The lonely side of San Antonio

Here I am sitting at a desk in San Antonio... just me and my crappy Internet connection. I've tried to get to my site to post a thought and could not reach the site all night. It's karma for sure. I haven't posted anything meaningful in such a long time, that karma decided I did not need to reach the Internet tonight.

I had to go out and find some free wireless just to do some work tonight. God, I forgot how much I took instant access to the internet for granted. Life without the Internet really sucks. I am way too plugged in to be without it.

With so much time on my hands this week, I have been contemplating my life. Not so unusual for me. It's not the contemplating aspect that is different this time. It's some of aspects that I have been thinking about. I went out tonight and bought the book "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance". I have seen way too many references to this book lately and I have always wanted to read the book. On a sudden whim, I jumped into the car and went out in search of the book. I happen to stumble upon a Barnes and Noble store with a mission at hand. I was magically willed to the book. I was in and out in less than five minutes. Five minutes.... without knowing where the hell to find this book. Destiny I tell ya.

I am usually one to notice signs in my life and I have never really been sure of how to react to those signs. I wonder if sometimes I create signs in my head. Perhaps my subconscious is creating these "signs" and then I notice them. Lately, I have felt kind of lost in my life. I am over thirty and I still don't feel like an independent adult. Is this normal? At what age do I feel completely autonomous from my family and become this responsible adult. Now don't get me wrong. I haven't lived with my parents since I was 18. I have had a family of my own and take full responsibility of my daughter as a father. But after my divorce, I sometimes feel as if I was a failure as an adult. I tried to do the family thing myself and create my own life, but obviously it didn't work out. I know I shouldn't place this much burden on myself.

My family is one that places a lot of pressure on me regarding family matters. I am expected to attend all family functions regardless of my schedule. Why do I find it so hard to just say no. Damn you Nancy Regan! Why didn't I listen to you in the eighties.

Have you ever sat at a desk in front of a mirror and just stared at yourself? Not some small glance, but truly stared at yourself. It's kind of funny. I used to hate sitting there while starring at myself. I felt like the person in the mirror was judging me. I could feel it in the person's eyes. That's because I was judging myself. I am always judging myself. That can't be good. Now I can look in the mirror with no problem. In fact, I sometimes curse out the person in the mirror. "Fuck you". "Do I owe you money. Why the hell you looking at me like that?" Kinda strange, huh? Who am I kidding. That's fucking weird as shit. Who in their right mind would post this on the Internet? Not anyone that is sane.

I'm so sick of society some times. I'm sick of all the bullshit that we are fed through the media. I'm sick of my heritage telling me I should be a certain way. I'm sick of religion telling me to act a certain way.

I have stayed away from this site for far too long. I need to post on here more often. I think this is some sort of therapy for my warped mind. I have been so busy lately with work. And for what? I am so busy trying to make money that I never get to spend it. The happiest times in my life were when I was poor as dirt. Damn this addiction to technology...