Year of Reflection

It always come back to this time of year. Screw the resolution thing this year. The past few years I have created resolutions and not even come close to fulfilling the resolutions. Why? Because I'm a lazy fuck, that's why.

So what to do this year? Well, I have decided to follow the Time Magazine format and declared 2007 the "Year of Reflection". I have spent most, if not all, of the year looking inward at myself. I have spent a lot of energy on this reflection. What has all of this reflection returned into my life? Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

I now declare 2008 the "Year of Action". A person can only look inward for so long before going crazy. And if your crazy to begin with, then words can not even begin to describe the insanity going through my head.

Only time will tell if this works better than the resolution thing. All I know is that I need to start doing something other than analyze myself all the time.

What if God was one of Us

I think I've said this before, but what if the Devils minions are not aware that they are evil? What if they think they are doing good, but they are actually causing evil to exist in this world?

First off, there would need to be a belief in God / Devil for that to happen. Right? But what if that non-belief is what helps spread the evil along? What if they convince enough people that there is no God nor the Devil and that causes them to lose their way?

I don't know why this popped into my head this morning, but it did. I have been told many, many times that I have caused people to lose their belief in religion. Perhaps not all the way lost, but stopped going to church lost.

I don't know anymore. All I can say is that I just came from a two hour car trip recently with just me and my very religious mom alone in the car. It wasn't pretty.

Along those same lines, my Dad mentioned that he gave money to a homeless man yesterday that asked for money. I asked him why he gave him money and he said, "What if it was the big J.C.?"

I then said, "What would Jesus need money for?" Ummm... yeah. That didn't go over to well either.

Anyway, time to ponder my eternity in hell now.

Soulmate

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

- Natasha Bedingfield

Zeus I am

Have you ever noticed people in a bookstore that look like they are trying to find a date? They just wander about aimlessly. Looking here... looking there. Then there is the tell tell glance around. Back to looking at books. Now let's try the magazine section. Looking around again.

It's even funnier when viewed from up above. I feel like a god looking from Mt. Olympus. Or some Sims game where I can only watch the characters interact with each other. Or NOT interact with each other.

This brings me great joy. I'm such a prick.

Need a new pair of shoes

I was watching Forrest Gump and there is a line that stuck out at me like a sore thumb.

"Mama said that sometimes you just have to put the past behind you. I think that's why I was running."

I think that was part of the reason I ran a few years ago. I need to start running again.

I'm dreaming of a midly humid warm Christmas

I'm sitting here in shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops. IN THE MONTH OF DECEMBER. This insanity has to stop. Why do we even have seasons anymore. We should reduce the seasons to two. Hot and Cold. In Houston, we would have two months of Cold season and freakin ten months of Hot season. At least I wouldn't get my hopes up each year that this is the magical year we have snow during Christmas. Hell, even something below 60 degrees during Christmas would be nice.

Red > Green

You know what I wanted when it first came out but couldn't get? An American Express Red Card. It is only available if you are an English (England not American) resident. That sucked then and it still sucks now. I figured it was only a matter of time before they would bring it here, but no. Still no American version of the Red Card.

I wanted it for selfish reasons... it looks damn good. I know that's sad to say for a credit card, but it really does stand out. Of course, there is the whole product Red thing that I do support.

So now I see that the Red card has become trendy with the R&B singers and rappers. They have it in songs and flash it in videos. Fuckers... why ya gotta be rubin it in my face, huh?

Anyway, just had to vent that out for a sec and now I'm good again.

Food and conversation, or not

I know I've mentioned before that I am not a people person. Well, that's not entirely true. I like people, I just don't like strangers too much. I was thinking about this earlier. I know I keep trying to figure out why. I've had theories in the past, but this is my latest theory. It something to do with my parents, IT ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY PARENTS.

So, my latest theory goes back to the 80's. There was the TV movie Adam. This was about the abduction of John Walsh's son and how they found him dead. My parents wanted to make sure that I did not follow this same pattern, so they had me watch the movie. It freaked me out. Then to top it all off, they would reinforce this idea that I could be taken at any moment. Their lesson, "Never, ever, talk to strangers".

Well, I guess it worked. I was never abducted. I also am pretty fucked up around strangers, but not abducted.

So, that is my latest theory. I have come to realize that my latest phone allows me the convenience to ignore strangers even more than before. I was ordering food this evening and while waiting for my order, I pull out my phone. There were these women sitting in the next table, and I could hear them clear as day. Hell they were only two feet away from me.

Woman1: "What is that he is looking at?"
Woman2; "I don't know. I think it's his phone."
Woman1: "Looks strange for a phone."
Woman2: "He just keeps looking at it."

All the while I sit there and ignore them. Do to do... I don't hear you. I am just going to sit here and stare straight ahead at my phone. Awkward...

Obviously they have not seen an iPhone before. I could have easily looked at them and strike up a conversation to show them my phone. Hell, most people love to show off their iPhone. I didn't.

My little buzzer thing goes off and go pick up my food and leave. I am so fucked up around strangers.

Smooth yet minty

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

Never, ever... and I mean ever, drink two bottles of wine and then brush your teeth. EVER.

Sure fire way to puke. Yep, sure fire way to puke. No doubt about it.

Okay, maybe not sure fire. I haven't thrown up yet, but feeling awful close.

That's all I have to say about that.

I didn't know it could go inside out

I give up. Every time I try to do this stupid six in six, my attempt is a failure. I guess you just can't force anything. I guess my first girlfriend was right, you just can't force it in. Ha ha ha, just kidding... sorta.

It has been one hell of a week and it's only Wednesday. This sucks. Yesterday was a day from hell and I have a feeling today will be about the same. I wake up late this morning and rush to the shower. As I step into the shower, I scream like a little girl. The water was ice cold. Not sorta cold, not kinda cold, but nut shrunk, mister winky shrinky, nipples poke out an eye cold.

Fuck. I was already late, so I had to suck it up and take a quick ass shower. Then I realized I was supposed to work on a server this morning, so here I am performing my work from home for now until this damn server reboots.

Kids... This is what is called foreshadowing. Today was NOT a good day, Mr. Ice Cube.

Okay, the server is back up now so I guess this ends my post. Hopefully there will be another one today, but I doubt it.

All beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles...

I read a survey that showed the twenty most obese cities in the US. Surprisingly, Houston was not in the top 20. What surprised me even more was that San Diego was in the top twenty.

Hah, take that self righteous people!

Sorry, have issues with that one. Okay, back on track. So, it goes on to say that the leading cause of the obesity numbers is directly related to the poverty level of the cities and the amount of fast food they consume. We all know it is cheaper now to eat crap from a fast food place than it is to make it yourself (for the most part).

So why is San Diego on there. Because of the vast number of Hispanics that live in the city and that love to eat fried foods. I have to admit, my people love to eat fried foods. We bread and fry grease and call them crispy treats.

I digress, again. So I continued reading and found out that these people that they call obese have correlated the amount of times they go out to eat fast food to the obesity. They go out to eat on average 20 days a month for fast food. Now they didn't mention what constituted these meals. Where they lunches or dinners or both. I'm not sure. But you know what I do know?

I eat out EVERY DAY. Not just 20 days a month, but EVERY DAY. And not just lunches. Dinners, lunches, breakfastessess. ALL THE TIME.

Yep, that's right. I'm fatty Mcfat Fat. Why do I eat out so much? I'm not 100% sure, but I think it has something to do with laziness and being FAT. It's a vicious cycle.

So what am I going to do about it? I don't know. I think I'll grab a Kolache and think about it.

Time to stretch

Have you ever sat in a chair for so long that your butt bone starts to hurt?

I'm just saying...

Failure to Launch

And I was doing so good. Yesterday through everything off and today was hectic as hell. I will be gone all day tomorrow, so I don't see my six in six completing anytime soon.

I'm going to imagine all of this never happened. Just close my eyes... and blink real hard. Then it will all just disappear. BLINK. Nope, I got nothing.

So, I think on Sunday I will try the six in six again. I know I can do this, I just have to try a little harder.

Today was a good day

Woohoo, first post of the day. I don't know why, but I was able to naturally get up early today. I was before daybreak. I hope this is a sign of a good day.

You know what I hate? Lazy people. People who do a half ass job at everything they do in life. Do you know anyone like this? I know several people like this and it drives me crazy. I think some of that insanity stems from the fact that I want to change them SO BAD. I want them to be a better person. Those last two statements were wrong on so many levels.

Who am I to determine a better person from a lesser person? I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from perfect, but don't tell my head this. Anyway, enough of the soul searching for now because I want this to remain a good day. I keep hearing the Ice Cube song in my head as I type this.

Tell me it ain't so

So I was able to pull it off today. This is my last post of the night. And what have I been contemplating the last couple of hours? Whether I need to upgrade my iPhone to the latest version. I decided to hack my iPhone a week ago and love the hacked version. The only downside is that it is more unstable now. So I want to restore it back to the original version.

There is this nice little button in iTunes called "Restore" that will take your iPhone and put it back to factory mode. Well, I hit that button and it wants to update my phone to the latest version.

The catch, there are issues with the latest version and the hacked iPhone. Duh! It's the whole chicken and egg thing. Only this chicken can permanently break the phone.

