Starting young...

If I was born on this day (instead of the middle of Feb.), then I would only be 8.5 years old. I would have also lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 4. Just a thought...

Love me some velour

You know what makes me sad?

When the coffee house has better furniture than you do. And I'm not talking about Starbucks (foo foo) coffee houses, but a real dark dank coffee house. I wonder if how many pieces of furniture I could carry out to my SUV before they stop me?

I'm Yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
i love peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

- Jason Mraz

Screw you and your ease of use

You know what I need to stay away from? Well, a hell of a lot of things. Does that even make sense? Okay, no.

Anyway, I need to stay away from iTunes. Well not iTunes so much, but the iTunes store to be exact. I was looking through some applications this evening and felt that music would help me with the work. Then that damn "ease of use" kicked in and I went to download the free songs off iTunes. For those that are not "in the know", Apple gives away free songs every week. The amount varies, but it is usually at least three songs per week. The music type varies, but I have found some really good music this way. Some crappy music as well, but some good music the majority of the time.

They release the new songs on Tuesdays. The fact that I know this puts me in a whole other Apple geek factor all together, but I am here to spread the word of Jobs. Heh, that would make a really cool Apple cult name. Then we could all be "Jobpostles". Okay, so we are HERE and I took this topic way over THERE.

Back to the matter at hand. I was downloading my free songs and then started to browse the damn store. Bad idea, very bad idea. Did you know that Tuesdays are also new release days for CDs and DVDs. How the hell do I keep so much random useless information stored in my brain? So, I start browsing the music and damn it I started buying. DAMN IT. I need to quit and get back to the applications. I have way more music than any sane person needs, but I just can't help myself.

I don't know when my music addiction started, but I know it has control over me. I still have a whole crap load of CDs to import into iTunes. I keep avoiding this simple task. I think I may be buying music I already own on CD, but I'm just too lazy to look for the CD. Isn't that stupid? Looking back, I think it all started when I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare, but I thought 'Naw forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'. I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'. I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

Early to bed, early to kiss my butt

So... ask me how my run was this morning?

There was no run this morning, at least not by me. Apparently you can make yourself go to bed, but you can not make yourself fall asleep.I think I finally fell asleep around 2:00AM. So yeah, needless to say I hit the snooze button when the alarm went off. I'm going to try again tomorrow and see if I can't find a way to fall asleep earlier.

Early to bed, early to rise (relatively)

I have a new goal. Morning running. I'm going to go to bed relatively early (like now) and see if I can wake up early enough to start running in the morning before I go to work. I really, really hope this works. I am starting to miss my running, but my work and personal life do not allow me to run after work.

I guess if I really missed the running, I would not let anything get in the way after work. I think I can do it. No wait, I KNOW I can do it. It's all in the mind.

Only thing missing is the Jello

Hey Jude

Street Light, Why doth thou flicker?

OH MY GAWD!!!

I am not crazy. There is actually a name for my phenomenon.

SLIder

The weird part of me wants the world to know, but the paranoid part of me is afraid of the black helicopters and the scary men in black.

Look at what I can do...

I swear I have the dumbest dog in the world. I was watching TV when I see my dog jump up and run to the floor. She starts bouncing around and playing with something. I figure it was some kind of bug and ignore her. She is jumping around, pats it with her paws, and then rolls her face on it.

All of a sudden, she stops. I think she must have squished it and continued watching TV. A few minutes later, I see something moving on the rug. FUCK. What was she playing with? My phobia kicked in and I start turning on all lights in the room.

It was a huge ass spider. Half squished because of her pawing, but still crawling. I run and grab a shoe and make sure both sides are matching (squished sides that is). I look over at my stupid dog and she is licking her paws and rubbing her face.

The damn spider probably bit her and that's why she stopped playing with it. I thought I taught her better. She knows better than to be playing with the enemy.

I swear if she starts swelling up, I'm leaving her face the way it is. I'm tired of her playing with spiders and getting bit on the face. And hell no, she can't lick me. I have this fear that she has a spider fang stuck on her tongue somewhere and when she licks me it will stick me.

