I have been posting to this blog for a least a few months now and I
have always treated it similar to an online diary of sorts. I have
placed a lot of my thoughts and ideas on the site without much
thought of consequences. I also decided a long time ago not to use
personal names on the site because I did not want it stumbled upon in
web searches. I have written about my family and friends on my site
and did not want them to realize that I may be posting situations of
my life on the Internet.
I guess the reason for not wanting to know if others were reading my
blogs was that it may affect what I decide to post on my blog. I have
this fear that if someone discovered what I posted and didn't like
it, I was afraid of hurting them. So, I tried not to use personal
names to describe my scenarios. Well, I know this may get me in
trouble some day, but the reason I am discussing all of this is
because there is something I have always wanted to do for my
daughter. I wanted to post an open letter to her in case she ever
stumbled upon this site in the future. I will not tell her about this
site, but someday it will be discovered and I want her to know more
about her dad.
So, here a letter from a father that loves his daughter very much and
wants her to know how proud he is of her.
--------------------
Ashley,
I just wanted you to know how very proud I am to be called your
"father". I took on the responsibility eleven years ago, but did not
take the duty seriously until after your mom and I divorced. It is an
extremely difficult job to raise a daughter in our current times. I
want to ensure you will grow up as a responsible and loving
individual in this world. The key word there is INDIVIDUAL. You are
special and unique and there is only one of you in this world. Do not
ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know the pressure of family and
friends is hard sometimes. It will be even harder when you get older,
but remember you will always have me by your side to help you
whenever you need help. I make this promise to you here and now. You
will not even need to ask for my help, because I will be there
constantly in your life communicating with you and I will know when
you need help. I have so much to learn in life and I want to pass on
as much knowledge as I can to you. I want you to have a better
childhood than I did growing up. I don't mean with just the physical
belongings in life, but with the emotional and spiritual needs as well.
I know that if you stumble upon this site, you will start to read all
of my previous postings. I do not know if any of them would ever
offend you, but you have to understand that everything I have ever
posted as been as true as I can be to myself. The language and words
I chose were carefully thought out and not just randomly typed. If I
have cursed, it is because the feelings were so strong that the only
way to describe them were with strongly chosen words. This is
extremely important. "Do not ever sacrifice your feelings or creative
ideas to not offend other people." No matter who is offended. If you
need to express yourself in a certain manner, then make sure you do
it in a manner that is true to yourself. I gave this great thought
when I was posting some of my past thoughts. I could have changed my
language, but then it would have been filtered thoughts that I was
presenting and I would have felt cheated. I could not do this to
myself and I do not want you to ever cheat yourself either.
This is my first letter to you, but it will not be my last. I love
you with all of my heart and soul and will be there for you at all
times. The love between a father and child is special and can never
be replaced. I intend to show you this love throughout your life and
teach you how to show this love to your future children.
Love,
Daniel
You know how they say that when you lose a limb, you still have that
ghosted feeling like the limb is still there?
Well, I have been having that feeling all day regarding my wallet. I
know that's pretty messed up comparing a person losing a wallet to a
person losing a limb, but it's true. When you get used to sitting on
a wallet for so long, you have that weird feeling when it's not there
anymore. I keep reaching for it in my back pocket and then realize
that my wallet is LONG GONE.
Kind of like my last girlfriend.
Ouch... I can't believe I just said that.
I just couldn't resist myself.
What is the most important item a man uses every day?
My wallet, of course. And you know what? I lost mine last night.
This is so bad... no really, like really, really bad. I had
everything in the wallet. I had to cancel all my credit cards this
morning. I had around $60 in cash. I had a $25 Barnes and Noble gift
card. The most important things are the driver's license and my
social security card. Oh my gosh, what a pain to try and replace
those. I went online today to re-order a driver's license. You know
what they want? A credit card to pay the service charges. Really
smart system they have there... let's see how could we really screw
over our residents? Oh yeah, we will make them use a credit card to
pay for their license and that way when they lose their wallets they
will be screwed because the credit cards were with the wallet.
And then, I don't usually carry cash but last night I went out so I
had cash on me. I just went to the ATM right before I lost my wallet.