Decisions, Decisions...

Cool like that

I have this secret desire to wear hats. I want to be a hat guy so bad. Not a cap guy, but a fedora hat type of guy. I have to admit this... everytime I see one in the store, I try it on. And everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I just shake my head. Does that stop me from trying again, nope.

I keep looking for the perfect fishing hat as well. I keep trying on big brimmed hats to protect me from the sun when I go fishing. I look goofy as hell, but I keep on trying.

Ballcaps are no problem for me. Of course, it's kinda hard to look bad in a ball cap.

I have tried beanie type of hats during the winter. Some are kinda decent on me, but not all of them.

My ultimate goal is to look good in a fedora. Or maybe I just want to be like Indiana Jones. Either way, I think I would look cool.

Fashion sense

What is the weirdest outfit you have ever worn in public? Not halloween, but a normal everyday outfit. Mine... Blue jeans, tank top, and a trench coat. In the middle of May... in Houston. It was hot as hell, but I had to wear the jacket all day long.

I have washed my own laundry since the sixth grade. My parent's instilled the need of self care since I was very young. They had me washing my own clothes and ironing my own clothes at a young age. I don't know if it was to help me prepare for the future or if it was their laziness, but either way I had to do it. My concept of "laundry day" was whenever I ran out of clean underwear. In fact, that is still my concept of laundry day.

Anyway, as you may guess, I ran out of clean clothes and I had to go to school. All I had were some dirty jeans and a tank top. I couldn't wear a tank top in school, so I had to wear a jacket on top of it all day long. Of all the jackets, the trench coat made me look the least idiotic. Well, that was my thought at the time. I think whatever jacket I used would have made me look stupid.

Of course now the whole "trench coat" thing has a different meaning in high schools.

I like my drinks to glow

Do you want to know a really good drink? Vodka and Energy drink. That's it. Really simple, and really smooth.

I have been drinking this drink for the last eight years. My family lived in Brazil at the time and I went out to a club while I was there. The clubs there don't open until midnight and last until the morning. How do they stay awake and party the whole time? Vodka and energy drinks.

I brought back this drink style when I returned to the states. Now the drink is in style. That's all right. I'm still loving my all night party drink.

Whoosh goes the neon

Yep, just now getting my second entry in for the day. This is going to be hard as hell. I have faith in myself. Let's see, what else is there to know about me.

I once snorted a line of coke off a hooker's breast.

Okay, I made that all up, but wouldn't it be cool if I had a story like that? At least had a story like that that I was willing to SHARE. I don't know, I think I have had a pretty boring life to tell you the truth. I used to go to rave parties in a past life. Yep, that was when the downtown district was not all redone. There is a warehouse area across from what is now Minute Maid Park that used to house rave parties. I was one of those people bouncing around with my neon and drinking all kinds of shit.

I think that is why I still have a small place in my heart for dance music. Brings back the memories. In fact, I'm listening to some right now. If you have iTunes, go to the Internet Radio section. Select "Dance" music and listen to the "Party 93.5" Channel. Some good grooves right there, yes sir.

Weak sauce

Sooo... how ya doin?

Me, I'm doing OK, I guess. A little tired. A little lazy. A whole lotta wornout. Yep, that's about it.

I've been trying to post something to this site for the last four days. I have the screen open. I start to think about what to type and then I don't type anything. Very, very strange. I can usually think of something to put down. Anything. Not the past few days. It's been a week since my last post and that one was rather weak. So to make up for the rather poor performance in blogging, I will make it up to the two people reading this site.

I will try to post six new entries for the next six days. And not some bullshit weak sauce entries. No, they will be glorified tell all "True Hollywood Story" type entries. At least I will try. I want to see if I can actually pull this off. It's not to say that I will not post some quote or song, but they will not count toward my six entries.

So what happened to my last wild hair up my ass project (Lose 21 pounds in 21 days)? Yeah, totally failed. Oh the horrors...
I went so far opposite, that I think I gained 21 pounds in 21 days. I must be dyslexic. I guess all the drinking and late night bingeing didn't help either. The worst part... I entered a contest at work for the biggest loser. I paid freakin $50 to enter the contest to see who could lose the most weight. I guess, I'm the biggest loser after all. Oh snap, the irony in that one is off the charts.

Anyway, this will count as my first post. One down, five to go.

Quote of the Day

"Depression is just rage turned inward."

I couldn't put it better myself.

Sink or swim

Do you know anyone that has not followed the conventional way of life and somehow has a better "life" than you do? Well, better is a very relative term. I have a friend that has not worked a conventional day job since he left high school. He has jumped around from career to career, but he has owned his own company the whole time. I have seen him close down so many companies and start up a company in a different field. How the hell does he do it?

I was talking to him last night about it and I mentioned the famous line, "You can't have big rewards without big risks". He smirked, but told me the truth. He has had the big rewards, but he has also had the big failures. He is the type of person that does not show this side very often. It also may have been the rum and beer talking, but he showed his other side last night. The failures are tough. Not slightly tough, but extremely tough. I guess I always avoid the other half of that equation. Big risks can also lead to big losses.

I'm gonna let you in on his secret. It's really all in the person's general attitude. He has the type of personality that doesn't quit. No matter what, he just keeps pushing forward. This is his secret to his success. Do I have this type of personality? I don't know for sure, but I know I don't like losing at anything. It only makes me more determine to succeed.

After talking to him, I realized the hardest part of it all is just letting go. The first step is always the hardest. If I want the big rewards in life, then I need to just jump into the deep end and not slowly walk into the deep end. There are two type of people in this world, sinkers and swimmers. I like to think that I'm a swimmer, but we will find out for sure within the next few years.

The value of education

Do you know what I miss? I miss school. I never thought I would say it, but I miss it a hell of a lot. I loved the late night cramming and the constant learning. So why don't I go back?

I don't know why. Well, actually I do know. I'm afraid of the cost. To get my masters, I would be in some major debt. It has taken me several years to get a handle on my debt. A little over six years ago, I had several credit cards and didn't pay jack shit on any of them. Not a dime. I would tell the debt collectors, "I'm not paying jack shit and so stop calling."

Yeah, real mature of me. My credit was obviously worthless. It was so bad, I had to pay a $500 deposit on a cell phone plan. I don't know why I did it. Actually I do know why. I had perfect credit when I was in college. I mean really, really good credit. I have a baby and get married and then my amount of debt grows fast.

Then the divorce happens. And I was a stupid idiot and took most of the debt in the divorce. I could have probably handled the debt, but I think I was bitter because it was associated to the failed marriage. I was mad because we BOTH accumulated the debt, but I alone was paying it off. So, I did what any idiot would do and stopped paying it.

I wanted to get a house about five years ago, so then I had to really start looking into my debt problem. I did the usual debt consolidation thing and actually managed to fix my credit. I have decent credit again, not as good as before, but not bad either.

So for me to take on so much debt again, it feels painful. I know it sounds stupid, but is a Masters degree worth thousands of dollars? I know the answer to that question, but I refuse to believe it.

Anyway, I think I will start working toward some more certifications and try to take some language classes. Then I can determine if I want to go back to school. I wish I were one of those minorities that qualify for grants... oh wait a second...

Boot thoughts

What is the ultimate question in life? Do I get it now or wait for something better. I found some boots that are ok looking and can't decide if I should get them or keep looking for a better pair. At what point should I just stop looking and just buy them? Can't the same question be applied to anything in my life? This thought hit me so hard, I just had to stop and capture this thought in the middle of a shoe store.

And the award for waking up on time, goes to...

I actually woke up on time. Shocking. I only had three hours of sleep, but I did it. Now I must dodge those flying pigs and all that freakin snow on the way to the airport because I achieved the impossible. In fact, I was a little too organized. Hence, the time to write this entry. I'm sitting here and early on my schedule.

Lord, I want some sleep right now. Nothing my friend Senior Torro del Rojo can't fix.

I would like to thank God, becuase without him all of this would not be possible. And my mom, "Hi Mom!". And my homie from 7th street, yeah boy!, and my fellow early wakers. Yeah, yeah, you know wat I'm talkin 'bout. And my pops, cuz he's the reason to make this all happen. And my peeps at the 7-11. They just keeping it real. And Adrian, for keeping this stupid idea in my head for the last few days. And all the little people that I stepped on to make this a reality. And to all the playa hatas that helped give me the drive to actually wake up on time.

How to waste five minutes of your life

So, I have a plane to catch in nine hours. I have to wake up at 4:30AM to get ready and leave by 5:30. I don't have a good feeling about this. I have not fallen asleep before 1:00AM in a long, long time. Well, other than Sunday, but that was a Malaria induced fever day (so it doesn't count).

I still need to pack and prepare for this trip. I can officially say that I'm sick of travelling this year. I think I have done my fair share of trips and just want to sit at home and veg (as if I don't do that daily).

