Trust

I am a complicated person. There is no doubt about it. I know everyone is complicated in some way, but I'm really really complicated in the most screwed up way.

I have a hard time trusting people. And then when I somewhat trust them, I can instantly not trust them again. I flip on a dime. Why is that? I know there is the whole "it stems from your family" crap. I mean, that's been analyzed to death. But perhaps there is more to it than that. Why can't I just give myself 100% to a person? Why do I feel guarded sometimes?

I was listening to the song "And then you kissed me" by The Cardigans. I know the lyrics aren't the exact situation of my relationships, but symbolically it has had the same effect on me.

oh, it hit me like never before
that love is a powerful force
yes, it struck me that love is sport
so i pushed you a little bit more

This is my life... I don't feel complete without some sort of emotional drama in my life. I feel very awkward without the drama in my life. I knew how to handle the drama. Lack of this energy has thrown me for a loop. Am I an idiot for these feelings or am I going through some kind of withdrawal from pain? I'm not sure.