Happiness

What defines happiness in a person's life?

Every time I think I know what it takes to make me happy, life
somehow throws me a curveball. I have no idea anymore and it is
really starting to scare me as an individual. Sometimes I wonder why
I follow certain actions that may jeopardize my happiness. Maybe I
subconsciously do not want to be happy in life. I have a really good
opportunity in my life right now to be pretty happy and it scares me.
I try to live in the moment and just enjoy the good things in my
life, but I start to second guess everything. This downward spiral
will be the death of me (or at least the death of my current
relationship).

Relationship... That word alone scares the living crap out of me.
Seriously, don't look at my backside because just that word alone
makes my bowels quiver like Jello. I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in
another relationship right now, but it appears that it is ready for
me. I am trying my hardest to fight this tide, but somehow it keeps
going forward. I want to be in a good relationship and "happy", but
it all seems to unreal. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore and I
know that everyone is not perfect.

I know it sounds so pessimistic. That's just where I am in my life
right now.

My new motto in life

Stand firm when you can, be flexible when you need to, but never be anybody's bitch.

It's Official

Insanity = Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting
different results each time.

Yep, it's official.
I'm insane.

Shake It Off

It's another one of those days...

Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere

Thank you Mariah for reminding me that I am not the only one feeling
this.

Who Needs Downtime

I think in order to compensate for my feeling of loneliness the past
few months, I feel the need to be super busy in my life. I am running
around non-stop and try my hardest to get some personal downtime
whenever possible. It seems that more and more of the personal
downtime is disappearing from my life. I am trying to make changes in
all facets of my life at the moment and I think it is starting to
catch up to me. I am so exhausted but I can not find the energy to
stop and relax for a moment. I am working in overdrive to find a new
job and this in itself is very time consuming. I am also working on
increasing my social circle and going out with my friends more often.
As if this wasn't enough, I am also working on my personal
relationships and allowing other people into my life unguarded. This
is extremely draining in regards to the amount of emotional energy
required.

I have never understood why people take personal vacations by
themselves and get away from everyone. I believe I can understand why
this is required sometimes. I have this strong desire to just take a
week off from work and wander the earth by myself. Sometimes I feel
the need to just be by myself away from the rest of the world.
Perhaps this is a way to recharge the soul and realize the important
things in life. Until that vacation comes, I have depended on my good
old friend (caffeine) to help keep me going through the week.

Calgon, take me away...

Walking Wallet

I must admit, owning a pet is a costly expense. I just took by
beloved dog to the vet and decided that I must have too much money.
So to remedy that problem, I shelled out $170 to the vet. I have
never spent so much money on a pet as I have my dog. Of all the dogs
to have, I had to have a long term expense pet. She has allergies and
this has occurred every summer, but this summer I have shelled out
over $400 on vet expenses and medication for her allergies.

I have decided to start feeding my dog coal and hoping that she will
start craping diamonds to recoup my costs.

Most people need 3 feet of personal space... I need 30 feet

I have come to realize that I have gone to the opposite extreme
regarding relationships. I have been hurt so much lately, that I
think I may have pulled a 180 and totally run away from any form of
relationships. It was so much better when I didn't let myself get too
close to anyone so I never had to worry about relationship issues. I
would subconsciously sabotage any form of closeness with women. Well,
that will only get me so far in life.

Seriously, anything more than just "friends" is starting to freak me
out. Suffocated even... (said in a Snaggelpuss voice). I know
it's just my insane in the membrane head and lord knows why I'm
putting this down in writing for the world to see.

Maybe, I'm a deeply rooted masochist that enjoys self-abuse (After
all, who doesn't enjoy a little self-abuse now and then? Better stop
that or you'll go blind). You see, I know how to handle the pain of
loneliness. I do not know how to handle the pain of a failed
relationship. It's all too dynamic and unscripted.

If only someone would invent the perfect relationship. I'd buy a six
pack of 'em. That way, when I mess one up, I'd just toss it out and
open up another.

(Disclaimer....)
IF YOUR A WOMAN, STOP READING RIGHT HERE.....
SERIOUSLY, IF YOUR STILL READING THIS, I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR
YOUR ANGER.