I'm in a funk again. I feel it sneaking up on me like a ninja stalking his victim. Ninjas are bad ass. Did I ever mention that I wanted to be a ninja when I grew up? Of course, how many boys didn't want to be ninjas when they grew up? But I was different. I wanted to REALLY be a ninja. I had all the equipment. We would sneak out at night and climb trees and houses. We would throw our throwing stars at everything. I even bought all the books and practiced flipping onto rooftops and jumping from the roof of the house to the fence. Now that I think about it, I was a stupid kid. The kind that you know one day will get himself killed because my favorite words were "watch this" or "I bet you I can". Looking back, I couldn't. And I would get hurt.

I don't know where that came from. I had this sudden urge to rant all of a sudden. I guess that's why it was a "sudden" urge. I could have just backspaced and erased that line, but I didn't. Okay, now I'm really digressing.

I think that is my favorite part of the Monty Python movies. They just go into these random side rants that have nothing to do with the plot. "Is it an African swallow or a European swallow?" All time favourite movie.

Anyway, I guess I'll start packing now and see what happens. I'm so screwed and you just wasted five minutes of your day.

OMG

Malaria causes a flu-like illness and these would include:

fever
rigors
headaches
sweating
tiredness
myalgia (limbs and back)
abdominal pain
diarrhea
loss of appetite
orthostatic hypotension
nausea
slight jaundice
cough
enlarged liver and spleen (sometimes not palpable)
vomiting

HOLY SHIT --- I have the fever, headaches, sweating, and tiredness symptoms. This is not looking good.

Death by a stupid flying insect

Can you die from too many mosquito bites? Would my chances of catching Malaria proportionally increase based on the number of mosquitos that bite me? I really, really need to know the answers to these questions.

I went paint balling this past weekend. Yeah, that's just how I roll. You know, me and the guys shooting at each other like some wild human hunt. Whatever... I was a freakin big ol' kid running around with the other big ol' kids shooting at anything that moved. I have to say, it was very addicting. It's like playing a video game in real life. Is it wrong of me to feel all warm and squishy inside whenever I got a head shot on another player? What if the other player was a twelve year old boy? It was either me or him and Darwin obviously wanted me to continue.

So now I have bruises all over me and I was feeling really shitty yesterday. I had this low grade fever that I just couldn't shake. I was also so sleepy and just couldn't stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time.

Did I also mention that I was the only fool at the WHOLE place that was wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Uhm... yeah. I didn't get that memo. So I have at least a hundred mosquito bites all over my body. The picture above is only part of my leg. They are like that all over me. Why the hell won't this fuckin itching stop. Yeah, I could take some Benedril and make the itching stop, but I don't have any at home. Did I mention how lazy I am and refuse to go to the store to buy some more. I know I have a big ass bottle of it around here somewhere and refuse to buy more. I just can't find it.

Man, do I like to suffer. Maybe the Malaria has spread to my brain and I can't think straight. What the hell are the symptoms of Malaria anyway? I need to end this post and hit Google to find out how much time I have before it gets worse.

Loud people suck

You know what really bothers me? Loud people that are loud for no apparent reason. Do you really need to smack your lips as you eat that muffin? Why the hell do you make a slight noise as you eat? Do you not realize that you are making that humming noise?

We are in the middle of a training session and you decide to open a carbonated drink and have it spill all over the place. Then you get up and make all this noise as you get napkins to clean the mess. Rude people really piss me off.

Then you have the nerve to sit there and talk to the person next to you like there is not a training session going on around you. Why are you even here?

Just go away and be loud somewhere else.

Ok, I feel better for now. Even though I will have to face this same rude lady tomorrow, I will muster up my strength to sit there and just get through this stupid training session.

Just another day at work

I thought my day was bad...

Home

Some people live in a house on a hill
And they wish they were someplace else
There's nobody there when the evening is still
Secrets with no one to tell

And some I have known
Have a ship where they sleep
With sounds of rocks on the coast
They sail over oceans five fathoms deep
They can't find what they want the most

- Vanessa Carlton

Song of expression

Why do I post part of song lyrics?

This thought popped into my head after hitting submit to the last post. I don't know what made me start doing this, but I would think it has something to do with my love of music. I use music as a sort of therapy to help me express my emotions at that moment in time. Any words that I put down will never quite capture my feelings as well as those certain lyrics.

I think a big part of it is also my interpretation of the lyric. Sometimes I pull out parts of a song and tweak them to fit my current state of mind. I know that the song is really expressing a certain analogy, but I alter the lyrics to fit my analogy. I don't know if I am making sense, but it's kind of hard for me to explain.

The other part that is missing is actually pretty important. The singer's voice, emotions, and the music is missing when I pull out the lyric. Those different characteristics of the song all make up my choice of song lyric. Unfortunately, I can not put all of that down in my posts, so I make do with what I have. To get an example, listen to "Turpentine" by Brandi Carlile. She has a very powerful voice that fits my feelings very well. My simple post does not do her song justice.

On occassion, I do use poetry or some other method of expression whenever possible. I think I want to start using photos as another method of expressing my current state of mind. I'm strongly fighting the urge to purchase a digital SLR camera, because my point-and-shoot camera does not capture my vision of a moment like an SLR camera would.

Anyway, I digress (again). I always seem to find a way to wander around in my posts. So, I'll leave you with more lyrics.

Well I feel like I'm lost in time
Watching the world go by
Everything looks the same
Tired of playing games

California Sun - Jem

Turpentine

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

- Brandi Carlile

Please Stand By

Daniel's brain is experiencing technical difficulties... Once it is reloaded with sugar and caffeine, we will continue with our normal insane programming.

My chicken sacrifice must have worked

I am so glad that the Yankees were eliminated in the playoffs. Perhaps they will fire Torre and we can entice Pettite back next season. We really need a solid #2 pitcher next season.

Nothing lasts forever

How does a professional athelete know when to retire? Biggio did it the right way and retired when he was on top, but what if he did still have a couple of years in him? Roger Clemens has been on the verge of retiring for the past four years, but look at how good he has been the last four years.

I just wonder if I will know when to stop certain things in my life. When will I be too old to go out partying anymore? When will I just start to look like the old creepy man at the clubs instead of mixing in with the rest of the crowd? When will I have nothing left to say for this site?

There are plenty of days I have things I want to add, but I don't take the time out at that second and write them down. I forget what I wanted to express later that day, so I just create new content that is on my mind at that moment.

I was watching this live video feed on the Internet yesterday of a guy playing a video game for 72 hours straight (yeah, that's how dorky my life is right now). Well, he was supposed to be playing for 72 hours straight and he would win an Xbox 360 and a video game. He was 26 hours into the contest and just gave up. He wasn't tired, but he said he mentally could not play the game anymore. He was burnt out 26 hours into the game and could not go any further. He probably could have gone another 12 hours easily, but he made the decision to stop playing. Why did he quit instead of playing until he couldn't stay awake any longer?

I think you have to know yourself very well to be at that level. To know when you just don't want to do something anymore and decide to stop. Since I can not imagine myself doing something like that, I have realized that I barely know myself. Something as simple as stopping when you don't feel like it is foreign to me. I can only hope that one day I will retire this site when I'm on top. I dont' think that will be any time soon though because I have so much more to say and so little time to say it.

Free has it's price

If you had a chance to get a beer and not have to pay for it would you take it? Notice how I did not mention a "free" beer. Nothing in life is free. This exact same scenario happened to me tonight.

I went out for sushi and it was extremely crowded so I had to wait for the sushi bar to free a spot. In the mean time, I sat at the regular bar and ordered a beer. The bartender did not ask me to pay ahead of time or take any credit cards from me. As my spot opened at the sushi bar, the host said I could just transfer my tab to the meal ticket. I followed him to my spot and ordered my meal. After I was done, I noticed the bill only had one beer on the ticket and I had two (including the one at the bar earlier). I did not say anything and closed out the ticket. I was thinking, "Hell yeah, I got a free beer". Then I started to think some more. Karma would not be happy with this situation.

As I was leaving, I went to the bar and asked the bartender if she had transferred my beer to my ticket. Knowing full well that she did not. She said she forgot to even ring it up, but thanked me for being so honest. I paid her cash for the drink and left. Damn it, it truly could have been free and no one would have known. That is not an entirely true statement. No one would have known except me. And that's where my conscious kicked in. Since I was knowingly trying to scam them, karma would have kicked my ass for it somehow.

Why do I think this? Because I did this exact same thing last week. AT THE SAME RESTAURANT. They forgot to put my drinks on the tab and I paid thinking I was lucky. I had a shitty week and I think karma had something to do with it. Well, shitty in a karma sense at least. I was not going to let that happen this week.

I don't know if karma really exists or if it is my subconscious sabotaging me in some way. Either way, it affects my life directly and I don't like it when it kicks me in the ass. I have always believed in the philosophy of "what comes around goes around". It always happens. Sometimes we witness the results, sometimes we don't get to see the results. But they always happen none the less.

Well, I have a full week to put it to the test.

You might be a codependent

Here's a quick test to see if you're codependent.

If you spent the whole day doing all kinds of things, come home exhausted, but none of the things you did today were for you.

Then you might be a codependent.

No forks now, only forward motion

I'm very fortunate to be at a point in my life where I can evaluate who I am as a person and who do I want to be as a person. It was a long and painful process to get me this far. My evaluation is not complete yet, but I do have some small goals set for myself that will help me grow as an individual.