That was such a messed up feeling. And another bad part of all this,
I can't drink for the next couple of weeks because I don't have my
ID. Oh man, this is really going to hurt. So I called all my credit
card companies this morning and I should be back in business in 10-14
business days. I didn't realize how often I use my cards. Everything
from getting gas (no more paying at the pump) to eating out will
require my need for cash and waiting in lines again.
I had an almost complete Deidrich's coffee card. You know how long it
took me to get that thing almost complete? Crap, now I have to drink
ten more cups of coffee to get my stupid free coffee.
I also had my insurance cards (medical and dental) that will need to
be re-issued again. My alumni card will need to be re-issued. And who
knows what else, because I don't have my wallet to check and see what
is missing... I know I'm forgetting something else that was important
in there.
Someone out there in the world is probably spending MY cash, using my
bookstore gift card, and drinking my free cup of coffee. It's a good
thing I believe in karma, because someone is going to have some
really bad stuff come their way.
I have a feeling this is going to be a bad, bad 10-14 business days ahead.
I got the new Jason Mraz cd yesterday. Let me tell you this one is
very good. I liked his first cd a lot, but this one is definitely
better. I also pre-ordered the cd from itunes. The cool thing is that
the pre-ordered folks got two extra songs with the cd. There is this
acoustic version of "Rocket Man" (the Elton John song) that is the
best song on the cd.
While talking about music, don't you hate it when you buy a cd just
for a particular song and then realize that the song isn't even on
the cd? That so sucks and happened to me earlier this week. I bought
the new Keith Urban cd thinking that his song, "You'll think of me"
was on it and didn't check it out first. My dumb butt then realized
that the song was on his last cd and not his latest cd. I started
laughing out loud in the car and the people in the car next to me
thought I was crazy. It turns out to be a good cd anyway.
So, the moral of the story is... always check the cd before buying.
Or better yet, just download the song from itunes and be done with it.
What exactly is "love"?
After all, isn't it just an emotion that one feels toward something
else? I understand it is possible to love someone, but situations
prevent you from being with that person. As sad as it may be, I
realized that there are very few people in this world that I have
loved. And I don't mean "liked" or "cared about", I mean truly loved
that person. Of course, my daughter is number one on the list. I can
not imagine not loving my daughter no matter what kind of strife she
may cause in my life. My family (parents and sisters) would be the
other individuals.
Then there is the love of my extended family. I love them. I know I
do. But, even that type of love seems so distant and not as close as
the love of my family and daughter.
Of course, we come down to the love I have had in my past
relationships. Of all the past relationships, I really only loved a
couple of people. And I mean really loved them. But I have never
really put everything I had into a relationship until my last one. I
really put all of my heart and soul into the relationship and gave
all the love I had to her. This was definitely a good thing. I have
no regrets for putting so much love into the relationship. And then
after the breakup, I was naturally heartbroken and hurt. This was to
be expected and is part of the natural healing process.
But today, the unexpected happened. I have been very guarded with my
feelings of love toward anyone since my breakup. I guess it's just my
way of protecting myself from the pain. And when I have talked with
my last girlfriend regarding our feelings toward each other, it has
always been that she "loves" me but is not "in love" with me anymore.
Alright, I can understand that... But this morning she made a
different statement.
She told me, "I love you". Now, I'm no fool and I'm not trying to
read into this. I know she is not trying to get back together, but
she said that she was afraid to tell me how she truly felt. That she
has always loved me and will always love me. This starts to create
some form of grey area.
When she told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, I
understood that to be that she does not want to see me hurt but does
not feel romantic feelings towards me. After all, I feel that way
about my ex-wife. She is the mother of my daughter so I would never
want to see her extremely ill or something serious happen to her. But
at the same time, I have no romantic feelings toward my ex-wife. I
would never want to be back in that relationship again. This is how I
took my last girlfriends comments before. But now, she definitely
made the distinction regarding the new comment and I was totally
shocked. I was literally speechless and did not know how to respond.
All of the feelings I thought were gone suddenly swept back with such
force, but with those feelings came the anger. How could someone do
this to someone they truly love?
