Surreptitious Site

I have been thinking a lot lately about this site. I try to express
my true emotions and thoughts in this site unfiltered. I have not
told the woman I am currently dating about this site on purpose. I'm
afraid that if I tell her about this site, then I will not be able to
put down my true thoughts. There is this fear that something I have
posted in the past would be interpreted wrong or cause her any pain.

I do not care what people think of this site. It is who I am and what
I feel. This is not a completely true statement. I do care about "E"
and I do care about what she thinks of me. I also care about what my
true friends think about me. I do not have many real friends, but the
few that I do have I care about a whole lot. I do not think I have
put anything on this site that would hurt them or make them feel
judged. And I honestly don't think I have ever posted anything about
"E" that would hurt her, but it does worry me so.

I started posting to this site after the break-up of my last
relationship. This was an extremely hard break-up to go through. I
found that posting my thoughts and feelings online somehow made me
feel better. Virtual therapy if you will...

For all I know, she may have already discovered the site. I have
tried various Google searches to verify that this site is not found
based on certain names. This is the point of not using complete names
in the past. Actually, after searching through Google I was a little
let down. I thought that some of my random nonsense writings were
unique. Come to find out that they are pretty common. I guess I'm
just another looney out there in the world looking for my mothership.

Back to business... So, I refuse to edit out anything that I have
posted in the past. Those were my thoughts at that moment in time and
I preserved them for all to see. But will these previous postings
come back to haunt me in the future. I have briefly brushed on this
topic in the past. But now I am truly concerned. I have a feeling
that if this current relationship progresses further, she will find
out about this blog somehow. Sometimes, I feel guilty because it's
like I'm keeping this secret site from her.

This brings up another question, "Is there such a thing as too much
openness?"

I have been completely honest in relationships in the past.
Sometimes, too honest. This has only caused problems. But what if the
problems really there all along and not caused by the open sharing? I
would hate to think that I could not be 100% honest with "E". She has
so far proven that she will not judge me based on my previous
thoughts and decisions. She is the first person that has allowed me
to feel my honest emotions and not used them against me. Of course,
we have only known each other for a month. This is still very early
in the relationship. It is not until around month three that things
start to creep out from the dark places within.

Where is all of this coming from? I think that I am really scared to
completely let go of my fears and let my guard down. I was extremely
hurt after my last relationship and I do not want to be hurt like
that again. At least not for a long, long time. I don't know if I can
handle that kind of pain again. At least not this soon. It's funny,
because I had no problem letting my last ex hurt me like that time
and time again. I refuse to let someone else hurt me like that. Kind
of twisted, isn't it?