I like my life right now. It's not the happiest I have ever been, but I've definitely not the worst. I recently attended an event that helped me confirm who I was as a person. I have no doubts about my personal beliefs and what I want out of life.

So now, it's on to the next step. How do I accomplish all the tasks I want in life? Standing still and waiting for things to fall into my lap does not appear to be working. As much as I have tried this method, the results always end up the same. I have to go out and be aggressive with my life. The greater the risk, the greater the reward.

Wandering Thoughts

Sooo... how about this weather? Um... yeah. I've come to realize that most of my posts lately have been light and fluffy without much substance. I don't intentionally create entries like that, it just seems to happen every now and then. I think tonight is going to be one of those inner looking moments and bearing of the soul posts. Doesn't that sound so dramatic?

It shouldn't sound so drastic, but for me it feels that way. I have come a long, long way towards expressing my emotions in the last couple of years. Did I ever mention that at one point in my life I was seeing a therapist? During the really bad moments, I would see him twice a week. It's been a while since I've seen him, but just looking back I can remember how bad everything felt at that time. It always appears worse when you are going through those moments. Looking back, it really wasn't that bad. That's the difference between the me now and the me then. I still have those moments of doubt within myself, but I have come to realize that I think everyone has those moments. One way or another we all share that feeling from time to time. The important part is how we deal with those emotions when we are going through them. Dealing with those feelings in the present.

I had someone tell me a story recently of how a friend was toxic in this person's life. And this person had to tell the friend to stay away because that friend was only causing grief in that person's life. Do I have toxic people in my life? This was the question posed to me after the story.

Wow, that is a really serious question to consider. I know I have had some seriously toxic people in my past life. My present life, I'm not so sure. Without the ability to see my life from an outside perspective, it's really hard to distinguish the toxic people from the non-toxic people. Of course after saying all that junk, I should mention that I am aware of certain toxic people from my past that I have sent on their merry way.

On a completely unrelated note... Have you ever noticed that life has a way of working itself out. It also has a way of surprising me when I least expect it. For example, this past weekend I was sitting in Hooter's having a philosophical debate concerning the belief in destiny versus fate. That is not that unusual except that I was having this debate with the waitress. Not to stereotype anyone, but this is not the place one would expect to have this type of discussion.

I was very impressed with her arguments. They did not change my opinion, but I did respect her view none the less. I have noticed that I have become more skeptical regarding the terms fate and destiny. I was watching the movie Serendipity recently and found myself telling the TV how much all of this was a bunch of crock. Our fate is not predetermined and we can not just sit and wait for it to guide us in our life. Our actions influence our life and I believe that our life changes daily.

I remember when I was a kid, I had this fantasy that I would fall madly in love with some woman and fate would have us meet. Isn't that strange? Not the story book fairy tale stuff, but the fact that a boy would think like this. Isn't this usually what girls dream of when they are little? I really think my childhood parent pressure thing screwed me up mentally when it comes to relationships.

Anyway, I digress. It's not that I don't believe in fate or destiny. I just think that it is not static. It is dynamic and constantly changing. This is where I lose most people. The dictionary defines destiny as "the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future". My belief is that these events change based on our constant actions throughout the day. If I have two paths to choose in my daily decision, my future will change depending on my choice of the left path versus the right path.

This is where I come into conflict at times. What if I made the wrong choice somewhere along the way? What if I was meant to be in a certain relationship, but made some choice and now it is all messed up? There is no "undo" button in life. I guess the tragic part in all of this is the fact that I may never know. I must continue to move forward then and not second guess all my past decisions. This is tough. Really tough.

So the waitress then throws this curveball into my belief system. "You can't change your destiny. Even though you may pick one path versus the other, the destiny does change. The difference is that it changes to have you come back to your original selection." Kind of like it is an auto-undo and it corrects my path to lead it back on track. That is an interesting theory.

Kind of like Heroes. No matter what Hiro tries to do to change the future, it always ends up the same. Is this my life? If that is the case, then where is my life heading? There are certain directions that I seem to always be heading toward and have resisted that path far too many times.

I'm sure I lost most people by the third paragraph. For those remaining, I'll leave you with a Jason Mraz lyric.

Climb up over the top
Survey the state of the soul
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control and inevitably wind up
Finding for yourself all the strengths that you have inside of you

These are not the droids you are looking for...

Sometimes I wonder if my dog has psychic powers and I'm just not receptive to her abilities. Every day she just sits in front of me and stares at me. STARES hard. No blinking, no noise, just a blank stare.

What the hell is she trying to tell me? Why can I not read her mind? She is obviously sending me some psychic thought and I can not pick up her brain waves for some reason.

In the past, this would frustrate me to no end. "Why the hell are you staring at me???" I would actually shout this at her. No response. Only more blank stares.

Now, I just stare back. I don't say anything, I don't do anything, I just stare. This must mean something because now she gets frustrated and jumps around in a circle when I do this. What this means, I have no idea. It's a start. Now If I could only figure out what the whole jumping and spinning things means...

Lunch with laughter

I had lunch today with an old friend. It's been a while since we had lunch together and I forgot how nice it is to have lunch and share old memories together. I'm glad for the friends I have in my life. That's all I have to say about that.

Red rover, red rover, send the sleepy sheep over

I have had problems sleeping this week. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still stuck on PST time or if there is other factors at play here. The funny thing is that when I was in California, I would be tired around 10:00 because it was midnight in Houston. I was usually in bed by 11:00pm and asleep.

Now that I'm back, I still can't go to sleep. Last night I was up until 3:00am and I have a feeling tonight is one of those nights. Weird indeed. I'm sure typing on a computer is not helping.

Let it be

And all the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.

- Beatles

It may seem cheesy, but pure genius here

Bo Fo Sho - Watch more free videos

I want to be a Pa, Pa, PANTS man

Am I the one?

I just viewed a Youtube video where this girl asks if "You're anyones favorite person?" I sat back and had to really think about this. I wouldn't think I am someone's "favorite" person. There is a lot of responsibility with that question. If you had to pick one person in the whole world to name as a favorite person, could you do it?

She did not think she was anyone's favorite person in the video. I would agree with those sentiments. I can not think of one person that I would be their "favorite" person.

And before you go on this self esteem rant, it's not about self esteem. I actually have a whole lot of self esteem right now. At least I think I do. It's just the fact that I don't think I have that much in me to be a favorite person to someone.

I don't know. A question like that can really humble a person.

Where are we going to go from here

I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

- Mat Kearney

Home sweet home

So I'm back now and tired as hell. I feel as though the whole day was spent travelling. I am so glad I took this trip. It was very much needed and I think I came back as a different person.

I found a way to replenish my mind, body, and spirit. I know it sounds all hippyish, but it is so true. Especially the spirit part. I was a broken man before my trip. I'm still pretty cracked (spiritually), but I feel 1000% better now. It's like I left behind a certain aspect of my persona in San Francisco and feel a weight lifted from my shoulders.

I don't expect many people to understand what I'm talking about. That's why when I first express those thoughts and I receive blank looks back, I just answer "It was great". I don't think people really expect to get a heart felt emotional answer to a question of "How was the trip?"

Anyway, I'm exhausted but may try to post some pictures later. Yeah right, I said that about the last three trips I went on in the past few years. I still need to work on the whole Flickr account thing.

Fan confliction

So I'm sitting here watching a Giants game and feel guilty for cheering them on. I shouldn't feel guilty becausethey are not our rival, but it feels weird cheering for a non-Astro team. Other than that, I'm having a great time. Only paying a scalper $10 for the ticket and sneaking into better seats also helps (or so I hear).

Oh shiny

How do you know you're in a rich part of town? The siewalks sparkle. That's right, they SPARKLE. I don't know exactly what they mix with the concrete, but it's almost like walking on granite with diamonds mixed in. I have to watch myself because I was almost run over looking at the damn sidewalk and not paying attention to the cars. Shiny things have always distracted me.

Like a lone sheep around a pack of wolves

I have never seen a city so clickish as San Francisco. It is like High School, but only worse. I know that I don't fit in around my hotel. That area is way too trendy for me. With their tight jeans, big cowboy boots, and small foo foo dogs. I stand out like a big wart. I like to walk around and just make faces at them. That us exactly the reason I didn't join the Greek system. I know there has to be casual people out here, I just haven't found them yet. Oh well, I'm off to continue searching.

like a life puzzle

Isn't life funny? I went on a soul searching trip earlier this year and discovered nothing. I go on a random vacation and somehow find a big part of myself. I didn't really like what I found, but I accepted it. At least I know more about myself now and where to go from here. Life has a way of sorting itself out when you leave it alone.

random thought

Life can always be explained with some sort of Beattles song.

Red, red, wine

Have you ever had one of those days that was just emotionally exhausting? I'm nothing but an empty shell right now. I'm half tempted to open a bottle of wine and fill my soul with precious red wine.

It's a bird, it's a plane...

Is that a banana in space or are you just happy to see me?

Mark your calendars

A day of remembrance

Today is a very special day and I wasn't sure what I wanted to post. I wanted it to be perfect because it would feel wrong to post something random today. I realized the best way to make this post perfect is to be honest about my feelings.

