Patience of an ant

I'll let you in on a secret of mine. I have the worst patience ever. Don't get me wrong. I can being as patient as a saint when it comes to other people. But when it involves patience for myself, I suck at it big time. I have this internal panick sometimes and I don't give myself enough time to fully think things out.

I have been going though a lot of life changes the past couple of years and I figure this is as good a time as any to start changing things I don't like about myself. An internal inventory of my strengths and weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is my lack of patience.

Mental docs would probably mention that this stems from some traumatic event in my past. I need to discover what triggered these feelings and accept them. Or some crap like that. I have been to therapy before. I think it works, but not everything needs to be tied back to some "traumatic" event. Sometimes things just change within us or maybe I learned this rushing behavior by watching my parents.

My mother is the worst when it comes to panicking. It seems to be getting worse with her as she gets older. She can't find her purse. OH MY GOD! She must have left it in the store. Someone is stealing her identity as we speak. She is going through these thoughts within a matter of 30 seconds. My sisters and I try to calm her down. Figure out where she last "saw" her purse. And the whole time it's sitting on the kitchen table. I seriously hope I never get that bad. What makes a person trigger that fast about the worst?

I think the world of my mother and know that she is just trying her best. She is not perfect. No one is perfect. The thing that scares me is that I am like that but with a different aspect of my life. My relationships. In the past, I would think the worst of my partner. She got out of class at 9:30 and it's 10:30, but she is not home yet. She is not answering her cell phone. Oh my god, she must be in some kind of car wreak. Or maybe someone attacked her on the way to her car. You see that? It's really not so different than my mother's way of thinking. Then she would show up five minutes later and tell me that she stayed late to talk to some classmates about a project and she just didn't hear her cell phone in the car. All that panicking for nothing. It can be emotionally draining.

I have worked really hard on that aspect and feel that I have made a 180 degree turn around on that part of me. The problem is with myself now. I worry about getting a house or if I need to find a different job. What happens if I ever get fired? These kind of thoughts are floating around my pink mass all the time. It's enough to drive you crazy.

Anyway... thank you internets for letting me vent out my feelings and frustrations. You can send me your bill in the mail.