Polyester... it's the new cotton

What is the deal with older Mexican men and their pants? As a kid, I have witnessed far too many older men relatives that would wear non-fitting pants. They would find these pants that were the perfect length, perfect waist size, but had the smallest crotch sections in the world. And the polyester... lord please stop with the polyester.

I was in a meeting today with one of those type of older (sixties) Mexican men. And he would just sit there with his legs wide open and all his beans and franks outlined there for the world to see. OUT THERE FOR THE WORLD TO SEE.

Good Lord, the women were not even looking in his general direction. I think they feared they would be mesmerized by the chorizo and frijoles. I was just laughing silently on the inside.

Did he care? Nope. Did he even know what was going on? Perhaps. He is THE MAN, because he woke up this morning and said "Fuck it. I'm squeezing into these polyester pants, adjust the winkie and woobles, and show the world what I'm made of." You know there had to be some adjustment going on. That's like trying to fit an Ikea bookshelf back in the original box after you assembled it. No way that is an easy task.

A small part of me wanted to take a picture to share with the world, but even I am not that cruel. And what's the deal with all the penis and testicle analogies in this post?

Stop the abuse

My absolutely favorite quote of the day.



Sometimes I wonder...
"Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"
and then it hits me.

Time to Pretend

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

- MGMT

Gotta love the smell of crap on the street

I've watched enough Home Flipping shows to know the #1 sign that you've over-extended your budget.

You cheap out on the landscaping.

The 480,000 homes that they are selling on my street are close to selling. They finally did the landscaping and must have put it on the market. Cars are constantly stopping by to look at the damn sign. Anyway, there were two small squares of grass in the front yard. They destroyed the larger patch when they were doing the home building and half of the small patch was turning to mud. Instead of replacing the patches with sod, they went the cheap route and just put down mulch. Over the WHOLE yard. Yeah they have a couple of small trees and some plants, but it looks bad for these expensive ass houses.

Anyway, back to laying down for the day.

Just reach out and touch someone

I received some belated valentine's day candy yesterday and love those candy hearts. You know the candy that have the messages on them? Anyway, they had all the usual messages "Miss You", "Ask Me", "Love You". Then I pulled this one out (pictured above).

Really? I thought it was some kind of joke candy and went through the rest of the box. Nope. All of them were the usual messages. I felt kind of guilty and called home.

Fortunately, no one answered. Considering I wasn't home and no one should have been there. I feel sorry for the poor bastard that's away from his wife all the time and gets this message on his candy heart.

One more thing to add to my responsibilities

I went out for lunch yesterday and noticed this sign glued to the mirror of the men's restroom yesterday. I had to do a double take to make sure I was in the correct restroom. So now I have to start worrying about women who drink while pregnant. A man can only handle so many responsibilities before he breaks.

I hate to see the sign they have in the women's restroom about us guys.

No Valentine's Day for you

What the hell is this world becoming? My daughter was telling me that they do not allow Valentine's Day celebrations at her school anymore. Parents were complaining that it was a religious holiday. Religious?

Come on. Now we are going a little too far, aren't we? I know about the history that Valentine's Day was actually a Pagan holiday that the Catholic church converted into a Christian day of celebration. Blah, blah, blah...

Seriously, we all know the real truth. Hallmark is making a killing on that one day alone. The flower deliveries, the candy companies... This is not even close to a RELIGIOUS holiday.

So some of her teachers found a work around. They did NOT have any Valentine's Day parties on Thursday. No, no, no... that would be breaking the rules. They had an "Encouraging Notes Day" celebration at the school on Thursday.

So they threw their parties in some classes and passed around "encouraging notes" that happen to be red, pink, and white while also passing out "chemical compounds wrapped in plastic".

Did I mention that the school also has a "No Candy" policy?

Gotta feel the love

Ain't Karma a bitch?

Real Life Frogger

Your not going to be happy about the truth

So, you wouldn't happen to be looking for the lyrics to the Chicken dance, would you? "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck." Yes. Well, my friend you are in luck. I'm about to save you hours of research and searching and have it all resolved in less than a minute.