I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions this year. Looking back, everything I have gone through emotionally is insignificant compared to the feelings associated with this date. I remember my feelings six years ago like it happened this morning. I remember the fear, the anxiousness, and then the sadness.

I also remember the pride I felt that day. As a country we huddled together to get through the tragedy. We grew stronger because of those feelings.

These words I put down in writing do not give my emotions justice. It would be impossible to express the mixture of feelings I feel today. I feel sadness, anger, pride, and love. Yes, love. I realize how much I am loved and how much I love those around me.

Anyone could have been on one of those planes that day or in those buildings. It is important to not take those you love for granted. They could be gone in an instant for any number of reasons. For that very reason, I recommend you tell someone you love how you appreciate them.

That's it. I can not get any more honest than this.

Dust in the Wind

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

- Kansas

Fantasy is better than reality to some people

This is why the Internet is so fucked up.

Christmas is here, bringing good cheer

What better way to start the day than with a cup of Embarrassment.

I just finished walking my stupid dog for 30 minutes. Mind you, thirty minutes ago, it was dark outside. (I feel there should be a semi-colon somewhere in there instead of two commas). Anyway, back to the story. So I work a twelve hour shift yesterday and eat some food around 9:30 last night. I was so tired, I crashed around 10:00 last night. Out like a log. I wake up at 6:30 this morning. Very, very unusual for me. So I'm up but still groggy and have this stupid idea to walk my dog at that time.

I figure, "Who the hell will see me at 6:30 in the morning? Besides, it's dark outside so it doesn't really matter much." Um, yeah. No one told me day break starts around that time. I normally don't wake up until after 7:00, so the daylight has already arrived when I wake up.

So what do I wear? Oh, I throw on these frumpy old shorts that are two sizes too large and this tight ass t-shirt that is two sizes too small. Can you mentally picture the awkward looking wardrobe I'm describing? I looked like some kind of freak human bell. My shorts were swaying all over the place and I kept pulling at my shirt because man boobs just aren't made to be contained.

I thought it would be a quick one minute walk and back inside. Do your business dog and let's go. Nope, fate had a different idea for me this morning. So we are walking in the darkness and she refuses to go back inside. I pull at her and she pulls back. This is a sign from her she still has to go some more. So we walk. And we walk. And walk somemore.

Next thing I know we are at the other end of the block and here comes daylight. Fucking neighbors everywhere are morning people. So I'm ringing my bells shorts all over the street while saying hi to all these people. All the while, it looks like I could pull an Incredible Hulk with my shirt at any minute.

So, what's the lesson for the day kiddies? Always look somewhat presentable when going out in public. You never know what may happen. Either that or just accept the situation and rock those bell shorts like the Carol of the Bells.

Back to school (for one night)

You know what's a scary realization? When you attend your daughter's "Meet the Teacher Night" and you're older than most of her teachers.

Yeah hear me up there? I thought we had an agreement. I was not supposed to get any older.

They have us start out in our child's first period class and scramble to each class like they do with 5 minutes between each class. It's a cool thing to experience what our child has to go through on a daily basis. Definitely brought back memories of when I had to do it at her age.

The highlight of the night? I can't decide if it's my daughter's science teacher that winked at me before class started. Gotta do what I can to help out my daughter... know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. (Nudge, Nudge) Yeah, you know.

Or... the Clay Aiken doppleganger that is assisting my daughter's choir class. Straight out of college. That's probably the only thing straight about him. Did I just say that out loud???

Oh, no. Wait. I know the best part of the night. It was this father that had horrific BO and was in a lot of my daughter's classes with me. I would go to a different class and then I would smell this smell. It freaked me out, because for the first three classes I thought it was me. I was afraid to raise my arms because the smell was awful.

Then in one of the later classes I couldn't smell it anymore. Fuck. I must have gotten used to the smell by now and was still funking up the classroom. Then BAM! The smell smacked me in the face again. That's when I noticed the pattern. The guy kept sitting close to me in all of the classes. I know people probably thought it was me because it was wafting from my general direction. I wanted to nod over in the guy's direction so other people could realize it was him and not me.

Yeah, that's a bad thought. Going to lose some Karma points for that thought. Anyway, all in all it was a good night. I better enjoy this year becuase next year she starts High school. Damn, I getting fucking old.

I've found my true love and her name is Apple

I was wondering if they were going to do something along these lines.

How can you not love this company?

Mothafu...

Ain't being an early adopter a bitch?

Apple just announced today that they dropped the price of the iPhone by $200. Yes, that's right. TWO HUNDRED DOLLAASSS.

Oh well, I knew it was bound to happen. I just didn't expect it to happen after two months. I thought I had a good six months before the price drop. On a positive note, that means there will be more iPhones out there in the world. Which means more iPhone development in the very near future.

They already released the ability to purchase songs wirelessly today. I can sit on the beach and purchase a new song that pops into my head. Then it will sync back up with my computer when I connect it to iTunes. About time Apple.

My only other complaint. Wireless synching of my .Mac information (calendar, contacts, etc.). It's coming soon. I can feel it in my bones.

I left my heart in...

Two weeks and counting. I leave for San Francisco in two weeks. I have so many sights to see and don't think I'll have enough time there. I still have so much to do before I leave.

Request time off - check
Dog Boarding Reservation - check
Plane ticket - check
Pack - kinda check (made my list)
Hotel - Nope, no check here

I'm taking a gamble on the hotel thing. I keep getting these e-mails from Marriott Hotels with these last minute deals for the weekend. San Francisco has been on every one the past three weeks. The catch... you can only book the room for that week coming up. I'm not going to book my room until the very last minute to see if I can get a better rate.

If that doesn't work, I'm packing light and sleeping on the streets. Well, that really isn't much of an option now is it? I'll figure it out.

I'm also jazzed because I bought the new Moleskine City Notebook. A Moleskine notebook combined with San Francisco information. I love those notebooks.

Only 336 hours to go.

Where We Gonna Go From Here

I've waited and I'll wait some more
Won't see me knocking on another door
But all this is crazy and amazing
There's only one half of us that I'm saving
So I'm praying just to let it go
Watch from a distance just to see you glow
Seven hundred places seven hundred faces more

- Mat Kearney

How to annoy me @ a bookstore

1) Act like the bookstore is a daycare.
- Have your very small child run around screaming from aisle to aisle.
- Encourage the screaming by chasing your child while taunting, "I'm gonna get 'cha. I'm gonna get 'cha!"

2) Smack the upstairs railing with a cane to get the woman's attention on the floor below.
- She didn't hear you the first four times, so why do you continue?
- What is your thought process? "Oh she didn't hear me, let me keep hitting the railing and calling her name."

On a positive note, I did find Lamb's book and only paid six bucks for it. Bless the Half-price Bookstore and their Labor Day sale.

Wise words

"The hardest part is not choosing, it's living with the choice we make."

You know you have no life when...

You know it's just a job right? The freakin Starbucks employees are a little too serious when it comes to coffee. Okay, a whole lotta serious.

They will always have the regular coffee addicted customers. No fat soy, whipped, extra-room, extra-hot latte... blah, blah, blah. But they also get the regular joe people that go to there for some reason just to get some coffee. They are stressed because of the long line and don't know what the hell to order.

They ALWAYS order the same thing. Everytime. "I just want some coffee. A medium coffee." I have been going to Starbucks far too long and I know what he wants. Everyone in the shop knows what he wants, everyone except you Starbucks lady. No, you had to embarrass him.

"Sir, I do not know what you want. I am confused." She actually said SHE was confused. How fucking hard is it to understand a MEDIUM COFFEE. Not a latte, not a capucino, not an expresso. Just regular old brewed coffee. Fuck the Italian sizes. You know a medium is a grande. He did not know.

I don't want to stereotype all of the Starbucks employees. I have had some really low key cool people serve me, but I have also had my share of these experiences from these pompous assholes as well. You're a damn COFFEE MAKER, I don't care if your title is "Barista".

I apologize for the rant, but I had been holding that in since 8:25 this morning. I just had to let it out.

Randomness

Have you ever blinked and the day is gone? That's how my life feels right now. It's in super-fast forward and I am not in control of the day. I can't wait until my vacation in a few weeks.

I'm trying something I have not done in a very long time. I'm not taking my laptop with me on vacation. Yep, no laptop. Of course, I'll have my phone. I'm not that stupid. No other electronic device except for a digital camera. Will my mind be able to handle being away from electronics cold turkey like that? I'm going to find out.

I'm also taking a book to finish while I'm away. I have no idea of which book. If you only had one book to read while stranded on a deserted island, what book would it be? I'm not sure if I should go with a classic or something modern.

How to sneak a dog onto a bus

1) Find small scruffy puppy
2) Find large zippered bag
3) Place puppy in bag
4) Zip bag and leave an big airhole for the puppy
5) Slowly pick up bag, place it on your shoulder and wait at the bustop

I actually witnessed this whole process while waiting at a red light today after work. Obviously, they have both gone through this process many a time. At first I thought the dog was fake because it just stood there very still while the man setup the bag. Then the man gently picked up the puppy and stood him in the bag. Not once did the dog move the whole time. Then as the man was zipping the bag, the puppy moved his head.

