Cluttered Mind

I have had enough of the Hurricane Rita talk to last a lifetime. So, I decided to let out some of the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind the last few days. I have had a lot of time to ponder my life since everything else has been closed the last few days. Even though I spent the last few days with "E", I still had so much on my mind. I really do appreciate everything that she has provided the last month of my life. I can not thank her enough, but sometimes I wonder what we are really about. I can tell she does not fully have trust in the situation yet, but to be honest neither do I. It is all happening too fast and it is too smooth of a transition for the both of us. This is the part we do not trust. We have discussed this topic plenty of times. But no matter how much we talk about this unusual situation, we still have our skepticism. Since I am no mind reader (at least my skills have deteriorated since my last mind reading), I can only discuss the thoughts from my perspective. So here they are...

What determines if people are supposed to be together? Is there some magical feeling or enlightenment that occurs to let you know this is the "real deal" or if it is just another failed attempt at happiness? I am not sure, but I do know that this doesn't feel like the usual relationship, so there must be something to that feeling. It is a hesitant feeling for sure, but I have always been leery of situations where I feel too comfortable.

Why do I still sometimes feel lonely or sad, even though I have something so wonderful in my life right now? I am not sure about this one at all. I want to have only happy thoughts and emotions, but sometimes there is a sadness that overwhelms me.

I am afraid of getting lost in the relationship and losing myself again. This is a common occurrence for me in my past relationships. This also causes me to be distant at times in my current relationship. I have this HUGE fear of losing myself. I completely lost myself in my last relationship and had practically nothing when it ended. I had a couple of friends and of course my daughter, but my life did not feel like my own. I would literally wonder around sometimes because I couldn't figure out what I wanted in life. I swore to myself that I would not let that happen again and I mean it. This could be a huge problem in the future.

Well, those are just some of the thoughts wandering around in my brain the last few days. I have so many more, but I only let a few out at a time. I keep the "crazy" ones in solitary confinement. One day they may see the light of day.