THERE ARE NO LYRICS

There. I said it. The truth had to be told by someone.

"But wait" you say. Didn't I find your site googling for the lyrics listed above? Why yes. Yes, you did. But trust me, there are no lyrics. Well, that's not entirely true. There are lyrics, but they are not the lyrics you think they are. Don't believe me. Well, here. I will give you the official lyrics to "Dance Little Bird" aka "The Chicken Dance".

Do you wanna feel good,
wanna laugh and play? (let's laugh and play)
Wanna have some fun,
throw your blues away? (your blues away)
Are you feelin' sad?
Got a problem? - Here's the cure (we got the cure.)
Do the chicken dance;
make you happy for sure.
Reach out your arms and swing your partner.
Make like a bird and try to fly.
Come on out there you hens and roosters.
Just hook your arms now, and don't be shy.
Hey you're in the swing
You're cluckin' like a bird. (Pluck, pluck, pluck, pluck.)
You're flappin' your wings.
Don't you feel absurd. (No, no, no, no.)
It's a chicken dance,
like a rooster and a hen. (Ya, ya, ya, ya.)
Flappy chicken dance;
let's do it again.
Relax and let the music move you.
Let all your inhibitions go.
Just watch your partner whirl around you.
We're havin' fun now; I told you so.
Now you're flappin' like a bird
and you're wigglin' too. (I like that move.)
You're without a care.
It's a dance for you. (Just made for you.)
Keep doin' what you do.
Don't you cop out now. (Don't cop out now.)
Gets better as you dance;
Catch your breath somehow.
Reach out your arms and swing your partner.
Make like a bird and try to fly.
Come on out there you hens and roosters.
Just hook your arms now, and don't be shy.
Now we're almost through,
really flying high (bye, bye, bye, bye.)
All you chickens and birds,
time to say goodbye (to say goodbye.)
Goin' back to the nest,
but the flyin' was fun (oh it was fun.)
Chicken dance is the best,
but the dance is done.

Nope. No where in there is the "I don't want to be a chicken..." portion of the song. Wikipedia has a good page devoted to the history of the song. Here is my cliff note version of the history I have discovered during my research.

Swiss guy creates song in the 50's (Der Voglertanz = The Bird Dance). He played it all over and in the 80's another guy released it in the US as "The Chicken Dance". It became famous because of the huge demand for the song at weddings and the rest is history.

I know, I know... this can't be true. You keep telling yourself you've heard people singing the lyrics before. I had never heard the lyrics before until my daughter was singing them one day. I had no idea what she was singing until she did the clap thing at the end. Then it hit me. That's the Chicken Dance. She did not know any other lyrics other than the same three lines.

Have you ever known anyone that knows more than the same three lines? If you are reading this, then I would guess no.

I don't wanna be a chicken,
I don't wanna be a duck,
so I shake my tail

The last line has other variations, but most people repeat these same three lines. They do the beak thing, the wing thing and then clap. So far I discovered the modified lyrics were created by a ten year old girl scout attending a wedding in Wisconsin after a freak blizzard snowed in a wedding reception for a whole weekend.

Okay, I made that last part up. I could not find any evidence of where the variation to the song first originated. But you can continue to search and if you find out, drop me a line.

Your Welcome.

Really? Was that necessary?

I was leaving work today and approaching the elevator when a couple and another woman were ahead of me. The woman was waiting at the elevator and had a dolly with a bunch of stuff on it. The couple split apart (just co-workers it seems) and the guy stands behind the woman and just watches her. I don't think she noticed, but women have that damn third eye in the back of their head so you never know. Damn digressions, they get me every time.

Anyway, we were standing there for like three seconds. The elevator opens up and the three of us get in. The guy leans over and tells her, "Looks like you have a bunch of stuff there." She gives him this look and then says, "Yeah, I got a lot of stuff here. You can see that I have a lot of stuff. Hell, even that guy can see I have a lot of stuff."

Her floor arrives, and she grabs her stuff and walks out. Leaving just me and the guy in the elevator. Awkward.... I smirk and then get off when my floor arrives. Leaving the poor SOB in the elevator to contemplate what just went down.