I don't want to give the impression that this man was abusing the puppy. I would say the exact opposite to tell you the truth. He was so gently with the puppy and the dog was very good about the whole situation. I guess this is how the travel around town. It actually made me chuckle at the light and brightened my evening.

Live each day like it's your last

How to be the perfect girlfriend

Lunch meeting conversation

Worker Dude: Is that the new iPhone?
Me: Yeah.
WD: Does it really do all that stuff?
Me: Yeah.
Worker Chick1: Does it play videos?
Me: Yeah.
WD: I want to see it flick?
Me: It only does that with certain things like photos. See.
Worker Chick2: Flick it the other way.
WC1: Now flick it back that way.
WD: Can you zoom in?
Me: Yeah. See. You can spread the ....
(Awkward silence for a second)
Me: Pictures... you can spread the picture around and shrink it back down.
(Everyone just staring at me)
WD: Oh.


I really , really need to remember a better phrase to explain the picture resizing.

Road Least Traveled

What's death and my situation have in common? It's a jouney that only I alone can take in the end. I have no idea of what I'm doing and I know it may not turn out exactly as I thought it would. But the final destination is not what is important to me, it's the journey that I need to go through to help me learn about myself.

I am looking for something. I don't know what it is and I may never find whatever "it" is. I just know that I have been feeling this searching feeling for far too long. I know I can not trust my instincts right now. The secret is that I KNOW I can not trust them. That is the important part. I know exactly what I'm doing (good / bad), but I don't know WHY I do the things I do.

I'm not expecting anything from anyone. All I have ever asked is to be accepted for who I am as an individual. This post has nothing to do with anyone other than myself. I have had a very rough evening and want to reflect on my actions and the consequences of those actions.

I can truly say that I have a wonderful set of friends that have helped me more than I could ever explain in words. I appreciate everything they have done for me. I hope they know deep down inside how special they are to me.

I must make this journey alone. I will survive this tribulation. I always seem to find a way to get through those moments in the past. This one is no different. The actors are the same, but the play is different.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Road Less Traveled - Robert Frost

How to not lose a pound a day

Alright, new rule change on my social experiment. It will no longer be an actual pound a day, but average a pound a day after 25 days. I have a feeling I'm not going to get anywhere close to that because of my lack of will power.

How did I blow it within the first 24 hours? I think in order for this to work, I am going to have to avoid all social situations in the next 24 days. I went to a friend's house last night to watch some football and the UFC match. I arrived around 7:00pm and started drinking. Next thing I know it's 4:30am when I got home and there was a whole HELL of a lot of drinking in between. All those empty calories just being absorbed into my body all night long. Sing it Lionel.

I know myself all too well. I can not avoid social situations for three weeks. And the alcohol "tastes so good when it hits your lips". I have not given up on my experiment, but this is why I am not a scientist. I adjust my experiment to fit within my expected results. So somewhere along the way I have to lose two pounds on average in a single day plus whatever weight I gained from my deadly sins outing last night.

That would make a hellacool party. Seven deadly sins get together. I got dibbs on Gluttony.

Super unsize me

I have decided to try a new social experiment on myself. It's the opposite of Super Size Me. I will try to lose 25 pounds in 25 days. I do not want to average that weight loss, but actually lose one pound a day.

I am told by several people that this is impossible. I want to find out myself. I will not use anything artificial in this experiment. I will just limit my calorie intake and increase my calorie burn. I have an exercise plan all planned out already. I have already been on South Beach Phase I for the past few weeks.

This is not some crash diet to lose weight. I have read articles before that mention actors losing or gaining weight for a certain part in a movie. There have been several actors that have dramatically lost this much weight in the same amount of time. I want to know if an average person could obtain the same result. I do not have the same money these actors have nor the same resources (trainers, chiefs, etc). I think I can do it, but I know it will be tough.

In all honesty, I will just be suprised if I can last more than a week before giving up. Twenty-five days. That's a little more than three weeks. That's nothing.

Frozen in time

It's one of those days / nights again. I'm trapped between both worlds (world of day and the world of night). I do not know if I should try to stick it out and stay up through the night or go to bed now and get SOME sleep.

What else can I do in this scenario??? Toin Coss.. Coin Toss. Best two out of three to be fair. Heads sleep now, tails stay awake.

Toss One: Tails
Toss Two: Heads (such drama and excitement)
Toss Three: Heads

No rambling tonight folks, I'm off to bed.

Wham!

Sometimes I feel like Dobie from Harry Potter and want to just smack myself in the head for the stupid things I do.

Dirty joke of the day

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Heading come true

"She's the bee's knees!"

Do bees really have knees? Where does this expression come from? I know what it means, but who the hell thought up this expression? So many questions, so few answers.

I know I could probably query the Google god, but I just wanted to throw that out there and not think about it again. Why not, "She's the tiger's teeth!" or "She's the llama's lips!". After all, bees are not very friendly, loveable, or sexy.

99 Luftballons

99 Jahre Krieg
Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger
Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr
Und auch keine Duesenflieger
Heute zieh ich meine Runden
Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen
Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden
Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen

- Nena

How's My Blogging

I most definitely need one of these stickers.

Sadness half a world away

I have seen many terrible things on the Internet. What I witnessed today really hit me hard. I read International news stories all the time because this is history we are witnessing. I have read plenty of stories from the Middle East that report of the stoning that still occurs to this day for religious crimes.

I read this story today that reported a teenage girl was stoned to death for falling in love with a man who was a different religon than her religion. She ran off and seeked sanctuary in a mosque because she feared for her life. He parents told her she was forgiven by the community and she could come back home. As she came back to the town, there were over 1,000 men waiting for her to arrive and abducted her. She then had her clothing stripped and was stoned to death. In front of police officers that did absolutely nothing. Her only crime was that she loved someone different.

I have read these type of stories on many occassion. Far too many. Today was different because there were people there that caught all of this on camera phones and posted the videos on the Internet. I witnessed the videos and have to say that it will forever change how I view these stories. To hear the poor girl scream in pain and the chaos of the crowd is something that can not be described in words.

I'm not sure if it's because I have a daughter or just the humanity in me, but I was physically shocked when I watched the videos. I just sat at my computer for a few minutes and had to regain my composure.

My feelings are very much torn regarding this situation. Obviously, I do not think this girl should have been killed. At the same time, I am a believer of not interferring in other people's rights concerning their religion and social views. The Middle East is something very new to us as Americans. We can easily go in and do our usual thing (call them savages and Americanize them), but this is the reason we have terrorist attacking us right now.

I honestly think today is one of those life changing type of days. It made me look into myself and learn a little bit more about myself. No jokes today. Only honest feelings and introspection.

Nothing new really

I just realized a pattern that my entries lately have been late in the evening. I wonder why I am unconciously choosing this timeframe? Is that even a word, unconciously?

I have all kinds of things that I want to write about throughout the day, but I forget to log in and put them down. Then at the end of the day I don't remember any of what I wanted to write about for that day.

I really wish I could journal better.

The blackhole in my head

Can you create a post of nothing? What if your brain is fried and there is nothing to write, but you have this strong desire to put something down in writing. I hate when I get into these moods.

Man of Mystery

Why Racer-X? This question was posed to me today concerning my picture for this blog. I thought long and hard when I first created this site about my persona and how this site may affect my real life. I wanted it to be personal, but at the same time I was afraid of who might run into this site. I have a whole lot of personal feelings vested in this site and they could come back to haunt me some day.

When I started viewmymind, I didn't think anyone I knew would actually find it. I was sloppy and some friends did find it. Once the cat was out of the bag, I did not try to hide it from them anymore. I am still worried about how some people at work may react if they knew my site belonged to me. I have broken the dooce rule too many times and would not want it to jeopardize my job.

I have also kept it from my last relationship early in the relationship. I told her about it eventually, but I truly do not know how it influenced my posts after I knew she was reading the site. I don't think it affected them too much. If I had to make that decision again, I would make the same decision.

I have always added posts every now and then to my daughter for her to read in the future. I figured she may eventually run into the site or I would tell her about it when she is older. This feels awkward becuase it's like reading my personal journal for her. I remember when I was a kid, I found a bunch of handwritten love letters my parents wrote to each other when they were younger. I read them all and it affected how I viewed them as adults. A lot of that information was confusing to me so I questioned them about the letters after I read them. I remember how furious my mother was at me for reading the letters. I can understand her need for privacy, but in all fairness the letters were in my room (old dresser she left in my room that I used). I do not ever want my daughter to feel that way towards any of my writings. I want to be open and honest with her. I try to be open and honest with everyone I meet.

Back to that original question, why Racer-X? Because he was the man of mystery. He was someone that was close to those around him, but no one quite knew who he was or why he was there. In some ways, this is the same for me. I tried to be anonymous to those around me. Hell, I even tried to be anonymous to myself at times. I am still trying to figure out who I really am deep down inside.

I leave enough clues every now and then for those who may stumble upon this site to think it might be me. I knew for a fact there are a few people who know exactly who I am, but there are several others who have no clue. That is why there are no personal pictures of me in any of my postings. I would like to keep it this way until I feel comfortable that my personal space is not threatened (including my job).

