Lapse of Time

Well, It's been a while since I have posted anything to this site. Actually, It's been quite some time. I usually try to post something here every day. "Try" being the key word there.

But I have a good reason for not posting lately. I just don't feel like it.

Kind of strange, but it is true. You see, I have been truly questioning myself regarding what I have been posting on this site. You know how I posted the thought of other people who personally know me affecting my postings? Well I thought that was not happening, but now I wonder if it was occurring.

"E" and I were talking about this subject a while back (actually the day I stopped posting to be exact) and she thought that my postings started to change once she knew about my site. I called her "crazy" (not really, but did disagree with her) and went about my merry way. But then it slowly started to creep into my head.

"Am I filtering my postings knowing that she is reading my site?"

I really don't think I am, but damn it, now I'm second guessing myself. I want to make sure that I am not being affected by other people's opinions of me during my posts. I know this is my site and I can post whatever the hell I want to post, but it all seems so fake at times. I love to read other people's blogs when they are so real and intimate. That is the goal of my blog. For other people to see the dark and real side of me. I do not want to hold anything back.

So the question remains, have I been doing that lately?

When I created this site, I feel I was as vulnerable as I could be and expressed myself in that manner. Now I'm not so sure. It is almost as if I have sold out lately and gone commercial. This is not the kind of information I wanted my site to be composed of (yep, ended it with a preposition just for the hell of it).

Lost my thoughts on this are for sure (Channeling Yoda in my mind).