Ouch. I'm sure she felt that he was hitting on her. He probably was, but he could have just been making small talk. You never know. Even if he was hitting on her, was that response necessary? She embarrassed the hell out of the guy. And then to try to pull me into their little "lover's squabble" was not necessary. Some people can be real assholes at times.

One thing I know for sure is that will be the last time that guy uses that line.

You supposd be up cookin breafas or sumthin

Please sir... it's dark down here

You know what sucks? Knowing you have to get up early the next morning, but you can't seem to fall asleep. Seriously, what is up with that? Perhaps my using the computer for the past three hours may have something to do with it. Perhaps.

Either way, it still sucks. I seem to be missing that little voice in my head that handles self control. I KNOW I should go to bed early, but I don't. I know I shouldn't drink so much, but I do. I should be exercising more, but I'm not.

What happened to my inner self control voice? Everyone I know has that little voice in their head. I should know. I keep trying to get people to stay out with me, but they don't. Why? Because they are listening to that DAMN inner voice.

I don't think I have ever had that inner voice. I wonder if it is something that people learn. Perhaps the voice is created through habit or eventually with time. Not sure, but here I am typing away on the computer instead of going to sleep.

I think I may be consuming too much caffeine. Did I just say that? Hell, there is that little voice. It may have been there all this time, but I keep it locked up because it keeps spewing out nonsense. Too much caffeine... One can never have too much caffeine.

Never mind, I just realized that I have that inner voice. I just don't listen to my inner voice. If it would only listen to reason, maybe I would let it out more often. Until then, it will be locked away in the dark recesses of my mind.

Self Reflection

A man without ambition is dead.
A man with ambition but no love is dead.
A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive.
Having been alive, it won't be so hard in the end to lie down and rest.

- Pearl Bailey

Char Lay Bit May

I think the British accent is the best accent EVAR...

Home sweet home... for someone

My area lately has been throwing up patio type homes lately. They take an old four-plex, tear it down and build a couple of three story patio homes on the lot. Well, a few lots down, the owner decided to do this and made 3 three story patio homes out of the lot. I was excited because I thought "Well, houses in my area sell between $500,000 - $750,000 on average."

Naturally, my math based logic just divided this amount by three for the cost of each home. There is no back yard and a very, very small front patch of grass. Hell, two of the units are sharing THREE stories worth of wall. The damn thing can't be more than $300,000. Umm... yeah.

The guy finally posted a billboard with the amenities and the starting price of the units. The damn things START at $480,000. Are you kidding me? Do they come with a room full of drugs because you, Mr. Owner man, are obviously smoking crack. There is no way these things are going to sell for anything close to that price. Perhaps you have not seen the housing market lately. I'm so pissed, I'm speaking in fragmented sentences.

Anyway, I will just sit in my little two bedroom unit and continue to rent. One day, I will find a home that matches my desire and my price range.

You can take a boy out of the hood...

How do you know if you've grown up in the hood?

When a car creeps up the street all slow like, you have at least four different scenarios running through your head of where to run and hide in case its a drive by.

I did this a few moments ago when I was walking my dog. I hate it when cars drive slowly down a street. Bad, bad feelings reemerge. I should know better. I live in a decent neighborhood, but you never know. That one time I let my guard down, BANG! That's just how it happens.

"Sorry just don't cut it Dude"

I was one that never really liked Western movies. Especially the older movies and the Spaghetti Western movies. Like everything in my life, I seem to appreciate what I disliked earlier in my life. They have been playing a lot of Western movies lately on the AMC channel. I have a new found fascination with John Wayne movies now. He made a crap load of movies. I need to head out to Wal-mart and look into the $5 bins for older Western movies.

Here's to getting old

So I'm sitting there eating dinner at the bar. Low and behold an older couple sits next to me. Sure, ignore the fifty other empty chairs around me and sit RIGHT next to me. That's cool. They are really old (seventies) so I figure maybe they need the extra body heat to keep them warm. Just me drinking a beer, eating my food, doing the charitable warming thing.