In my next life I want to come back as a woman. They have so many
options to chose from when they get down on themselves. There is
always the porn industry, the strip club industry, prostitution.
Sometimes I think I'm really a reincarnated stripper (I like the name
Candy) because this lonely life makes me gravitate toward the "pole".

Oh wait... Actually it's not the pole I like, it's the stripper on
the pole. And I'm a guy so I naturally like strippers. Maybe I'm not
so abnormal after all.

Live Music

I went out to see a local band last night at a small bar. I had a
really good time and plan on going back to the Rhythm Room. I wish
there were more places like this in Houston that host local bands.
The place is pretty small and dark, but that is definitely part of
the attraction to the bar. And the bartender was awesome. He
definitely is not stingy with the alcohol and makes great margaritas
(on the rocks of course). I think I will make it a goal to see one
live band a week. This shouldn't be to much of an unrealistic
expectation.

Catholic

This sums up the Catholic religion.

"If it feels good, then stop!"

You can't get more simple than that.

Butterflies

I am a firm believer in signs. So, when you meet someone new and have
so much in common what does it mean when you don't have the initial
butterfly flutters in your stomach? How can you meet someone who can
totally understand you and have so many things in common not cause
butterflies? Maybe I'm just closing myself off and not allowing the
initial flutters to happen. Maybe it's a sign that this is not meant
to be. I don't know for sure, but I do enjoy our conversations and
have not had such a good time relating to someone in a long time.
This is one of those times where I will let go of my own destiny and
trust fate to take the appropriate actions.

Sinners Lunch

I used to work at a place where we would have lunch on Fridays at a
small Mexican restaurant. The special part of the lunch involved the
shots of tequila at the end of the lunch. This lunch originally
started during the Catholic observance of Lent, so all of us
"sinners" would go to the Mexican restaurant and have a drink (or
two). Thus the sinner's lunch was born. There were some really good
memories created from these lunches. I look back to this day and
laugh when I think about the memories from the lunch.

I think we should start the Sinner's lunch back up again. Anyone who
wants to relax on Fridays and let go of their worries can meet for
the Sinner's lunch. Of course, the original restaurant has since
closed down, so we would need to find a new location that serves
excellent tequila shots.

This is a call to all those sinners out there in the world. Sinners
of the world unite. No matter your troubles, the tequila monster will
cure all problems.

When is it time to quit

I have never been a quitter. All my life, I have worked through
things until I solved them. I know this seems rather stubborn, but
things usually worked out for me in the end. But now I wonder, when
is it time to just give up? I have realized that some things just
don't work out and I am hurting myself too much by trying to make it
work. I have decided to learn when to quit and when to keep trying.
Well, quit is such a harsh word. Maybe I should learn to accept
things for what they are.

I speak often of Karma and life being full-circle. I am a big
believer in the whole "what comes around, goes around" philosophy. I
know this is very contrary to the whole Christian belief system. I
guess this is why I have such a hard time with religion. I do believe
that when people choose to ignore their gut instincts and make bad
decisions, it will come back and haunt them in the future.

I know this posting is rather cryptic and probably sounds like I've
been drinking again, but I haven't (yet). I just feel that sometimes
life gives us blessings in front of our face and we choose to ignore
them. I just hope that all of my decisions lately do not come back to
haunt me. And by "blessings", I don't mean the religious kind. I
think of blessings as opportunities (open doors if you will) that
would better a persons life.

Day of the Fish

The one thing I hope to pass on to my daughter is the love of the outdoors. So far this summer, I have taken her camping and now fishing. The only thing left to do is mountain climbing and she will be a true outdoorsman. I used to take my daughter fishing pretty regularly when she was younger (over five years ago). I would place the bait on her hook and she would cast her rod out to sea. She would even catch some fish every now and then. Well she is older now, but she still loves to fish. You can not believe my excitement when she wanted to bait her own hook. I watched carefully (trying not to show my fear of some great big hook ripping through her finger). She not only baited the shrimp on the hook, but did a very good job where the shrimp was curled up on the hook just right. I was mighty impressed. Unfortunately, she did not catch anything today. But we are determined to go back out again and make this a new tradition. She doesn't have anyone else in her life that likes to fish, so this is special between us. Hopefully when she fishes in the future, she will look back and remember the memories of fishing with her old man.

