One step closer to that man with the cats

Two hours...

That's how much time I spent out of the house this weekend. Actually, since I got off of work Friday. Two whole hours. What did I do during those two hours? I went to the coffee shop on Sunday and read a little bit. Then came back home. What did I do the rest of the time?

Ab-so-fucking-lutely nothing.

I don't mean sit at home relaxing nothing. I mean NOTHING. I got on the computer for a little while. Watched TV for a little while. Slept for a lot a while. What the hell is going on??? I don't think I have ever felt this way before. Well, that's a complete lie. I have been feeling this way for a while now, but I have not come to terms with it before. Hence the whole road trip thing.

"I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant. But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues."

I have been listening to this stupid song for the past three hours (on repeat). Over and over. I have this need to draw sadness near me lately. This is going to be one of those rambling posts again. I can feel it in my bones.

I understand that there are certain points in a person's life when he reaches a crossroad and has to make a decision. Go one way and see what happens; or go the other way and see where that takes you. (Should a semi-colon go there?) But what happens when you reach a twenty-way crossroad? That's how I feel about my life right now.

I want so very bad to just up and leave. I have this strong desire to live somewhere else. I would love to live in San Franciso or New York. I can't... I know I can't right now. Ashley is at a critical stage in her life where she will need her dad. But I have my doubts as a father right now. I have doubts about everything I am doing in my life right now.

"Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling, tell me baby where did I go wrong?"

I know I should be listening to something more upbeat right now. I know this... I just have to listen to this style of music right now. There is something soothing to the emotions expressed in sad songs. And before you get all Freudian on me, I know there is a connection with that thought. I get pleasure out of pain. I get that... The question is, how do I change that thought process?

I think I was heading in that direction a couple of years ago. I started to feel these feelings, but put myself into another relationship as soon as I noticed those feelings. Who wouldn't want to be happy instead of feeling this crap? The problem is that I was deceiving myself. It was a temporary solution that was bound to fail.

"It's been seven hours and fifteen days, since you took your love away."

Unfortunately, the asshole in me didn't consider the other person's feelings during the whole process. I wanted to escape my feelings and ended up hurting another person in that process. There are not enough "I'm sorrys" in the world to fix some things. I can probably tie some of my current self loathing to that feeling of guilt.

I have to figure this out before I get my daughter for the summer. I know that is unrealistic. I have been hiding these feelings from her when I get her on the weekends. I know that's not right, but it's the best I can do right now. Yet another feeling of guilt trapped within my inner soul.

"It's been so lonely without you here, like a bird without a song."

What have I done with my life? I have created a smaller version of me to pass on my knowledge. Got that one right. I earned my Bachelor's degree. Not bad. Other than those two events, I haven't done much with my life. I don't own a home. I haven't contributed much in this world. What have I given back to this world in exchange for the oxygen I have consumed? I can't think of much. Not to sound conceited, but I have this feeling of greatness in me. I FEEL I should be something grand in this world. That's the sucky part. I haven't figured it out yet. I have mentioned before that simply existing in this world is not good enough for me. I want to leave my mark that will be felt throughout time. You know, this could be interpreted as insanity to some. Especially with all of this depressing thoughts lately. (Note to self. Do not express these feeling to the world. Oops, too late.)

This is why I could never be in politics. These thoughts would be found and there goes my career. Well, these thoughts and my criminal record.

Please Lord, please make the rambling man stop...