So what does this mean? Honestly, I think it is her way of healing
for herself. She said, " I truly love you and now I know I can say
it. I love you. I love you. I love you." The reason I think this is
her way of self-healing is because of the way she said it. It's like
she can be free and express her feelings toward me without any
consequences. She knows, I will not try to get back together. So now,
she feels she can express her love. And anytime someone says the same
sentence three times in a row, you know something is messed up
regarding that sentence.
(Hold on this needs a whole section by itself for the next sentence)
WHAT THE HELL???
As if our messed up relationship wasn't bad enough before, now she
goes and adds this to the mixed up emotions. Just when I thought I
figured out the concept of loving someone versus being in love with
them, she goes and adds this new variation of love. I wonder if I've
just got it all wrong and someone could explain what the hell this
whole concept of love is about.
Once again, this type of mornings really make me want to just clam up
and become the crazy old man on the corner with the cats. Maybe they
were in a similar situation and just snapped one day. And what the
hell is my fascination with the cats.... I don't even like cats. And
I certainly don't "love" them.
Ok, now I'm just rambling on. I need to go running and clear my head.
I have always been a firm believer in capital punishment. Being born
and raised in Texas, I was definitely influenced by the death
penalty. You know, the whole eye for an eye type of mentality. But
know I'm not so sure. There must be a better way of punishment. The
whole life sentence thing is not working either. I think that is just
wasting our money as well.
I was watching the movie Journey to the Center of the Earth this
morning. There is this one scene where they hold a trial under the
earth and convict the man to death. Then, no one wants to actually be
the executioner. Everyone has some form of excuse.
I wonder how many people could convict someone to death if they
actually had to carry out the execution themselves. When I was
younger, I may not have had a problem performing the execution. Grim
thought, I know. Seriously, this state has some form of brain washing
mentality towards the death penalty. Now that I am older and wiser, I
don't think I could carry out the execution. I could definitely kill
someone if my life was in danger or if someone I loved was in danger.
But to be the person carrying out the execution, I'm not sure that is
something I could do today.
You gotta love the Houston Astros. They are on a six game winning
streak. And they kicked ass tonight. They beat the Nationals 14 to 1.
It looks like we are finally learning how to play small ball and win
games. Let's just hope they continue this hot streak similar to last
season and win the NL wild card race again. It looks like it is a
tough race this year as well. I have never been to so many games as I
have this season. In fact, I'm going to three games next week alone.
I used to hate baseball when I was younger. I couldn't stand watching
it on TV or at a live game. Somewhere along the way, I learned to
love the game. Now, I can't imagine not watching the games. Isn't it
amazing how we change as individuals over time?
I went out last night and partied with some friends pretty hard. I
seem to have forgotten that it was a Thursday night and I had to work
the next morning. So, when 3:00 rolled around and I was just getting
home, my ass was pretty tired by the time I had to get up to go to
work. I had a great time and do not regret anything. The bad part is
just trying to make it through the day without passing out and then
just crashing when I got home. Sometimes you just have to party hard
and forget about everything else that is going on in your life at
that moment.
I have faced some pretty emotional crap lately, so just going out and
getting wasted was what the doctor ordered. I know, I know... this is not
going to solve anything and I'm just trying to repress some pent up
emotions. But you know what... I don't give a damn. I like living my
life in denial. You know what they say, "Ignorance is bliss".
I used to think that knowing everything was a better way of living.
You know, if you were married and your spouse cheats on you, it would
be better to know the truth than to live in ignorance. Or if you knew
someone and they didn't like you, then it would be better to know the
truth. But now I think differently, because if the knowledge does not
make your life any better then it really isn't useful information. I
wanted to control my situations so that I would decrease any chances
of feeling pain. This is not a very good way to live your life. I was
constantly stressed when things didn't turn out as I had predicted or
planned. I was fighting the tides, so to speak. I have learned now to
go with the flow and let the tides take me wherever. It's a big ocean
out there and there is so much to see and do. So far, the tides have
not let me down and I am constantly growing from the new experiences.
