Learning about myself

What determines the characteristics of a person?
Why is it that I'm so anti-social at times?

I feel so alone lately, but I just don't feel like talking to strangers.

I was at a bar and I could tell people wanted to talk to me, but I
just ignored them and wanted to be left alone.
Is there something wrong with me?
How could a person that feels so lonely, want to be alone.
Very troubling times these are...

There must be some subconscious reason for me wanting to be alone. I
have never lived alone before and now I am trying to get used to the
idea of caring for my feelings before others. I was thinking about
my need for instant gratification today. I have to learn to be more
patient in life and wait for the world to come to me. I have this
impulsive nature to want to have this perfect relationship drop in my
lap right at this moment. I don't mind working for the relationship,
but I don't expect to have to wait for it. This is definitely the
problem with my past relationships. I put too many expectations on
the relationship to be perfect and when they weren't I didn't
understand why there was a problem.

I don't blame my last girlfriend for wanting to be out of the
relationship. I placed too much pressure on the relationship and she
finally realized that the life I wanted and the life she wanted did
not match. The strange thing is that this is the first person I have
actually loved whole-heartedly. I am happy for her even if she does
not want to be with me. As long as she is getting what she needs in
life, then I can honestly say that I am happy for her. I have never
understood what true love was until now.

The only problem is that true love hurts more than anything I have
ever felt before. I have never had my heart broken before and I
definitely understand why I didn't put my emotions fully into
relationships before. I was always afraid of the pain that would
occur if the relationship didn't work and now I definitely see that I
was right on that aspect. But, and that's a big BUT, I do not regret
putting myself out there in full glory. I believe that I can do this
again with someone else in time.

Time heals all things, including my heartache...