Summer Fun

Today is the first day my daughter and I will spend with each other
for the next six weeks. I get her for six weeks during the summer and
I am so glad she is with me. She arrived last night and if the first
night is any indication of what the summer will hold, then I can't
wait to see the fun we will have for the next few weeks. She
definitely is a bright spot in my life and I am extremely thankful to
have such a wonderful daughter.

What's in store for today?
Joint haircuts and movie night.

We have so much to plan and so little time.

Closure (Part II)

Ok, it is very apparent that I lied about the closure part a couple
of days ago. Well, I actually thought that I was feeling some sense
of closure but I was completely wrong. I feel very much worse now
than I did last week since I talked to my ex. I have this gut
feeling (spidey sense) that she is dating other people. Of course, we
are no longer a couple so she is not doing anything wrong. Problem
is, it is still a very crappy feeling to know that your ex has moved
on and is seeing others. I can only focus on myself again and must
start the healing process all over again. I must be a sucker for
pain because I keep doing this to myself for some reason. I'm a big
believer in karma. I think this will come full circle some day.

My Future

I don't know why but I have all of these crazy thoughts running around in my head. The current thought is that I will spend the rest of my life single and unkept. I am going to turn into one of those crazy old men that talk to cats and scare the crap out of the local neighbor children. Kids will make bets to ring my doorbell and see how long they will stand at my doorstep before getting frightened and running off. The worst part, I am actually excited to be this crazy old man! Life seems so much simpler this way. No commitment, no fighting, no compromising, only me and my twelve cats. Come to think of it, this can't be my future. I hate cats!

Closure

What it is about the breakup of relationships that makes us feel the need for closure? I spoke to my ex today for the first time in over three weeks. She felt this need for closure and said that since I talked to her it broke that feeling of closure for her. The weird thing is that I actually feel a sense of closure after I talked to her. I understand that our life paths are heading in different directions and it makes me feel sad. But at the same time, I have this strange sense of calm and understanding. A part of me appreciates the calmness, but a part of me feels completely empty. The realization of the relationship being over may be more than my brain can comprehend at the moment. All I can do is appreciate the calmness right now and hope that it lasts for a while.

Tough Times

I was told by several people that the only way to get over my past
relationship is to move on with my life.
That includes not communicating with my ex-girlfriend.
For the past few weeks she has not called or written, so it was not
very hard to ignore her.

Today, she called my work for the first time since we stopped
communicating three weeks ago.
It is for some small problem she is having with her work, but it is
hard listening to her voice on my voicemail.
I can not call her because that would only make me feel worse
afterwards.
I have this knowledge, but I must admit it is still extremely hard
not to call her.

I have to trust those around me right now more than my own instincts.
I have to let go and trust that they are giving me the best advice
for my situation.

"And when we meet, which I'm sure we will.
All that was there, will be there still.
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue,
And you will think that I've moved on..."

Dido - White Flag

Day at the Movies

Yesterday, my daughter and I saw the final installment of the Star
Wars movies.
Episode III was exactly what I expected and more.
My daughter had a blast and I was totally surprised by her curiosity
of the character development.
She was more curious about the Darth Vader character and wants to see
the other three movies (Episode IV, V, an VI).
She wants to see how he interacts with his children and how they
discover that he is their father.
I thought she would be more impressed with the visual effects and
costumes.

Sometimes I think she is really an eighty year old woman trapped in
an eleven year old body.
She is too wise for her age.
It really makes me wonder about the concept of re-incarnation.
Maybe she was some wise old scholar in her previous life.

We spent the weekend watching Episode I and Episode II to prepare
ourselves for the latest movie.
I can only hope the memory of our "Star Wars" weekend will remain in
her thoughts twenty years from now.
These type of weekends are what life is all about.
Sharing those memories with the ones you love.

Use the force

I just finished watching Star Wars Episode I with my daughter. We are having a Star Wars marathon in preparation for our viewing of Episode III tomorrow. Isn't it funny how we make things around us fit within our current sense of reality.
For instance; I have seen Episode I way too many times to remember, but there was a line this time that hit me like a ton of bricks.

When Anikin is leaving to go train as a Jedi, he realizes that he is going alone and doesn't want to go.
He says, "I don't want things to change."
And his mother says, "But you can't stop the change, anymore than you can stop the sun from setting."
I always thought that mothers had the best ability to say just the right thing at the right time.

This is so true, and this is what I have been fighting the past few weeks.
I have been so resistant to change that I have been causing myself so much pain.
I have to learn the ability to accept the change and not fight my new situation.
I am single now and feel very alone.
It is up to me to make this situation any different.

Now, if only I could learn those Jedi mind tricks.

A Day of Baseball

I have two younger sisters, but most people do not realize that I have siblings.
They are twelve and sixteen years younger than me, so I have not been in their life as much as a brother should.
Today, I had the pleasure of taking them to an Astros baseball game.
I can honestly say that I had a great time and I think they did as well.
The only bad thing about the event was how lousy the Astros were today.
They had five errors and lost by five runs.
On the bright side, it was fun explaining the game of baseball to my sisters since this was their first game they have ever attended.
It's amazing the things that they found funny (the batting stances of the players and the pitcher checking the runner on first).
I am glad I was there to experience their first baseball game with them and plan on taking them to more in the future.

perfect thought

Today I was watching a movie and the guy said, "Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed."
That is a perfect saying.
I think that will be my motto for a while.

rock bottom

Do you think that when a person has hit rock bottom in their life they know that they are at the bottom?
Just when I thought my life was at a very low point emotionally, I realized it could get much worse.
Delusion is a hideous creature...

I don't know if it will get much worse than this, but I have come to the realization that there is always something worse that can happen.