The winged flying monster

Is it me or is time flying by at an alarming rate?

I'm not sure if it is just that time flies by faster as we get older or if our current society is producing effects of time passing by more rapidly. With the constant consumption of caffeinated and sugary goodness, I may be creating the effect of time speeding up. Or is it because I am older and not as quick as I used to be. It may take longer for me to do things now and then when I'm done I'm wondering where all my time went.

It seems like yesterday that I had my daughter for the summer. Now here I am again with her for the summer and I don't know where my last year went.

Excuse me... have you seen my last year? It couldn't have gone too far. It was just here a second ago.

I remember being a kid and the summer months seemed to go on forever. Even the individual days seemed to last for a long time. I would wake up, watch some TV, eat some food, and then go outside with my friends. I'd come back home around 9:00 and play some video games and then crash around midnight. Aahhh... Those were the days. I miss the era of real daytime television. Not the crap they have out there now. All the judge shows and talk shows. What the hell happened to "I Love Lucy", "The Munsters", "I Dream of Jennie", or "The Adams Family"?

And don't get me started on cartoons... What the hell happened to good cartoons. G.I. Joe, Thundercats, He-man, Transformers. They just don't make 'em like they used to.

Oh, I think I understand where all my time went.

My damn rambling takes up all my time.

Rain Rain go away

My cup of tea.

Where does that phrase come from? I wonder if it originated out of England. I suppose everyone would have their own cup of tea, hence the phrase.

Why is it that people have to go to the bars with other people? I was at a bar tonight and noticed that I was the only person by myself. And then I noticed people staring at me. I really didn't care. I went there to have a beer and do some work. I don't mind being by myself. Our society portrays people who do things by themself as loners or losers. I know better. It's nice to be by yourself at times.

Hell, I'm my own best friend. If I didn't enjoy my own company, then who else would enjoy my company? Did that even make sense?

I found out today that the rent on my place is going up next month. I love my place. The owner wants me to sign a year contract for $30 / month more. If not, then my rent goes up $80 / month. That sucks big time. I'm not sure what to do yet, but I have a whole 14 days to decide.

BASTARD!!!

I wanted to sign a two year lease when I moved into the place to be guaranteed a certain price, but he wouldn't let me. I then wanted to sign another year lease when it expired last October. Nope. Now he wants a year lease.

There is some good news. I get my daughter for the summer this weekend. They bad news; her summer program cost $150 / week. I have her for six weeks. Crap... They should rename the place, YMMHA (Young Men's Money Hungry Association). How much can you get for a kidney on E-bay?

When it rains, it pours. Money hungry bastards come in threes, so I'm just waiting for the third one. Fuck... Let's just do this so I can take out a loan already.

Horrible Friend

I'm such a horrible friend sometimes. Oh, the horrors...

I received a call about a month ago from a friend that I had not heard from in over four years. Out of blue. Just like that. And what do I do? Not call him back.

WHY???

I don't know. I keep making up excuses. I don't have his number in my phone whenever I remember or "It's kind of late, I'll call him tomorrow." Yeah right.

We didn't part on bad terms completely. I mean, yeah I felt used at times and resented it. But we have known each other since I was twelve years old. How could I not talk to someone who I've known for so long? Maybe I'm just scared.

I noticed that the number he left was not in our area code. I even went as far as to look up the area code. Florida...

I think something deep down inside of me wants to be completely alone in this world. I alienate the people closest to me all the time. Maybe it's a trust thing. Maybe I'm so selfish that I only trust myself.

I can be such a horrible person sometimes. Is it me, or am I heading toward some awful downward spiral of emotions lately?

The peace within

Sometimes you have to just stop and make peace with the demons inside. I think downtime is an absolute must or else they will tear you up from the inside. How much downtime is required? Will those demons ever go away?

Doubtful...

Some demons never go away. They can only be managed.

Trust

I am a complicated person. There is no doubt about it. I know everyone is complicated in some way, but I'm really really complicated in the most screwed up way.

I have a hard time trusting people. And then when I somewhat trust them, I can instantly not trust them again. I flip on a dime. Why is that? I know there is the whole "it stems from your family" crap. I mean, that's been analyzed to death. But perhaps there is more to it than that. Why can't I just give myself 100% to a person? Why do I feel guarded sometimes?

