Confusion

This is a general disclaimer. I may ramble on this post. So if you have anything important to do, just ignore this post and go about your business. Now where was I?

It's all about me right now (when is it not about me?). I have been thinking recently about how much I have grown as an individual the past two years. I have made a very conscious effort to learn who I am and why I act the way I do. But as much as I learn more about myself, I end up having more questions that I just can't seem to answer. When does it stop? Will it ever stop?

My world usually revolves around some sort of logic, but I have learned a while back that emotions do not follow any sort of logic. People do things that don't make sense sometimes. I get into these mini funks at times that scare me. I've lived my life for thirty years always in control of thoughts and emotions. Or so I thought. I was living in this unrealistic bubble for so long. Now that the bubble has burst, it feels uncomfortable to be emotionally "naked" in this world. I know it has something to do with my getting older and what not. Why does it bother me so much?

I don't mean to get all "dramatic" on you. And I seem to have this fascination with "quotes" lately. Feel free to perform the air quotes during those moments.

I think this road trip will help clear my mind somewhat. I HOPE it helps clear my mind. I feel as if I have been running full speed for so long that I don't know how to stop. Roses... what roses? Oh, those that I ran over a long time ago.

I started this site two years ago to use as a form of online journal. I think it has served it's purpose. Far more than any written journal has in my past.

I used to only let people see a certain aspect of my personality. I would have never let anyone see this more personal side of me three years ago. I was always the crazy one, or the funny one, or the party guy, or the quiet nerd. I would change my personality to match my environment. Codependence is a bitch. To this day, I still question who I am. Which of those personas is my real self? I don't know.

[pause] To let you pour yourself a drink (seriously, this is some depressing shit isn't it? Even I want a drink right now.)

I read a quote from Denzel Washington today. "Never look back. You can look back on your life when your old." That may be some useful advice right now. Sometimes I focus too hard on the past and forget to look toward the future. I have to constantly remind myself that the unknown is a good thing. Yes there will be bad things in the future, but there will also be good things. The secret to hapiness is focusing on the good things and accepting the bad.

"Are you a winner or a loser?" Sorry, I just saw Little Miss Sunshine this past weekend and have that quote stuck in my head. Don't say I didn't warn you about the rambling. Welcome to my world. This is my thought process. ALL THE TIME. I jump around from one thought to another with no apparent connection.