Okay, enough of the philosophical bullshit for the evening. Once
again, I'm telling you... the nights I go out drinking are the nights
that I have the best ideas floating around in my head. Seriously,
think about it. Some of the most artistic and brilliant people in the
world were always on some kind of drug or were crazy somehow. Maybe
this is my grand plan in life... get lit up and then philosophize
with the other drunk people. Is that even a word, philosophize? I
would look it up, but I'm too lazy and well... nope that's it... I'm
just too lazy. Oh, sorry about that side distraction. Where was I? Oh
yeah, I could philosophize with the other drunk people and then we
could create these grand theories of life and perhaps solve some of
the great mysteries in life. Unfortunately, we would all be drunk so
we would have forgotten everything by the morning.
Why is it that when you break up in a relationship, the other person
always wants to try and maintain a friendship? Honestly, is it
possible to truly maintain a friendship when you have such a history
of love, passion, and pain in the romantic portion of the past
relationship? I thought it was always possible before, but now I know
that it is not. Hearing your ex talk about her current dates and
romantic interest does not help a person move on in his life. My ex
has plenty of friends and she will continue to have a lot of friends
with or without my friendship. It is a tragic situation, but such is
life...
You know, I want to blog right now but I can't think of what to put
down in my blog.
I have so many thoughts, but they are all scrambled.
What's the deal with that?
Do you believe in ghosts?
I've been Tivo'ing (is that a word? If not, then it is now) ghost
hunting type of shows lately. Some seem extremely fake, but some seem
real. Either way, they are very entertaining for sure. There is this
one show "Most Haunted" with this funny woman host. She is all brave
in the beginning, but she is always the one that freaks out later in
the show. This would be a very good drinking game. Take a shot every
time she freaks out. Everyone would be wasted for sure by the end of
the hour.
I must admit I have seen some unexplained shit in my lifetime. I
think this is why I have such a fascination with these shows. I don't
really like telling the stories from my past, but they have been
unexplained for sure. I have told a few people about them and I
always get the same looks from the people. I feel like such an idiot
after telling them and swore that unless someone else has had a
similar experience I would not tell them. Of course, when people tell
me their stories I think they are freaks and don't believe them. So I
understand when people give me that "get away from me you freak" look
on their faces after hearing my stories.
Maybe we can all see "dead people", but close ourselves off. After
all, we are all some form of energy. Maybe the dead are just energy
forms that stick around a bit. I bet that some people have the
ability to attract this energy and this is why some people have the
encounters while others do not.
Ok, I'm starting to freak myself out now. I hate having these
thoughts and ideas when I'm home alone late at night. Damn it, now I
have to watch some Disney film to get these freaking thoughts out of
my head. Anyone up for watching Cinderella with me?
What is the earliest memory you have as a child?
Mine was when I was five years old and we just moved into a new
house. The neighbor kids came over to check out the strange new
neighbor kid that just moved in. At least that's how it felt by the
stares I was receiving. You would have thought I have three eyes or
something. Anyway, getting off topic here, I do understand that the
memory process is rather selective. And then there is the whole
concept that our mind suppresses all of the bad things that have
happened to us to help us not go crazy in life. But isn't it strange
because I swear I'm losing more and more memories each day. I'm not
old and I have this strange feeling that I do not have half as much
memories that I use to have.
Now I know what your thinking... All of that partying has killed
enough of my brain cells to warrant the lost memories. But, I have
actually slowed down on the partying and it feels like I have lost
more thoughts since then. In fact, one could argue that because of my
lack of partying I am actually loosing more thoughts and memories.
That's it... In order to stop this madness I'm hitting a bar as
quickly as I can. Drinks are on me... Who else wants to save their
precious childhood memories while they can?
I had dinner with a friend yesterday and we were discussing our
future goals in life. You know, I really have no long term goals
anymore. For the longest time, my only goal was to graduate from
college. Four and a half years have since passed and I have not
created any new long term goals. I have these slight images in my
head, but nothing really concrete. This is really starting to
concern me. What if I end up doing the same thing for the rest of my
life. I will be some lonely old man sitting in front of a computer
when I am sixty years old. This is not how I want to spend my
"golden" years.