I was listening to the song "And then you kissed me" by The Cardigans. I know the lyrics aren't the exact situation of my relationships, but symbolically it has had the same effect on me.

oh, it hit me like never before
that love is a powerful force
yes, it struck me that love is sport
so i pushed you a little bit more

This is my life... I don't feel complete without some sort of emotional drama in my life. I feel very awkward without the drama in my life. I knew how to handle the drama. Lack of this energy has thrown me for a loop. Am I an idiot for these feelings or am I going through some kind of withdrawal from pain? I'm not sure.

Promiscuous Dog

I was sitting in the book store yesterday afternoon when I overheard the conversation between a little girl and her grandmother. The girl was around four or five years old.

Girl: "I'm exited about the dog."
Grandmother: "You are?"
Girl: "Yeah, but remember Vicky? She misses her dog."

The girl is looking very sad at this moment. She is on the verge of tears, but just like that she shifts her emotions.

Girl: "But was it a boy dog or a girl dog?"
GM: "I don't know."
Girl: "But who was the mother married to?"
Girl: "She had puppies, she had to be married."
GM: "She wasn't married."
Girl: "Why wasn't she married?"
GM: "Because she was a dog. Dogs don't get married."
Girl: "Oh, okay. Toodles then."

There was this silence for a few seconds. Then she starts to giggle.

Girl: "I don't know what toodles means."

Now this was too cute. She reminded me of my daughter at that age. She looked so similar to my daughter. It's amazing how being away from my daughter for over a week has affected me. I miss her.

I only hope that if Ashley decides to have children, I can enjoy moments like that with my grandchildren.

Funny thought

You know. I had this funny thought after that last post. I wonder what would happen if my mother ever found out about this site. She would be pissed for sure. Or disappointed.

I hope it's pissed because I hate that feeling she gives when she is disappointed. That is the constant strugle of my life. I was raised to be a certain way. If I did not agree with that way, I was guilted into going along with it anyway. Now that I'm on my own, it is still hard to let go of that guilt.

I still remember that day that I asked my parents why their pope was tripping and not allowing women priests. Of course their first words were, "What do you mean OUR pope?" Not a mention of how I just asked why he was tripping or about the women taking a more predominate role in the church. Nope, nada, zip. I know it seems like such a small thing for me to do, but it took a whole lot of courage to say something like that to my parents. I normally just shut up and don't say anything about religion around them.

I can not be kept quiet any longer. I'm a man that has things to say... And I'm going to say them damn it! Try to keep a brotha down and he'll find a way to rise up and grow stronger in the process. Don't make me get all philosophical on your ass.

Shit. Now I'm all worked up. I need to go get another Frappacino... What? It helps me unwind my nerves.

A little freaked out now

Okay. I'm asking you, wonderful Internet community... What does it mean when you sneeze and your body starts tingling?

I'm a whole lot freaked out now. It started happening last night and I just blew it off. But then it happened again today. Now, the hypochondriac in me is freaked out. I think I'll call the doctor tomorrow and make an appointment for next week.

It hurts like hell. It feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife all over my body. This can't be good. The worst part is now I'm trying to keep from sneezing. The fear of the pain alone is enough to drive you crazy.

Why is god so mad at me??? Why does he hate me so? Oh, that's right. I make jokes about him all the time. So how about we call it even Big JC and just stop playing around now?

Free Internet

Is the concept really that hard to imagine. After all, here I am in your coffee shop, drinking your coffee. Why the hell can't you give me free Internet. What the hell. I am so desperate for Internet access that I am paying $4 for two hours of Internet access. And like a madman, I'm watching the minutes.

What's worse than paying for Internet access? Having free crappy Internet access. That's more of a tease. It's like some woman invites you over to her place. Things are going well and she starts to take off her clothes. Then BAM! Her clothes are back on her. Then she starts undressing again. And DAMN IT, the clothes are back on her again. There's only so much a normal person can take.

Either the clothes come completely off and you give me access or keep the damn clothes on and let me be. Are we still talking about computers here???

Anywho... I'm sitting here typing as fast as I can because I only have 14 minutes left before my time runs out. Kinda feel like someone on death row. I guess that a horrible analogy. At least they get a free meal.

Did you know that cannibalism is legal in Germany? Eat Me
Since it is legal, do you think he will ask for the guys remains as his last meal?