I suppose I could have choosen several other individuals instead of Racer-X, but he just seemed like the coolest person I could think of at the time. Speed Racer had the cool car with all the gadets, but Racer-X was impressive even though he didn't have all the trinkets. Deep down inside I want to be that naturally impressive in all aspects of my life.

Letting go

Isn't it interesting how time soften memories (good and bad)? Tropical storm Erin reminded me of Katrina two years ago. There was such devistation and Hurricane Rita was right after Katrina. I remember scrambling around looking for supplies at the last minute and giving up. It was like the world was ending and everyone was scrambling around trying to gather whatever they could. It feels as though that was several years ago.

Why is it that some memories are easily pushed back into the dark recesses of our mind, but other memories are hard as hell to let go of? At times like this, I can't help but think of Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind. To have the ability to wipe away certain memories sounds appealing.

Of course, these very same memories make me the person I am today. Without those memories, would I still be the same person? Doubtful. The pain helped me learn who I was as a person. I grew from those memories. Like them or not, they are a part of me.

A little bit too real

Must stop popping...

The Gambler

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

- Kenny Rogers

Wash, rinse, repeat

I usually follow the dooce rule, but sometimes you just have to talk about work. Actually, I'm going to break a few rules with this one post. Let's see... there is the no talking about work rule, there is the no talking about the bathroom rule, and then there is the absolutely no talking about the bathroom at work rule. But the strangest thing happened the other day and I just had to share it with the world.

I think I've mentioned in my past postings about the guy that refuses to wash his hands after using the restroom. Nada, not even a fake kind of wash. Would it kill you to just run some water and slap your hands under it for a couple of seconds? I'm talking about all kinds of gross here. Did I mention he doesn't flush anything in that very same restroom? I'm just gagging thinking about it. Yep, there's a slight vomit taste in my mouth now.

Okay, going off tangent here. Let's get back on track. You see, I am codependent. Therefore, I have this extremely strong desire to change him to better his behaviour (feeling British today) around me. So, my natural instincts are to make him flush and wash his hands. I just can't help myself. I want him to be a better person. I know, I know... I should'nt be judging him and definitely should not be trying to change anyone other than myself. But damn it, that's really really gross. I've been trying for years to get him to change. I just could never get it to happen. I've shown by example. I've stared at him as he walks out the door. Nothing.

I finally realized that he would not change so I changed my behaviour (Brit dan again). That is why I use no less than three paper towels when opening the door to the bathroom upon exiting. I have taken on a Monkish behaviour (aww, forget it).

Then one day it happened. Like a vision of the Virgin Mary on the mirror, a miracle happened in the bathroom last week. I was washing my hands and just ignored him as he walked out of a stall. I happen to glance up at him and he froze in his tracks. Not a partial freeze, but a deer in the headlights type of freeze. He turned around and went back to flush the toilet. WTF???

I just ignored him again and he started to walk off. I happen to look up again and then he froze again. Strange. He turned around and walked to the sink and washed his hands. Double WTF??? The parent in me wanted to pat his back and give him a treat. He's catching on to this whole potty training thing after all.

A co-worker noticed him follow the exact same pattern later in the week. I'll be damned. Maybe there is hope after all. I still don't take any chances though. It's too good to be true. So now I use four paper towels when opening the door, just in case.

A day in the life of a fan

I just love how my weekend has been going so far. I had it all planned out and life reminded me who's boss. It sure as hell ain't me. My venture for today? ( I love how you can make anything a question by adding a question mark) I was going to see an Astros game. Not just any Astros game, but the one where they are commemorating Biggio for getting 3000 hits. They were giving away Biggio figurine to the first 10,000 people and Biggio t-shirts to the first 40,000 people. The greed in me was too great. I HAD to have both.

My plan... I was going to get there two and a half hours before the game. Surely, no one would be there that early. Well, I did expect a few people but I was definitely going to be one of those first 10,000 in the door. I had a movie placed on my iPhone to entertain me while I spent the day waiting for the door to open. I put on some dark shorts because I figure I would be sitting on the sidewalk waiting for my wonderful tokens of appreciation waiting for me inside. I had my checklist heading out the door. Ticket... check, iPhone... check, wallet... check. I was good to go.

So I pull up to my super secret parking are and sure enough, I had really good parking for free on the street. This was my reward for such a crappy day yesterday. There was even this nice breeze all morning long. Much too nice. I should have known better.

I walk up to the stadium and all I can see are people everywhere. And when I say "everywhere", I mean fucking EVERYWHERE. There were three separate lines wrapped around the stadium. I picked what looked like the shortest line even though were were literally standing in the middle of the street with cars driving past us. That's when I noticed the two other lines were even longer and wrapping about a block back in the sun. Hhmmm.... why would they be standing in the sun and in the longer lines when this one is much shorter. Something doesn't add up.

Then I realized the pattern to the lines. The longest line was the one closest to the stadium with the doors right in front of me. They went about two blocks back. Then the second longest line next to us wrapped around the stadium. SHIT.

Sure enough, my line not only wrapped around the stadium, but went to the very end of the other street where there were people at the other creating their own line. So not only did my line wrap around the building, but it merged in with another line.

So yeah, you guessed it. I didn't get the commemorative 3000 hit figurine, but I did get a t-shirt. Hell, they had 40,000 of them. The attendence for today's game was 43,000 so I could have not had to wait in line and probably would have gotten a freakin t-shirt anyways.

And then the stupid people around me. "Who are we playing anyways?" "Milwalkee, don't they suck?" No, you dumb ass, they are leading the central division right now. "Oh, I'm just going to E-bay mine anyway." Damn tard posers all around me. They weren't even real fans. They just came to get the figurine to sell.

Oh well, next time my ass is going to be there at 6:00 am to be damn sure I get my precious commemorative treasure. At least I got to see a really good game. They won 6-4 by the way.

Perfect Day of Fishing (sort of)

It was such a gorgeous day today. The sun was out in full, not a cloud in the sky, birds chirping everywhere. What was I to do? Go fishing of course. How could I pass up such a perfect opportunity to become one with nature and relax while fishing?

I love fishing off this long ass pier out in the middle of the ocean. The longest pier in Galveston. I head out there and fight the crowds along the way. Obviously, everyone and their grandma decides to head to the beach today. I expected that and went on my journey with that mindset. The traffic didn't bother me. The rush for parking along the seawall didn't bother me. I was determined to get out there and fish.

I arrived this afternoon and lug all my belongings to the pier. I had a cooler filled with water. I had a folding chair to relax on and of course my pole and tackle box. I apply sunscreen to make sure I don't get burned. I was not going to let anything ruin this day. I like to take my iPod to listen to music while I'm fishing. There is nothing like listening to your favorite music while the sun warms you up and the cool breeze from the ocean cools you off.

It was just as perfect as I imagined it would be this morning. It was not that crowded on the pier because of the heat. I found a perfect spot that was secluded on the pier. I was doing my fishing thing. Today would be a R&B music day, so I was jaming to my tunes while relaxing on the ocean.

I then had a big bite on the line. I jumped up from my chair to start reeling in the fish. That's when the strangest feeling occurred to me. My music stopped playing. Ya hear me? My music STOPPED playing.

Panic sets in and I look down. Just as I look down, I see it. Definitely all in slow motion. My iPod shuffle was falling helplessly to the ocean and I could not do anything about it. I wanted to dive in, but knew better. PLOP. It hits the ocean and slowly starts to sink. I keep looking at it until I can't see it any more. I was exactly like the scene in Titanic. When Rose lets go of Jack and he slowly sinks beneath the ocean.

SHUFFLE... SHUFFLE... I kept wanting to scream but nothing came out. My first reaction was to sit on the pier and just cry. But strangely, tears did not come out. Only laughter. Loud laughter that caused those around me to stare. All I could do was laugh.

I had just taken the shuffle out of my pocket to turn up the volume on this song, and then I put it into my lap. I figured I would have to turn it back down on the next song. That was my mistake. The force of gravity was too much for the headphones to keep hold of the shuffle when I stood up in one swift motion.

I figured since I gave such a great sacrafice to Neptune, I would have caught a 100 lb shark today. Nope. What do I get in return for my great sacrafice? A one pound fish. That's it. That's all I caught today, was a stupid baby fish.

The water god was laughing at me today. He was constantly taking my bait and probably listening to some R&B tunes while he was at it on my iPod. But I got the last laugh. I still had the head phones attached to my ears. He may have gotten my iPod, but at least he can't listen to anything on it.

How to waste a couple of hours

Let's see what's out there

This site randomly pulls pictures from the Internet. To see a new picture, simply refresh the screen. I warn you, this may not be safe for work, home, church, school, yada yada yada.

It is kinda addictive though. Of course, it could just be the voyeur in me.

November 2008 can not come fast enough

I don't see how they don't all come back messed up in the head.

How addictive are sleeping pills?

Um.. yeah. I should be asleep right now, but I'm not. Why, you might ask? (Should that end with a question mark or a period?) Because I have spent the last hour playing with my damn phone. It is a gift from Satan himself. It is a beautiful device that is going to be the death of me.