I have been afraid to take my GRE exam for graduate school. The
vocabulary section has always frightened my for some reason. I know
it sounds stupid, but I have this fear of bombing that section so
bad, no school would accept me. I have spoken to so many people who
have taken their GRE exam and said I was blowing it out of
proportion. So screw it, I'm going to take my exam in August whether
I am ready or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to study my ass off
for the exam. I just won't be afraid of the stupid vocabulary section
anymore. After all, they are just a bunch of words anyway. What kind
of harm can they cause?
Man, the more I start getting all philosophical and shit, the
freakier I start sounding...
Maybe the voices in my head are right and I'm not that crazy after
all...
Last night I had dinner with some friends and learned so many
valuable lessons in life. There were only a few of us my age, so most
of the people were older than me. I have come to realize that you
definitely gain wisdom through age and experience. I have learned so
much from these wonderful people and I will continue to suck as much
life lessons from them as I can. It is always better to learn from
other people's mistakes than to learn from your own. I just hope I
will be as wise as they are twenty years from now.
I have also decided to expand out my friendship as much as possible
to as many people as possible. I used to associate with others that
were approximately ten years older/younger than myself. This was not
done on purpose, but happen to turn out that way. I now realize that
so many moments of great friendship may have been lost because I did
not associate with anyone much older than me.
Last night, I was helping this guy out with some computer questions
(can't help myself... computers... it's what I do). He is much older
than me and was complaining about how confusing some things are on
the computers. He then started talking to me about his family and
opened up to some very emotional conversation. His advice actually
helped me with my own aspects of my daughter and life in general.
It's the little things in life that we take for granted.
I'm actually learning to appreciate those little things because over
time all of those little things will add up to something quite grand.
Well, it's definitely been a while since my last posting. So much has
occurred and I don't even know where to begin. My six weeks with my
daughter has come to an end and she is back with her mother now.
This part of her stay is the hardest for sure. There is the
traditional adjustment period to get used to the quiet in the
apartment again. I really enjoyed having her stay with me the past
few weeks. I have mixed feelings because I do miss having her here,
but I also am exited because I can finally start dating full force
again. It is extremely hard to date when you are a single parent so
the last six weeks I just focused my time on my daughter.
I also spent the last couple of weeks with my family in Florida. We
all took a trip together to Orlando (Disney World, NASA, Universal
Studios). We had a blast, but it was one of those vacations that take
their toll. I definitely had my fair share of stressful moments
because when you spend ten days with your family day and night it is
going to affect you emotionally. My daughter had a blast and I
choose to go with my family for my daughter's sake. A few months ago
we were going to go to South Padre Island as a family (my ex and I),
but of course things changed since then. So we decided to go to
Florida instead. I think I will still take my daughter to the Island
at the end of the summer. Even if it is just the two of us, I think
we will have a blast.
The best part of the trip was the time I spent realizing the kind of
person I wanted to have in my future relationships. I have a
wonderful opportunity now to find the person I want to have in my
life and I have no rush to jump into another failed relationship. I
am changing as a person and I know what qualities I want in a
partner. That is not to stay that my last girlfriend was a bad
person, we just had fundamental problems that we didn't work out to
well. We could have made it work, but at what cost? Our foundation of
the relationship was cracked and we were both going down if we stayed
in the relationship. She is definitely a wonderful person and I hope
she finds someone that will realize just how special she is as a person.
I know this posting is rather long, but I have so many thoughts
running through my head. I can't keep up with them and I try to get
them down as fast as I can. I was talking to a friend yesterday and
he mentioned that he found my blog site. It then hit me that I have a
lot of intimate thoughts in my blogs. Then I started thinking, oh
crap anybody in the world could be reading these thoughts. There are
so many people that do not realize I have these kind of thoughts. I
try to keep these moments to myself usually and I rarely share them
with others. So what makes me post these thoughts so freely on the
Internet? Well, I guess I am tired of trying to present this image of
myself for the world. I really don't care what other people think of
me and if they think differently of me after reading these postings,
then fuck them. My new philosophy in life is "So Freaking What?".
Life is way to short to worry so much about other people's thoughts
and as long as I am happy then I will continue to do as I please.
The great leaders in history didn't sit on the sidelines and watch
the game. They were not only in the game, but gave it everything they
had. I will be one of these great leaders in life and I challenge
anyone to tell me anything different.