Lord I'm such a turd sometimes. Most of the time in fact. No, no... sometimes. Yeah, sometimes.
Okay, gotta go now. T minus 10 minutes and couting.

Wasted Talents

I ate dinner at this crappy Chinese restaurant today. I went there actually thinking it was a Japanese restaurant and was craving sushi. But nope, it was Chinese. I felt cheated for sure. I ordered some spring rolls and some soup.

While I was eating, there was only one other couple there in the place. The waitress started singing out loud. In fact very loud. But you know what. She was good. She was very good. I guess she does this all the time when the place is dead.

I made me wonder if she ever tried to take advantage of her talent or she just did not care for it. Obviously she enjoys singing. Perhaps she is just working there until her singing career takes off. Maybe she has tried and has been turned away too many times. Who knows? The best part is the speculation. I could care less about the facts of her life.

This had me thinking about my life. Are there any talents that I have not really pursued. What if I have talents that I am not even aware I have? What if I had this wonderful singing voice but never really tried to sing on a serious level? Doubtful, but what if?

I've always been good with electronics and especially computers. I love to read and can comprehend information from a book with relative ease. Is this all that I have? Granted, it may be more than other people have, but wouldn't it be nice to know all of your talents up front. Then we could know if we should pursue some aspect in our life, or know that it will just be a waste of time. Kinda scary... this is leaning toward the whole DNA manipulation theory that is out there. Creating the perfect person. Manipulating the outcome of our children. Freakish stuff.

The lonely side of San Antonio

Here I am sitting at a desk in San Antonio... just me and my crappy Internet connection. I've tried to get to my site to post a thought and could not reach the site all night. It's karma for sure. I haven't posted anything meaningful in such a long time, that karma decided I did not need to reach the Internet tonight.

I had to go out and find some free wireless just to do some work tonight. God, I forgot how much I took instant access to the internet for granted. Life without the Internet really sucks. I am way too plugged in to be without it.

With so much time on my hands this week, I have been contemplating my life. Not so unusual for me. It's not the contemplating aspect that is different this time. It's some of aspects that I have been thinking about. I went out tonight and bought the book "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance". I have seen way too many references to this book lately and I have always wanted to read the book. On a sudden whim, I jumped into the car and went out in search of the book. I happen to stumble upon a Barnes and Noble store with a mission at hand. I was magically willed to the book. I was in and out in less than five minutes. Five minutes.... without knowing where the hell to find this book. Destiny I tell ya.

I am usually one to notice signs in my life and I have never really been sure of how to react to those signs. I wonder if sometimes I create signs in my head. Perhaps my subconscious is creating these "signs" and then I notice them. Lately, I have felt kind of lost in my life. I am over thirty and I still don't feel like an independent adult. Is this normal? At what age do I feel completely autonomous from my family and become this responsible adult. Now don't get me wrong. I haven't lived with my parents since I was 18. I have had a family of my own and take full responsibility of my daughter as a father. But after my divorce, I sometimes feel as if I was a failure as an adult. I tried to do the family thing myself and create my own life, but obviously it didn't work out. I know I shouldn't place this much burden on myself.

My family is one that places a lot of pressure on me regarding family matters. I am expected to attend all family functions regardless of my schedule. Why do I find it so hard to just say no. Damn you Nancy Regan! Why didn't I listen to you in the eighties.

Have you ever sat at a desk in front of a mirror and just stared at yourself? Not some small glance, but truly stared at yourself. It's kind of funny. I used to hate sitting there while starring at myself. I felt like the person in the mirror was judging me. I could feel it in the person's eyes. That's because I was judging myself. I am always judging myself. That can't be good. Now I can look in the mirror with no problem. In fact, I sometimes curse out the person in the mirror. "Fuck you". "Do I owe you money. Why the hell you looking at me like that?" Kinda strange, huh? Who am I kidding. That's fucking weird as shit. Who in their right mind would post this on the Internet? Not anyone that is sane.

I'm so sick of society some times. I'm sick of all the bullshit that we are fed through the media. I'm sick of my heritage telling me I should be a certain way. I'm sick of religion telling me to act a certain way.

I have stayed away from this site for far too long. I need to post on here more often. I think this is some sort of therapy for my warped mind. I have been so busy lately with work. And for what? I am so busy trying to make money that I never get to spend it. The happiest times in my life were when I was poor as dirt. Damn this addiction to technology...