Route 66 - Day Two

I am post dating these entries... well because I can and I figure it would make more sense that way.

I started this trip chasing a dream. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I figured I would realize it when I found it. I think I may have found it. But in a sense of irony, I had it inside all along. I didn't need to go out searching for this mystery feeling. In fact, my going across country made me realize that I may have been running away from it all along.

I don't mean to sound all philosophical on you, but this was the whole purpose of this trip. I needed a break from my day to day activities to find some sort of inner peace. I have tried meditating in the past, but have not had any luck. I still can't meditate now. I have no "inner voice". This disturbs me. Shouldn't everyone have some sort of inner voice. The whole angel and devil on the shoulders thing. I don't have that.

How much of a conscience do I have? I know I have one, but isn't the whole inner voice thing related to the conscience? I have not been fully honest with myself lately. In fact, I really haven't been honest with myself at all. I have to start listening to my gut feeling. I would second guess my hunches so much, that I started to doubt myself. I don't have an inner voice per say, but I do hear everyone else's voice in my head. ALL THE TIME. Not like I can hear their thoughts or anything, but I repeat what people tell me in my head. Not everyone, but the people that I let get close to me.

This trip made me realize that I have not fully become independent yet. I missed the detachment stage in life somehow. I jumped from child to parent so fast, that I never became independent myself. I did a 180 and went from a dependent to a supporter. I was attached to my parents until they moved out of the country, but then I had my daughter and attached myself to her. Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter to death and would do anything for her. At the same time, I want her to witness me do my thing as well. That way she can become an individual in life and teach her children to do the same thing.

I have no clue where I am in this city. I don't know anyone here. I went out to a bar for dinner and sat there watching everyone. The whole time I wanted to go back to the hotel room and be alone. At first I thought it was because I was being a loner or rebellious. I think it's the opposite now. I want to interact with people, but my psyche is telling me that it needs me right now. I can't keep running away from myself and expect everything to just "work out".

It's kind of funny that I could have saved myself a whole lot of money and figured this out at home. I don't think that would have happened though. I would have found some other outlet to ignore my instincts and go with the status quo.

This trip was very symbolic of my life right now. I am so lost most of the time, but in the end it all works out. I have learned to relax and enjoy the present situation. I have no schedule, no plans, and no goals. Well, that last one is a lie. I did have a goal, but now I realize that it was a false goal. It was my "gold cow" of goals. In fact, I have decided to change my vacation. I did the Route 66 thing for a while and now I'm off to visit Roswell, NM. I want to see me's some alianns.

Regarding the whole "Route 66" thing. That route is an elusive som' ofa biatch. I felt like I was on a safari hunting the elusive "route". I made so many detours and found it sometimes, but lost it other times. And don't even get me started on the "route" in Texas. That was the worst place to find it. At least in New Mexico they have the courtesy to display some times. In Texas, I was in the ghetto flashing gang signs just to escape with my life. Kind of funny that Route 66 is in the ghetto in Amarillo. And in the middle of the ghetto are these antique stores. I got kicked out a couple of antique stores because they didn't trust me with my backpack (Oh, but she had no problem with the ladies and their big ass purses). They wanted me to leave it by the front door. Shit, my whole life was in that backpack. I'll be damned if I left it by the door to be stolen. Seriously, you're not selling car stereos. I don't think a crack fiend is going to steal your precious sewing machine to sell for crack. Anyway, they lost my sale and karma remembers these kind of things.