Yes, this is much better. I think I'm actually getting back to my old self again. At least when it comes to my sleep pattern. I had a really bad cough a couple of weeks ago, so the doctor gave me some good drugs. The cough medicene had codine in it, so it was supposed to knock me out. Well, I guess I was really bad off because it didn't work for the first few days. Then my cough started to subside and the medicene started to do it's thing.
Which really sucked... I would fall asleep around 9:30 or 10:00 every night. Then I wouldn't wake up until 7:30 in the morning and felt groggy as hell. What the fuck??? Nine and a half hours of sleep. It was really messing up my internal clock.
Hah, look at me now mister medicene. I'm up well past midnight and don't feel any ounce of sleepiness in my body. I still get up around 7:30, but now I feel better because I'm going to be much later. Its just how I roll. (No matter how I say that in my head, it just doesn't sound cool out loud for some reason)
Who knows, maybe I'll pull an all-nighter just for the hell of it. You think I'm zigging, but all along I'm really zagging. Shit, maybe I am more tired than I realize because I'm not making much sense right now.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Sharing crap and all that jazz
I guess since I haven't really posted much lately and I definitely haven't posted anything of substance within the last few months, its time to look deep within this black heart of mine and share some information about me. I was told a while back that I do not share enough information about myself. That is true. I tend to keep my life pretty private. I have an issue with trust and only let a few people know the real me. So, here is a small baby step to change that aspect of me.
I don't grieve very well. Actually, I hardly grieve at all. I have lost both of my grandfathers to cancer, but I never cried about it. I have lost pets as a child, but I never let it affect me. I went through a freakin divorce and didn't feel any grief (lots of anger for sure, but no grief).
The closest thing to grief I have felt is when my daughter was a little girl during the separation from my ex-wife. My daughter was four years old and it killed me when she would cry for me when her mother would come to pick her up. She didn't understand why she couldn't stay with me. She was always a daddy's little girl and seeing the tears in her eyes really tore me up. But I didn't let it show. I have only told a few people about how I felt when that happened. By few, I mean like two (at most). It still gets me to this day just thinking about those moments and I can still see her face crying when I close my eyes sometimes.
I guess all of it stems from the fact that I felt the need to be strong for my family. Damn Mexican heritage. I was always told as a child that men don't cry and men were tough. All that does is eat you up from the inside out.
I don't know why I chose to share this with the world, but I do know what triggered these thoughts. There is a very nice lady that works in our cafeteria at work. She just had a baby a couple of years ago and I would talk to her every day when I went down to get my coffee fix. She was in a car accident this weekend and ended up paralyzed from the neck down. That sucks big time.
I can't understand how life works. The people that dont' deserve these kind of things are hurt all the time. Meanwhile, the scumbags of the earth are never dealt this kind of bad hand.
I don't grieve very well. Actually, I hardly grieve at all. I have lost both of my grandfathers to cancer, but I never cried about it. I have lost pets as a child, but I never let it affect me. I went through a freakin divorce and didn't feel any grief (lots of anger for sure, but no grief).
The closest thing to grief I have felt is when my daughter was a little girl during the separation from my ex-wife. My daughter was four years old and it killed me when she would cry for me when her mother would come to pick her up. She didn't understand why she couldn't stay with me. She was always a daddy's little girl and seeing the tears in her eyes really tore me up. But I didn't let it show. I have only told a few people about how I felt when that happened. By few, I mean like two (at most). It still gets me to this day just thinking about those moments and I can still see her face crying when I close my eyes sometimes.
I guess all of it stems from the fact that I felt the need to be strong for my family. Damn Mexican heritage. I was always told as a child that men don't cry and men were tough. All that does is eat you up from the inside out.
I don't know why I chose to share this with the world, but I do know what triggered these thoughts. There is a very nice lady that works in our cafeteria at work. She just had a baby a couple of years ago and I would talk to her every day when I went down to get my coffee fix. She was in a car accident this weekend and ended up paralyzed from the neck down. That sucks big time.
I can't understand how life works. The people that dont' deserve these kind of things are hurt all the time. Meanwhile, the scumbags of the earth are never dealt this kind of bad hand.
Whole Month
I definitely post to this site in some sort of cyclic fashion. I can't believe its been a whole month since my last post. I guess I really lost track of time lately. I had a really bad case of flu the past few weeks, but that should not be any excuse. After all, I was home the last couple of weeks. I can't explain it. I just accept it and move on with my life.
That alone is a huge change from my previous personality. I would dwell on those small things for a long, long time and drive myself crazy. I would over analyze EVERYTHING. I always thought it was just my personality and it couldn't change.
I was but a mere child then (year ago). I have learned since then that nothing is static in life and everything is always changing. I think that was part of my problem in the past. I would try so hard to keep everything the same. Its like trying to push all the sand back up the hour glass. No way I could do it, but I would try my hardest. Then when I would fail (obviously I would fail), I would take it really hard and consider myself a failure. I was such a shmuck when I look back on myself.
I know that physically there is not much difference between a year ago and now, but emotionally I'm a whole different person. After all, once you hit 30, forget about it. I'm older than dirt. At least that's how I feel. And 40... oh gawd please tell me it gets better.
Its funny because what do you really have to look forward to after 25? The only age goal left is social security. Fuck me that's forty years later. Let's see... 18 - get to vote, 21 - get to drink, 25 - can rent convertibles... yep big gap here... 65 - eat cat food with my social security checks.
Screw that! I blowing my social security on booze. Let's see... cat food or booze. Hhmmm... I think I'll grab some Mad Dog and Strawberry Hill. Can't beat a good bottle of $2.99 wine.
That alone is a huge change from my previous personality. I would dwell on those small things for a long, long time and drive myself crazy. I would over analyze EVERYTHING. I always thought it was just my personality and it couldn't change.
I was but a mere child then (year ago). I have learned since then that nothing is static in life and everything is always changing. I think that was part of my problem in the past. I would try so hard to keep everything the same. Its like trying to push all the sand back up the hour glass. No way I could do it, but I would try my hardest. Then when I would fail (obviously I would fail), I would take it really hard and consider myself a failure. I was such a shmuck when I look back on myself.
I know that physically there is not much difference between a year ago and now, but emotionally I'm a whole different person. After all, once you hit 30, forget about it. I'm older than dirt. At least that's how I feel. And 40... oh gawd please tell me it gets better.
Its funny because what do you really have to look forward to after 25? The only age goal left is social security. Fuck me that's forty years later. Let's see... 18 - get to vote, 21 - get to drink, 25 - can rent convertibles... yep big gap here... 65 - eat cat food with my social security checks.
Screw that! I blowing my social security on booze. Let's see... cat food or booze. Hhmmm... I think I'll grab some Mad Dog and Strawberry Hill. Can't beat a good bottle of $2.99 wine.
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