Growth Spurt

I get my daughter today for the weekend. Of course, being the end of
summer, we are going to go clothes shopping for her new school year.
I can not believe how tall she is getting. She is only a couple of
inches shorter than her aunt (who is four years older than her). She
is already wearing the same shoe size as her aunt. It is an amazing
thing to witness my daughter mature into a beautiful young lady. She
is only eleven right now and she is starting the sixth grade this
year. So you know what that means (Boys, makeup, parties). I know
that every parent goes through this part of their child's life, but
it just seems to be happening so quickly. I remember it was just
yesterday that I could hold her in one arm and we'd fall asleep on
the recliner watching TV together. Life goes by so fast.

I started to realize that when children go through the growth spurts,
we as parents go through similar growth spurts. Only, ours are not
physical growth spurts, but emotional growth spurts. We have to learn
to let go of our children and trust that we did the best parenting
job possible. I love watching my daughter mature in front of my eyes.
I also try my best to not take her growth for granted.

Of course, all of this physical growing is killing my wallet. I am
buying clothes every three months with her constant spurts lately.
So, today I rack up even more debt to ensure that her school does not
call child protective services on me for sending my daughter to
school in hoochie mama shorts and half-top tees because she has
outgrown all of her summer clothes already.

Perfect People

I went out a couple of nights ago to a Houston Astros game with a couple of friends. I had a blast and I think they enjoyed themselves as well. The Astros lost, but that's alright because they won last night. The important part of the night involved the two people that were with me.

I have known these friends for a while now and thoroughly enjoy going out with them. I hope I didn't scare them too much because I would love for them to go out with me again. Anyway, the best part of the night was away from the ballgame. We went to a bar and had a few drinks. Well, if anyone knows me well enough then they know that these two friends had to practically drag me to the bar. Really, I am such a light drinker that I have decided to only drink on days that end in "y". The part that I really enjoyed was the ability to talk to these friends in an honest and open manner. It is so hard these days to find people that you can be real and honest without being judged too much. Well, if they did judge me it was not known to me. I like my delusional life, thank you very much.

Allrighty then, where was I... oh yeah, so I just wanted to thank these two people for letting me share my thoughts and spending the evening with me. The reason I am so thankful is that they reminded me that people are not perfect. We are human and have our flaws. I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect. My grades had to be perfect. I constantly heard things like, "Why did you only get a 92. You should have gotten a higher A" or "Of course you did well, what else would we expect?" Things kind of things really can mess with a person's brain. I thought that if I wasn't perfect the world would collapse around me. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. So now I realize that we are all human and we all make mistakes. The important part is realizing our mistakes and trying our best to not repeat those mistakes. I have made several mistakes in my life. I have the understanding now to appreciate those mistakes. They were "MY" mistakes and no one else's. If I made a bad decision, at least it was my decision. I have a right to make bad decisions some times.

So thank you "A" and thank you "L" for reminding me that I am not perfect. The two of you do not realize just how much that means to me.

By the way, I definitely wouldn't consider you "middle-aged". That makes you sound like some old person. You are definitely young at heart and I would mistaken you for some twenty-something hottie at the bar that night. Both of you are doing something right, because I only hope to look like ya'll in a few years.

Weekend Update

I received a response from probably the only person on this planet
that occasionally reads my blog. And I was informed that I didn't
mention how much of my planned weekend I actually completed.

Well, let's just take a look, shall we...
1.) I started the Harry Potter book and got half way through it on
Saturday. (.5 points)
2.) I cleaned the apartment, but did not deep clean (.5 points)
3.) Unfortunately, I did not go on a bike ride this weekend (0 points)
4.) I ran both Saturday and Sunday (1 point)
5.) I went out and bought a new wallet (1 point)
6.) I did have dinner Saturday night with some friends (1 point)
7.) I took a few random shots this weekend (1 point)
8.) I clearly remember adding posts to my blog (1 point)
9.) I didn't even touch or look at my resume this weekend (0 points)
10.) I walked my dog, but not that far (.5 point)
So, let's tally up the score shall we? 6.5 points out of 10.

