Wandering Thoughts

Sooo... how about this weather? Um... yeah. I've come to realize that most of my posts lately have been light and fluffy without much substance. I don't intentionally create entries like that, it just seems to happen every now and then. I think tonight is going to be one of those inner looking moments and bearing of the soul posts. Doesn't that sound so dramatic?

It shouldn't sound so drastic, but for me it feels that way. I have come a long, long way towards expressing my emotions in the last couple of years. Did I ever mention that at one point in my life I was seeing a therapist? During the really bad moments, I would see him twice a week. It's been a while since I've seen him, but just looking back I can remember how bad everything felt at that time. It always appears worse when you are going through those moments. Looking back, it really wasn't that bad. That's the difference between the me now and the me then. I still have those moments of doubt within myself, but I have come to realize that I think everyone has those moments. One way or another we all share that feeling from time to time. The important part is how we deal with those emotions when we are going through them. Dealing with those feelings in the present.

I had someone tell me a story recently of how a friend was toxic in this person's life. And this person had to tell the friend to stay away because that friend was only causing grief in that person's life. Do I have toxic people in my life? This was the question posed to me after the story.

Wow, that is a really serious question to consider. I know I have had some seriously toxic people in my past life. My present life, I'm not so sure. Without the ability to see my life from an outside perspective, it's really hard to distinguish the toxic people from the non-toxic people. Of course after saying all that junk, I should mention that I am aware of certain toxic people from my past that I have sent on their merry way.

On a completely unrelated note... Have you ever noticed that life has a way of working itself out. It also has a way of surprising me when I least expect it. For example, this past weekend I was sitting in Hooter's having a philosophical debate concerning the belief in destiny versus fate. That is not that unusual except that I was having this debate with the waitress. Not to stereotype anyone, but this is not the place one would expect to have this type of discussion.

I was very impressed with her arguments. They did not change my opinion, but I did respect her view none the less. I have noticed that I have become more skeptical regarding the terms fate and destiny. I was watching the movie Serendipity recently and found myself telling the TV how much all of this was a bunch of crock. Our fate is not predetermined and we can not just sit and wait for it to guide us in our life. Our actions influence our life and I believe that our life changes daily.

I remember when I was a kid, I had this fantasy that I would fall madly in love with some woman and fate would have us meet. Isn't that strange? Not the story book fairy tale stuff, but the fact that a boy would think like this. Isn't this usually what girls dream of when they are little? I really think my childhood parent pressure thing screwed me up mentally when it comes to relationships.

Anyway, I digress. It's not that I don't believe in fate or destiny. I just think that it is not static. It is dynamic and constantly changing. This is where I lose most people. The dictionary defines destiny as "the events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future". My belief is that these events change based on our constant actions throughout the day. If I have two paths to choose in my daily decision, my future will change depending on my choice of the left path versus the right path.

This is where I come into conflict at times. What if I made the wrong choice somewhere along the way? What if I was meant to be in a certain relationship, but made some choice and now it is all messed up? There is no "undo" button in life. I guess the tragic part in all of this is the fact that I may never know. I must continue to move forward then and not second guess all my past decisions. This is tough. Really tough.

So the waitress then throws this curveball into my belief system. "You can't change your destiny. Even though you may pick one path versus the other, the destiny does change. The difference is that it changes to have you come back to your original selection." Kind of like it is an auto-undo and it corrects my path to lead it back on track. That is an interesting theory.

Kind of like Heroes. No matter what Hiro tries to do to change the future, it always ends up the same. Is this my life? If that is the case, then where is my life heading? There are certain directions that I seem to always be heading toward and have resisted that path far too many times.

I'm sure I lost most people by the third paragraph. For those remaining, I'll leave you with a Jason Mraz lyric.

Climb up over the top
Survey the state of the soul
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control and inevitably wind up
Finding for yourself all the strengths that you have inside of you