I was working until about 1:00 AM anyway, then I got distracted with my e-mail settings on my phone. And um yeah... here I am in this situation now. On a side note, I just bought Jason Mraz's last live album (Selections for Friends). Really, really good album. There is something mesmerizing about his voice. You know who can write a killer blog, well besides me of course, Jason Mraz. If you've never checked out his writing, I highly recommend you stop by sometime. His thought process and ability to capture it in words really puts my method to shame. While I am chaotic and random on my postings, his posts seem to really flow well and have a sense of purpose.

Well, what should I say now? If we were talking in person, this would be one of those times where there is this awkward silence and we both know someone should say something, but we don't. We just stand there in silence.

Did you know that tonight (well I guess technically last night) was National night out? You're supposed to go outside and meet your neighbors. They have never ever done anything like that on my street (well at least not the past 3 years that I've lived here). Did you know that they tore down all of the buildings across the street from my place? That equals about eleven two-story homes. They are going to build a four story student housing complex for Rice University. Oh joy, what will I have for a view from my place? Damn student housing. Four freaking stories. That's a whole lot of concrete across from me.

Let's see, what else is on my mind right now. Barry Bonds broke the Home Run record (756*) last night. Yeah, I've never seen so much controversy concerning one little character in my life.

Did I mention that I should be sleeping right now, but I somehow found a second wind of energy. This is really going to screw me over during the day later on.

"Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control
And inevitably wind up
Finding for yourself
All the strengths you have inside still rising"

When I get into these moods, I seem to listen to the same song over and over again. I throw on a pair of headphones, turn up the volume and just hit repeat. Tonight's song... Song for a Friend by Jason Mraz.

Another song that I can't get out of my head, Chocolate Rain. Spend the five minutes listening to the song. You will definitely have it stuck in your head for a while. What a name for a song. I know it sounds stupid; but everytime I think about the name of the song, it reminds me of Chef on South Park (Chocolate Salty Balls). I wish Isaac hadn't feaked out like that. I really miss the Chef character on South Park. "Ooh girl, I want to make love to you."

What ever happend to Terence Trent D'arby? Seriously, Wishing Well. What a great song. It's like aliens came and abducted him. He just disappeared. Sign Your Name... another great song.

Do you know that kids graduating from High School this year may not have even lived in the 80's? What the hell is up with that? I feel so old at times. These same damn kids can not even imagine a world with no Internet. Hell, Mosaic (precursor to Netscape) was invented in 1994. They would have been four at the time. I remember in high school taking typing classes. On actual typewriters. Kids nowadays have no idea how easy it is for them.

Okay, I have to get some sleep. My gut instinct is to just stay up and not even try to sleep. I know better. Everytime I try that, I end up falling asleep around 6:00AM and really screwing up my day. Four and a half hours of sleep should be plenty. Do they sell coffee in 64 oz cups?

Random ramblings

Past (adjective) = gone by in time and no longer existing.

Why is the past so hard to let go? Just when you think you have gotten over something, it slaps you right in your face when you least expect it.

Skeleton (noun) = things locked away in Daniel's closet.

You know, I had the opportunity to lose my virginity in the 7th grade. I passed on the opportunity because the girl was very easy and it freaked me out. Seventh grade... My daughter just finished the seventh grade. That thought alone scares the shit out of me.

I had a friend that got pregnant in the 9th grade. I remember her in my classes through her whole pregnancy. She was gone for a month when she had the baby, but then she returned to school. 9th grade... my daughter will be in the 9th grade next year.

Did I just hang around a bunch of freaky people or is this the norm? I pray that my school was just filled with freaks, but I think I might be in spending too much time in Egypt.

Another Lonely Day

Yes indeed, I'm alone again.
And here comes emptiness crashing in.
It's either love or hate,
I can't find in between,
'cause I've been with witches and I've been with a queen.

- Ben Harper

Greatness is my white whale

I wonder if I'm a great father. I know I'm a good dad, but am I a great dad? I've spent a lot of time thinking about this question this past weekend. It's really not that hard being a good dad. I just need to make sure all of my daughter's basic needs are provided for her. But to be a great dad, it takes a whole lot more work. I have to try and communicate with her even if she is at that age where she is not so vocal. Life was wonderful when she was a little girl. She would talk non stop when she was little. Now, not so much. I try to relate and talk about my life and my feelings. I want her to understand that I am human just like her. I want her to know that she can talk to me about anything. She says she understands, but does she "really" understand? I just don't know.

Being a parent is a wonderful thing. People without children just don't know what it's like to be so proud of your child. To see her smiling and laughing brings joy to my heart. All of the sacrifices that I have made by being a dad at such a young age are well worth it.

I hope she looks back on her life when she is older and remembers the special moments we've had together. Kubos, camping, and softball are special just between us.

What brings all of this up? Well, I know my dad did his best raising me and Lord knows that I did not make it easy on him. I just think there is so much I missed out in life because he didn't communicate with me when I was younger. My parents followed that old school philosophy of silent love. I knew they loved me, but it was never spoken. My parents never taught me about sex or relationships. I guess all of the "bad" things they caught me with in my childhood made them realize just how much I already knew about sex so they figured there as no need to discuss it with me.

My parents were also high school sweethearts and married right out of high school. That can mess a person up mentally when you think that is what you are supposed to do to have a successful relationship. I'm still fighting those demons on a daily basis. I want my daughter to know that there are all kinds of relationships out there in the world. She may not meet mister "right" and live happily ever after. I want her to realize that relationships are hard work. At the same time, I don't want to scare the living bejesus out of her.

I know I'm over-analyzing everything as I usually do. I know I'm a great dad, but the little voice in my head creates the doubt as usual. I will just continue to do what I do and hope for the best.

If I'm on South Beach in Houston, is it really the Gulf Beach diet?

So... I started the South Beach diet again this past Monday. Phase I and I'm still going strong. Well, for the most part. I really shouldn't be drinking alcohol, but you know me. Psss... not drink alcohol. Puleeze.

As I look back on the past few days I have to wonder. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? It's not the junk food that is getting to me. It's not the lack of carbs. Nope. It's the damn caffeine. My caffeine intake has been reduced to about one cup of coffee a day. Do you hear me? ONE CUP!

Let's see how I'm handling the effects of this caffeine reduction. My head pounds like hell daily. Even the Excedrin is not working at times. I get the shakes at times. Oh yeah, and when the sweet brew of java touches my lips in the morning, I feel like I've died and found Valhalla.

I have been so swamped with the work the past month. It's not even close to funny. We have had several, several late nights at work lately. Not your there till midnight type of nights, but your there till 4:30 in the morning type of nights. Then back at work the next day at times. I'm ready for a day of escape. Camping, fishing, anything that doesn't involve work and gets me outdoors.

A horse is a horse, of course of course

Seriously, what the hell can you be thinking to do this???

Godfather gone terribly wrong

No touchie touchie

Guess what I have....

Hee hee

Camping

My daughter and I went camping this past weekend. It was a good trip. We saw some alligators, take a walk along a nature trail, and roasted marshmallows. Of all the things we did this weekend, this was one of the items that fascinated me the most. Just how much poop is stored in that tank and how often to they empty that thing? Who the hell would take that job?

"You see that 500 pound tank of shit over there? That's what you gotta empty by the end of the day."

I was afraid to get close to the thing. I could only imagine what the smell would be like when using it. Of all the things this weekend, THIS is what caught my attention. How messed up am I?

Amazon's freakiest book

Pondering the purchase

Maybe we should practice what we write?

I was scanning through Amazon looking through the books, when I came across this entry.

"I intended to read only a brief section (one concept) at a time--each takes no mote than fifteen minutes-- but couldn't keep away for long, and finished the book in a day."

Peggy Smith
author, Mark My Words: Instruction and Practice in Proofreading

Could this be real? The instantly paranoid and cynic in me thought that they may be planting comments in their products. Then again, it could just be one of those ironic situations in life. Either way, it brightened my day.

I just had to share this one

Reality

All I can say is, WOW!

Take it to the mattresses

(EDIT: So many people seem to be looking for this quote. I've created a new entry that explains this quote. If this is what you are looking for Click Here.)

I had this Godfather fascination lately and bought the complete DVD set. I haven't seen the movies in so long, it was like watching them for the first time. "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."

Sometimes I feel as if I'm Michael. He was so innocent in the beginning of the movie, but then changes toward the end of the movie. Part of me feels cold and calculating at times. Not really caring for those around me. Well I do care, but sometimes you lose people around you during a war.

Which war am I talking about? The war on my individuality. I have lost myself along the way somehow and I am trying to find a way to determine who I am. A deep fear of mine is that I may lose those around me because I am a different person in the end of this discovery. I like who I was, but I was never happy. I don't mean smile while walking down the street happy. I mean deep down inside, blue bird singing, perfect day happy. I know it may not be possible to feel this way all the time, but I want to feel this way at least SOMEtimes. I am much too cynical for such a young person. It feels as if there is this 80 year old man trapped in my body.

Oh well, I'm sure that happiness will come eventually. It's one of those quit chasing it type of situations. I have way too much stress in my life right now to feel that kind of happiness.

I'm slowly learning what my dollar amount is to sell out. How about you?