Hmmm... But I almost forgot my bonus points...
*) I went to see a movie with a friend on Sunday (1 point)
*) I went to dinner again with a friend on Sunday (1 point)
*) I did not talk to my ex, even though I had the chance (50 points)

So, let's add in the bonus points... 58.5 out of 10. That's like 585%
out of a 100%. Am I really that good?

Daily Blessings

If any of you know me, then it is very well known that I am not much of the religious type of guy. I have spirituality and some form of faith, but I am not very religious. Well, I can admit that today a blessing occurred in my life.

I had a really bad day today. I was extremely hectic at work and the day was fast paced from the start. Then I got a call from my ex-girlfriend. Why I still talk to her is unknown to me. I must like the pain. Even worse, I agreed to have lunch with her at her place today. What the hell was I thinking???

I don't know what I was expecting, but it definitely didn't turn out for the best. Once again, when I left we wished each other "the best" for our separate lives and I expect us to never have contact again. Unfortunately, this has occurred several times in the past already, so I must admit I am a little skeptical of the whole situation. I tried to open minded of the situation, but she has this need to talk about her dating life and her experiences with other guys. Is it me, am I crazy? I just can't seem to handle our conversation when it goes in that direction. I even mentioned earlier in the lunch that I am not comfortable talking about our dating lives to each other. But no, she some how seems to add in some fact of her current dating situation.

Anyway, to make a long story short. I felt really bad after having lunch with my ex. I was really feeling down and then I had to somehow find the energy to see my daughter in the evening and not let her see me depressed. I had a great time with my daughter during her open house. She is starting junior high this fall and she is so excited for the new school. I love my daughter very much and I am totally psyched about her positive mentality toward starting a completely new school. She just transferred to a new school district, so she lost all of her old friends with the move. But my lovely daughter is a fighter and will not give up. She already made a new friend during the gifted and talented testing sessions before school even started. She ran into her new friend tonight at the open house and they were already comparing their class schedules. They have PE, lunch, and Choir together. I'm glad they have some classes together. It will make her transition easier.

Anyway, I got off tanget there. So after my daughter's open house, I left to have dinner with some friends. I really didn't want to go because of how crappy I was feeling from the meeting with my ex. I forced myself to go and I am so glad I went to dinner. I was talking to a friend tonight about my day and the lunch situation with my ex. She gave me so much good advice and told me about a similar situation that occurred to her. She was very compassionate and was truly interested in my situation. It was very comforting to talk to her and have someone that understands the situation. So, I wonder if this is one of the daily blessings people talk about in their lives. Had she not been there at the dinner or had I not gone to the dinner, then I would not be feeling better about my day. I would probably be driving myself crazy regarding the lunch situation and I would try to work through my emotions myself.

So, I just wanted to thank "N" for her wonderful advice and just for listening to me without judging me. I really needed that today. Whether this is a blessing or just a big coincidence, I am thankful for the gift she gave me.

Charlotte's Web

When I was a kid, I loved the book "Charlotte's Web". This was probably the saddest book I read as a child. I couldn't believe it when Charlotte died and I remember feeling very sad the day I read the book. Well, since then I have discovered that I do not like spiders. In fact, I am pretty sure I am border line arachniphobic. I would kill any form of spider that incroached on my ten feet of personal space. And I wouldn't just squish them and be done with it, noooo... I would inflict the maximum amount of pain I could on them to prove a point.

That is, until a couple of months ago. There is this spider that decided to build its web outside my living room window. Each day when I open my blinds, I am eye to eye with this spider. I guess the thing that caught my attention is the fact that this spider has some form of shell on his back. I have noticed that the last few weeks, there are not many things caught in the spider's web. So I imagine that the spider must be feeling pretty hungry lately. Normally this would give me great pleasure, but this time I actually feel pretty sorry for the spider. I hope something flies into his web so that he sticks around a little longer.

