, but it's all I've got right now.

Greatness

I had this thought that occurred yesterday.

Greatness is achieved not given.

I have always thought that I would be this great world leader some day. You know, run some grand corporation and control the world. Blah, Blah, Blah. I always knew this was my destiny, but I didn't know when it would occur. I would just sit back and wait for destiny to unfold. What a crock of bullshit.

Destiny will never come and hand deliver the world to my lap. In order for me to be great, I must act. I must be a full participant in this thing called life. I know these thoughts seem a little grandiose, but I feel strongly about them. I am tired of sitting here and blaming everything around me for my current situation in life. Not that I'm complaining about my current life, because it is actually going extremely well. I just want more. I always want more.

This could be taken in two ways.

1. I am never satisfied and will never be satisfied. Damn that White Whale.
2. I am ambitious and will go far in life.

As much as I like playing with my spear and chasing tail, I think I'll have to consider myself an option 2 kind of guy.
So, with that I think I'll start taking back control of my life and quit letting destiny lead me in the wrong direction. Where is all of this coming from? Well, lately I have lost a lot of desire to do things to better my life. I have plenty of new things to advance myself in my career and I have lots of things to learn personally. For some reason, I have not had the desire to achieve these things. That will all change today.

"What are we going to do tonight Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night Pinky; try to take over the world."

Junior Bear

Do you remember that cartoon with the three bears (momma bear, papa bear, and big ass baby bear)? The baby bear wanted so bad to just be a kid, but he wasn't aware of his big size and would break everything. He would also constantly hurt his father because he just didn't know his own strength. Well, I am that baby bear.

I have come to the realization lately that I have no agility what-so-ever. I just tried to open a bottle of water and to make a long story short. I am still cleaning the water off of my cubicle. There is water on the side walls, on my keyboard, on my chair and all over the floor. And I have noticed that I am like that all the time. I'm not saying that I am this powerful guy that can't control my own strength (truth be known, I'm far from that), but I must have less nerve endings in my extremities than normal people. I just can't seem to know when to stop using force. It's like using a shotgun to kill a roach. Yes the roach is dead, but so is everything else twenty feet around it. This is my life. Yes the bottle of water is open, but I lost 1/3 of the water all over the place.

I don't know why I share this kind of stuff out there. You would think that I would be smarter and not share this information. I think it's some form of warning to those who know me. That way, if you are ever around me and see me stumbling around and knocking things over, I may not be drunk. Well, 90% of the time I probably am drunk, but the other 10% is caused by my clumsiness.

(On a side note, I think I'm feeling comma crazy today. What's with all of the commas all over the place?)

The Man

Okay, I've calmed down some since the last posting and will try this again.

I have this weird fascination about fighting "The Man". I have been constantly fightin with him for a while now. It's kind of funny because I argue with my father about him being part of the man and he is proud to be part of the man. So I tell him how I'm going to take him down and then ask to borrow money from him. See, that's part of my plan because I won't pay him back. That way I'm stickin it to the man (actually this is not true). I do try to stick it to the man whenever possible.

It's kind of funny because "E" is also part of the man. Isn't that funny how women can be part of the man as well. I guess once you reach that status, you end up with the status of "the man". I constantly tease her about being part of the man, but she disagrees with me. She does not think she is part of the man. Of course that's what they all think. That's the worst part, they don't even realize they are the man until it's too late. Then, BAM... they put a smack down on the little people and realize they are the man.

I even have my daughter fightin the man. I tell her, "Who are we stickin it to?" and she says, "The Man". I even gave her several examples of who "the man" is. That way, when people ask her who the man is, she can give them examples. This is the best part of having kids. You can influence them to serve your greater purpose (Bringing down the man).

I don't know why exactly I started thinking about this topic today. I think it started when I remembered that phone commercial playing right now. Where there is the older executive guy sticking it to the man. And then his assistant says, "But sir, you are the man. Aren't you sticking it to yourself?" And he says, "Maybe" or something like that. I find that commercial pretty hilarious.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no socialist or communist. I am a firm believer in capitalism. It's just that if I came across some large sum of money some day, I would do it differently. I know, I know... everyone says that. But I would. I would still shop at Target (not Wal-mart. I hate Wal-mart). And I would still drive my Nissan Xterra (even the same model I have. I can't stand the new models). I would just have more money to buy more things like Apple products or electronics. And don't get me started on the whole Microsoft / PC thing. I can't stand them and they definitely personify the man as good as anything else.

Okay, enough of my ramblings today. I had a whole lot more earlier so I guess you will have to get the shorter version today. I know I'm rambling now, as usual. All the voices in my head are screaming at me to stop. I have decided to name my voices the committee. I like that. "The committee". Actually, I think I saw that somewhere else and decided to steal that line. Anyway, it doesn't matter because the committee has unanimously decided to adjourn for the day.

Peace, love, and happiness...
And don't forget. Every time you stick it to the man, an angel gets his wings....

WTF

I was working on a post just now and you know what the worst possible thing could happen?

You could have some webpage screw with your browser and lose all of the work you just did.

I had a rather lengthy post that I was about to upload, when it all went bye bye. I am feeling rather pissy about it now. I don't know if I should try to remember everything and repost it, or just not give a crap and say, "screw it all". Don't know, well see what happens.

Damn you web browser...

Obsession

You know, I seem to have this obsession to want to post something daily even if I can't figure out what to say. Is this healthy? I think that maybe this site takes too much of my time and distracts me from other things in my life. If I'm not thinking about what to post, I'm looking at my statistics of the site.

Good Lord, what has happened to me?

I do this quite often whenever I start something new in my life. For example, I just got a TIVO earlier this summer and was totally addicted. I would sit there for hours at a time and watch TV. Before I got the thing, I would watch maybe an hour of TV a day (if that). When I first got the thing, I was watching around six hours a day (at least) of TV. I have since dropped down to about two hours a day. But that is still pretty irritating. I have around six half read books and can not finish them because I need to have my TIVO time. This addiction will be the death of me. One day, my place will smell like cat ass and someone will have to break down my door to find my dead ass stuck on the couch with the TIVO remote in my hand.

I must get away from this madness. I have tried to stay away from my blog, but it's kinda therapeutic in a way to post my thoughts. Sometimes, I just want to get some of this madness out of my head and let other people hold onto these crazy thoughts for a while.

Wouldn't that be a cool pet? "Own your very own Crazy Thought". Kind of like a pet rock, but crazier...

Oh well, some may be wondering where the hell this idea came from. Some may not give a rat's ass. The thought occurred to me this morning while I was driving into work. I added a post yesterday regarding my ability to not have any ideas about what to post. What the hell was that about? I must be getting desperate just to put something down.

Believe me. There are many things in this life of mine to be desperate about, but this site should not be one of them. Well, that's all I have to say about that...

Nada

Yep, no thoughts today.
Empty void in my head right now.

The only thing that popped into my head today was the fact of how fast this year has passed.
We are already in November and it seems like the year just started.

Am I getting old or what?
I feel so senile all of a sudden.