They get their food and are drinking beers, when all of a sudden the old man next to me lets out a huge ass belch. Not a small burp. You know, old people make all kinds of noises at that age. This was a loud ass beer belch that had the smell of BBQ and old people mixed in. It was absofuckinglutely nasty. I thought, "Whatever. He's old and can't help himself. Any minute now he will apologize and I'll chucle". Waiting... still waiting. Nothing. No apology, no acknowledgment of the incident that just happened.

I was shocked. I chuckled anyway because I'm childish like that at times, but still shocked. I guess that's just part of the benefit of being old. You get to do whatever the hell you feel like and not have to apologize to no one. I must admit, I was shocked that such a loud noise came from such a feeble looking man. I could have sworn my hair fluttered a little when he burped. That is just plain nasty.

Same Mistake

And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises 'cause
There are no promises I keep,
and my reflection troubles me
so here I go

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again

- James Blunt

Fool me once...

So, how ya doin? Good, good. Me? I'm doing alright.

Umm... yeah. Well, I bought another prayer candle. Yep, lit it up again and prayed for something. Well, prayer isn't really the correct word to use here. I guess it's more like "wished" for something. I treat my prayer candles like shooting stars. And what's with all these stars and violence. Why can't they be waving stars or resting stars. Why they gotta be shooting all the time.

Sorry 'bout that. Kinda got sidetracked there. I think it's my guilty conscious that doesn't want to admit that I bought AND lit this candle. So the million dollar question is... do I blow it out?

I think the colors mean something because they are always the same color for the same saint. EVERYWHERE. This time I bought the Virgin Mary candle. I'm not quite sure what is the purpose of this candle. Right. So I'm going to leave it burning until I go to bed and then probably blow it out. I mean, seriously, I am going to check that damn candle VERY carefully before I go to bed.

I think someone placed a hex on me. Does that sound crazy? I think it sounds certifiably looney, but I have my suspicions. I heard that you can't have any voodoo curses placed on you if you never believe in voodoo. Don't know how true that is, but I'm going to keep believing that. I was watching this show last week and there were witches placing hexes on people. I wonder if there is some witch out there hexing me? If so, that person sucks at hexes because this ain't nothing. You hear me, NOTHING. I've pissed off a lot of people in my life, so I definitely have plenty of enemies.

It's kind of funny. All my life, I have been scared to death of people not liking me. Now, don't care so much. You don't like me, your loss. I'm still going to be me and never going back to that shell of a man I was before. Back to the candle situation. I will test this new candle and see if it works as advertised. Well, it really doesn't come out and advertise anything. But word of mouth has spread of the special prayer candle powers, so I am waiting to see it happen.

I keep checking it out every now and then for some special glow or for it to talk to me. See, this is why I am cursed. I can't help but be skeptical about life. It would appear that I have lost all kinds of faith lately.

If I must...

I have finally decided to face reality and accept the loss. But like a cheap hooker, they have me hooked and I'll be back to support them next season.

I thought I could drown my sorrows with alcohol yesterday. It was starting to work except for all those damn Giants fans reminding me every five seconds about the upset. And then today, good Lord make it all stop.

Super Sized Sunday

Are you ready for some Football...

My prediction for the Superbowl. Wes Welker MVP with at least 2 touchdowns. Realistically, I think it will be Brady with the MVP, but I can hope.

My final score: Patriots 35 Giants 24

You heard it hear first folks. Where did I get those numbers? PTOOMA.

Salty Air Haiku

Colorful Plastic
Screaming like a crazy fool
Nineteen beads for me

Dublin Dr. Pepper

I had never heard of this before, but tried it today. It is definitely a different taste. I thought it would be like a regular Dr. Pepper just that it had a vintage label. WRONG. I was thinking that it may be from Dublin, Ireland. Perhaps they like the drink in a different fashion. Wild hair up my ass guess.

I went home and immediately started my research. Turns out it is from Dublin, but not the Dublin I thought. It is the original formula still used from Dublin, Texas. This is the only Dr. Pepper that still uses natural sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.

Now I want to visit the plant just for the hell of it.