Man of Mystery

Why Racer-X? This question was posed to me today concerning my picture for this blog. I thought long and hard when I first created this site about my persona and how this site may affect my real life. I wanted it to be personal, but at the same time I was afraid of who might run into this site. I have a whole lot of personal feelings vested in this site and they could come back to haunt me some day.

When I started viewmymind, I didn't think anyone I knew would actually find it. I was sloppy and some friends did find it. Once the cat was out of the bag, I did not try to hide it from them anymore. I am still worried about how some people at work may react if they knew my site belonged to me. I have broken the dooce rule too many times and would not want it to jeopardize my job.

I have also kept it from my last relationship early in the relationship. I told her about it eventually, but I truly do not know how it influenced my posts after I knew she was reading the site. I don't think it affected them too much. If I had to make that decision again, I would make the same decision.

I have always added posts every now and then to my daughter for her to read in the future. I figured she may eventually run into the site or I would tell her about it when she is older. This feels awkward becuase it's like reading my personal journal for her. I remember when I was a kid, I found a bunch of handwritten love letters my parents wrote to each other when they were younger. I read them all and it affected how I viewed them as adults. A lot of that information was confusing to me so I questioned them about the letters after I read them. I remember how furious my mother was at me for reading the letters. I can understand her need for privacy, but in all fairness the letters were in my room (old dresser she left in my room that I used). I do not ever want my daughter to feel that way towards any of my writings. I want to be open and honest with her. I try to be open and honest with everyone I meet.

Back to that original question, why Racer-X? Because he was the man of mystery. He was someone that was close to those around him, but no one quite knew who he was or why he was there. In some ways, this is the same for me. I tried to be anonymous to those around me. Hell, I even tried to be anonymous to myself at times. I am still trying to figure out who I really am deep down inside.

I leave enough clues every now and then for those who may stumble upon this site to think it might be me. I knew for a fact there are a few people who know exactly who I am, but there are several others who have no clue. That is why there are no personal pictures of me in any of my postings. I would like to keep it this way until I feel comfortable that my personal space is not threatened (including my job).

I suppose I could have choosen several other individuals instead of Racer-X, but he just seemed like the coolest person I could think of at the time. Speed Racer had the cool car with all the gadets, but Racer-X was impressive even though he didn't have all the trinkets. Deep down inside I want to be that naturally impressive in all aspects of my life.