What on earth is happening to me? Now I am rooting for spiders...

The Air We Breathe

I think I finally understand why I feel so much better after running.
I initially thought it was related to the fact that I can clear my
mind while running, but now I think I was wrong. It would appear that
the deep breathing that occurs while I am running is making me feel
calmer. I spoke with my ex-girlfriend earlier this week and she told
me about this breathing technique she uses to help calm her when she
feels tension. I tried this technique the other night and it does
work pretty well. Well as I was running today, I realized that my
breathing pattern during running is the exact same pattern as her
breathing technique. To think, all this time I was doing the exact
same breathing technique and didn't realize it. This is one of those
full circle moments for me in my life.

See, I think everything in this world is tied together some how. We
all affect each other in some fashion. When someone does something
somewhere in the world, it affects someone somewhere else in the
world. Similar to the "Circle of Life" from the Lion King. So all
this time I thought it was the clearing of the mind that calmed me
down during my running, but it took my conversation with my ex to
make me realize that it was actually the breathing that was calming
me down. The reason I say that this is circular in nature, is that
she is the initial reason I am feeling stressed and decided to run.
So I am running because of her and then realize that she taught me
some way to calm myself down. Pretty ironic I must admit. Truly an
Alanis moment.

Much Needed Rest

I have been out and about everyday for the last week. I am finally
taking a day off to just rest and do nothing. My body was starting to
revolt against me and remind me that I am not twenty something
anymore. I felt very fatigued today and have had a sore throat for
the last couple of days. This is a very strange feeling, because I
hardly ever get a sore throat. I have been around a lot of smokers
the last week, so I wonder if being around them has irritated my throat.

I decided to create a list of things I want to accomplish this
weekend. I want to look back on my list and see how much I actually
accomplish. So, without further ado, here is my list. (Side rant
here. Who speaks like that anyway. "Without further ado". I think we
should bring back the Shakespearean language and talk like that all
the time. But that is another blog all together.)

1. Read and finish the Harry Potter series (at least book one. I have
had so many people tell me how good this series is to read)
2. Clean the apartment (deep clean, not just pick up)
3. Go for a bike ride (at least 30 miles)
4. Run Saturday and Sunday (at least 5 miles both times)
5. Go shopping for a new wallet (since I lost mine, it is time to
pick out a new one)
6. Have dinner with a friend (any friend will count)
7. Take some random shots with my digital camera (I have had my eye
on a few things that I would like to capture as an image)
8. Update my blog (I've been slacking on the updates lately)
9. Work on my resume (more new jobs keep popping up lately)
10. Take my dog for a long walk (Its been a while since she has had
some good exercise)

So, there you have my list of things to do this weekend. I plan on
completing all of them by Monday morning. Seem like a lot? I have at
least 48 hours to do all of this, so it doesn't seem so bad.

At What Cost

I have this new friend that I made a few weeks ago. He lives in
Chicago and is in town this week again. We have been going out this
week and having a blast. He keeps telling me to come visit him in
Chicago and I can stay at his place to keep my costs down. I'm
definitely going to take him up on his offer and visit Chicago
sometime in the next couple of months. Of course, he already has his
girlfriend's friends lined up for me to go out with while I'm there.
I don't know how well that will go over, but hey I'm an easy going
kind of guy.

Anyway, an important aspect of our conversations lately surround the
fact of starting a small consulting business together. We would only
do weekend work on the side and keep our normal jobs for the rest of
the week. The pay would be extremely good, but the catch would be the
traveling. We would be doing the on-site consulting to businesses all
over the country. He currently travels to other cities every week and
I would be doing the same. I would have to fly out on Friday evening
and return back the following Sunday. And the dates would not be
guaranteed either, so I would have to juggle my schedule with my
daughter.

So, the question remains... At what cost is this new business venture
worth regarding the quality time I spend with my daughter. I could
really, really use the increase in finances right now. I did not
truly understand how much of my ex-girlfriends finances I depended on
for daily living. At the same time, I very much value my daughter's
well being and I enjoy the amount of quality time we get to spend
together. This is not an easy decision to make. I will have to give
this a whole lot of thought.